A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why do women hate porn so much? I agree that when it becomes an addiction, their is a problem. However why, when a guy watches porn only occasionally, and has sex at least once every 2 days? I mean, it's not an addiction but only to spend time. Everyday i initiate affection towards my girlfriend. I kiss her, caress her, talk to her lovingly, surprise meet her a here work, etc. She actually loves these a lot. Our emotional relationship is great, however she works a lot and when she returns she's really really tired. That's why we don't have sex several times a day. She is very nice to me and sometimes agrees for a handjob just to please me ( just because she can't afford to lose 2 hours on sex every night).I really like porn, NOT the explicit hardcore but sexual comedies and those having a nice storyline ( like the german retros made in 1970s). However my girlfriend hates it when i watch porn, as i used to tell her everytime i watched.I see nothing wrong in watching porn as long as a guy can be emotionally and physically available for his girlfriend. She gave me excuses like, "You think the porn actress is better than me", "I'm not enough, that you need to watch for other women naked", etcetera.I don't understand any of these. I don't care about the actress, it's just stimulating to me.This question is only for women. Can you explain to me why other women or yourself hate porn.Sorry, for such a long question. Originally it was short but i added lots of personal details.
View related questions:
hand-job, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 April 2011):
 "She gave me excuses like, "You think the porn actress is better than me", "I'm not enough, that you need to watch for other women naked", etcetera."
Babes, these are not excuses, this is how she really feels and what goes on in her mind. If you want to stop porn from wrecking your relationship, you need to understand why it makes her feel unwanted and insecure..
A lot of women can't understand why the man who loves them and calls them beautiful still needs to masturbate over the image of some woman who he says is unimportant to him.
If she's supposed to be your world, why do you need other girls? Answer that question and then maybe you'll understand your woman a bit better.
A
female
reader, charliesdevil73  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 I have been in the shoes of a woman who hated the fact that her man looked at porn. And the main reason there were fights between me and my man was because he never tried to see it from my perspective. He offered to stop looking at it for me, but I said no. I told him I was going to try to accept it and understand it from his point of view if he would try to see it from my point of view. Well, until almost 6 months after the initial discovery of the porn, we had one last huge fight. He asked why I wouldn't let it go, my answer "I have tried and tried to see it from your point of view, but you won't even consider why I feel the way I do". About a week later, everything changed. He still looked at porn and I knew he did, but he did it when I was for sure asleep or not home. He also started to delete his history. He would also actually talk about it if I ever asked a question about porn. And now, I watch it sometimes too and we are planning on getting an actual big budget dvd.So, my question to you is have you asked her why it bothers her? If so, have you seriously considered her point of view? Have you tried to imagine what it would be like to feel the way she does? Usually (from my own personal opinion), it's not really the porn that is the issue. There is some other reason and porn just brings out those feelings the woman is having. For me, it was loneliness. I discovered the porn shortly after my fiance changed hours. He was then coming home from work at 11pm whereas I was getting ready for bed at that time. I only saw him Friday when I got home at 6, Saturdays, and Sundays when he got home at 6. Loneliness can make someone feel very insecure when the other person is masturbating to the opposite sex being naked and having sex.I hope you two work this out. Porn is an issue that can break a good relationship and so far you seem on track for resolving it by asking for advice. Even if she doesn't realize it at the moment, you are being a great boyfriend.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011): I have personally had the same issue with my husband. I felt like he was cheating on me or i wasnt attractive enough for him. What helped us was to go to adult stores together and pick out porn together. It made me better like it was something we did together.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011): If you just take responsibility for your own actions and don't keep secrets from your partner, then porn usually won't be a problem. If you just take responsibility for your own actions and don't keep secrets from your partner, then your sexual history usually won't be a problem either.In either case, the problem usually comes when someone keeps secrets to avoid the consequences of their actions.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 April 2011):
 No hiding it is definitely not the answer. I didn't say you were being selfish, I said you weren't really trying to see it from her perspective. I didn't mean to sound mean or condescending. If you hide it, she will find it eventually and you will have completely lost all trust. Hiding it will make the situation so so so much worse. I don't understand why you can't just stop. If it's hurting her this much but it's still really hard to stop, don't you think it's problematic? Don't you think it's a problem that you're that attached to wanking online that you'd knowingly hurt your girlfriend? Don't you think it's a bit of a problem that you know it hurts and the first thing to jump into your mind is to lie and hide than to consider stopping?Also to the below poster, sexual history and porn use are completely different. One a person can change, the other a person can't. The hurt may be the same, but the problem certainly isn't. One is fixable, the other less so.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011): Don't hide it. If your gf were to find out you were hiding she is going to wonder what other things you would be hiding (you're going to open a can of worms)and then she will lose trust in you. Just be honest and upfront about everything.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011): Women can't handle their man watching porn, it's like men can't handle their woman's past sex life.
When you listen to people talk about the hurt they feel from these things it really does start to sound similar.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011): Oh, sure. Hiding things always helps a relationship. Can you sense my sarcasm? I'm guessing your gf isn't stupid, she's gonna know you still watch it even if you stop bringing it up. Even if you tell her you've stopped, odds are she's not gonna believe you (and rightfully so). At least I hope she doesn't. And even if she does, do you really feel comfortable making a fool of her? Besides, you can only hide it for so long before you slip up and she finds out. Then she'll feel worse. Now to answer your original question. Women hate porn because when their man jerks off to another naked woman, it's like a slap in the face. And I feel that men who get off on those women are simply too stupid to realize the women in today's mainstream porn are mostly fake with their labiaplasty (google it if you don't know what it is), implants, caked on makeup, hair extensions, and the list goes on...Women hate porn because they feel like their man prefers some plastic life-size barbie doll to them! Think about it, why would we feel any other way? We come home and find our men sitting in front of their computer screens staring at some bimbo yanking his crank, what the hell do you expect us to feel? Excuse my bluntness, but with this question, I felt it necessary.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ janniepeg: The love/sexual tension have already faded, about 2 years ago. We normally talk a bit, caress, kiss, get hot and then it leads to sex (one thing leads to another). However, when she refuses, which she rarely does, i don't push her or demand sex. I understand and respect that she is tired or simply can't do it.@ liltih5293: Its not a self-esteem problem. She seems to be more like a bit insecure.@ KeighleySky: I will not cheat on my girlfriend. I can guarantee that because i've had opportunities before and still have some dumb girls trying to break our relationship. I don't give them the slightest attention. Moreover, the 1970s retro porn i watch, maybe all the actresses are dead by now. So theirs no chance i can meet them, lol.@ Rebeccaa: Yeah, she don't like it but doesn't make a mountain out of it. She is just annoyed sometimes. @ Hugh.J: I proposed her to watch once but she got bored while watching it. She doesn't seem to like it but tries for me. I'm also trying to find one she'll like. @ person12345: I don't think i'm as selfish as you say. That's why i posted this question, because i'm not a woman and i needed a woman's insight. I needed to understand something i couldn't, till now. My girlfriend is not hurt but finds it annoying. Thanks to answer.Finally @ CindyCares: Having thought about it, its true. I wouldn't be quite comfortable if she did salivate over " Top 10 biggest cocks of UK ". I might feel a bit insecure even if their is no reason for. I realise i wouldn't be so comfortable in her shoes. Thanks to point this out, that was enough to make me think.Now should i hide this fact to her?? Maybe she'll not worry about it if i don't bring this porn stuff to her anymore. What you think?
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (16 April 2011):
Here's a similar question with a lot of answers: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-so-many-women-hate-porn.html
As for me, I don't see the big deal. As long as he doesn't watch it when I'm there or leave my browser history full of porn links, I'm okay with it. As long as it doesn't interfere with what we have, I don't have a problem.
If other people want to make a huge issue out of it, that's their choice.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): I full agree with what the other women have to say here. The bottom line is that it's a selfish act, especially when you are suppose to be experiencing a relationship with your partner -not your partner and any other naked woman that you want to actively seek out on the internet. Not to mention that 90% of the time porn becomes and addiction. It is an addiction. You can tell yourself "I only look at it a few times a week." It's just like taking the drink out of the alcoholic's hand. Try taking it out of your life and you would be going through serious "punching the clown" withdrawals.It's about common respect and decency. Does ANYONE have this anymore? Porn should be for that fat guy who is alone on his couch because he never had any desire to do anything or be anyone. But, in all actuality, that's what it is for - THAT guy. You know what porn is? It's easy. And it's always so much easier to be an asshole than it is to be a better person. It takes no work and no effort.A good man wouldn't waste his time and effort on such a selfish useless act. He would be more interested in DOING something with his life. A healthy relationship doesn't need and shouldn't ever include porn. Go take that time and energy and make better use of it with your own partner - or stay alone with your dick in your hand. Maybe that's where you belong.
...............................
A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (16 April 2011):
 It makes her feel ugly and not good enough. You can say that she's beautiful, and good enough all you want, but if you're watching porn, TO HER, that gives her the message she isn't good enough.It may not be a big thing to you, but it's ripping her apart emotionally. If she was doing something that made you feel incredibly ugly and not good enough, wouldn't you want her to stop?I hate porn for these reasons. I feel so unwanted, and undesired, and not good enough. I dated this guy, he watched porn, he said it was no big deal. When I told him how awful and how much it hurt me, he stopped, because he cared about me. Porn is fine, when it's not hurting your partner. I doubt she'll ever be fine with it. She may try to be fine with it, but she'll always be insecure. Is watching porn really better than making your girlfriend feel secure, and beautiful?Also, Personally, I find how attractive I feel, connects to my sex drive. When my bf was watching porn, I felt ugly. So I didn't want sex. When he stopped, I felt so much better, I felt like I was enough, and that he cared about me so much to give it up, that well, I wanted sex more.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 April 2011):
Many women feel cheated on when their partner receives sexual gratification from a third party. Regardless of whether you think you care about those women, there's a reason you masturbate to very good looking women or women with big breasts and small waists, or whatever you're attracted to. Just like to cite this, there's a reason you say you aren't looking at the women in the video. We like porn because when we masturbate while looking at porn, it activates mirror neurons in our brains. This means when we watch this while stimulating ourselves, our brains think we are actually having sex. It is very different from simply masturbating with an image in our heads. You may consciously disagree, but that's what's happening whether you want it to or not. So in reality you kind of are cheating on her, since according to your brain you are having sex with other women. This is why you have to be attracted to the women, but it's also why you care more about their movements and actions than their faces.
And CindyCares is right on with this. Would you be OK with her masturbating over huge penises? Not just the quick, "no of course not." I mean really think about it, the whole thing in your mind of seeing it on her computer, knowing she was extremely turned on by these huge penises, and actually having to see this and know this. I doubt if you were faced with the reality of this it would seem so clearly non-threatening.
Further, you keep saying it's not that big a thing to you, so why not just stop? You have no idea how much you are hurting her. You say you can see nothing wrong with it, but you're not the one being hurt. You're not even attempting to see this from her side. You are only attempting to rationalize your side of why it shouldn't hurt her. But it doesn't matter whether it should or shouldn't, it does. And it hurts most women. You probably know it's disrespectful to just stare at other women when you're out with your girlfriend, so why is it OK to seek out the hottest women you can find, watch them doing your bidding sexually, and masturbating to them?
Some women are so upset by their partner's porn use and refusal to stop that they attempt suicide, self-harm, get plastic surgery, develop eating disorders, and develop severe depression. This may be a small thing to you, but it's probably a huge thing to her. It says a lot about just how much porn actually means to you that you are willing to watch your girlfriend suffer immensely just to keep a little habit that you do when you're bored. Is porn that important to you that you're willing to make her feel utterly like crap? This should be a no brainer. Just stop doing it. It really hurts her. It hurts most women. It doesn't matter why you think it shouldn't. Just stop.
...............................
A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (16 April 2011):
 Most women would fell undervalued if their man watched porn, especially alone. Not quite so bad if they watch together.If you have read posts on here at all often you will have heard some (insecure) blokes complain that their partners use dildos and vibrators, making THEM feel inadequate: beginning to see the point?As an interim measure, why not watch porn only when you are together, especially if, as you say, it has a story.Better still, seek out porn made by women, for women - there is a BIG difference and I'm sure she will appreciate it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (16 April 2011):
 I agree with previous comments. She feels like she should be the only woman in yourlife that you actually want to pay attention to in that way. It might make her feel insecure when you do this. I agree with her in most ways i wouldnt like it if my boyfriend watched porn (even tho he does and i dont like it, but i just put up with it because i dont feel its worth making an argument over, however she may feel so strongly about it that she has to say something maybe it bothers her that much.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): I believe it is cheating. im going through the same stuff atm and he doesnt understand my views. its cheating. you should only have eyes for the person you are with and only getting hard for that person noone else. it can really mess a relationship up. Im a socail worker and i see this all the time. some males cant help themself from watchin it. it is a mental illness and can hurt alot of people and they dont know its happenin until its to late. Love the girl you are with and understand her views and wishes.sorry about spellin tried as its 1230am just got home from work
...............................
A
female
reader, KeighleySky +, writes (16 April 2011):
 To be honest im guessing its becaus eyour watching some other woman having sex. For Porn its usually the images that are erotic and stimulating. You are actually watching another woman have sex and are getting aroused, for her this will be an emotional betrayal because its another WOMAN that youre getting aroused over. This is how i would feel, to have sex once every two ays is good especially if she's tired all of the time. But just thik of it this way: You are wathcing another woman having sex, this is in a way making your girlfriend feel threatened because if you can happily watch a stranger have sex then you may go off and have sex with another woman and feel no gult because you dont have any guilt from watching porn. The solution is simple, why not take images of your girlfriend? then you can get your happies more often without her feeling like you've betrayed her. I'm sure she'd feel quite happy giving you images of her than you watching images of other people.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): Well as a woman I like porn. It gets me stimulated as well. The only thing that would bother me is my ex had a lot of mature porn. So I used to get really insecure when he would talk to older ladies. We (my ex) would have crazy off the wall sex that was incredible. He would always tell me I was incredible and he would say he wants to have sex with me for the rest of his life. But he was cheating on me. So I don't understand at all why that happened. He was my boyfriend for 5 years and its been 2 years since our break up and I still can't understand it.I would try to explain that men are very visual. I would ask her what turns her on and find a porn around her interest and see if that helps. I would sometimes have it in the background as we would have sex. So I guess I don't really have an answer but I think women feel if you have time to watch porn then you are thinking of other women (even just for an hour or so...you're not thinking of her) and its like bringing another woman into the relationship. I know that sounds odd...but our minds tend to try to understand the meaning behind everything when sometimes we should remember there are some things that don't really have any reason behind it. Does that make sense I know I rambled a bit.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): Not all women hate porn, however some women feel that when their boyfriend watches porn they're looking for something more than what they've got. That clearly isn't true for you but some women do feel that and it doesn't matter how often you tell them it isn't true they will always feel like this. Porn can often lead to low self esteem for a woman when she knows her boyfriend is watching porn, however that isn't for everyone. If you like watching porn and you want to continue watching it without lying to her then keep watching it and just remember to reassure her that no matter what she's the one for you. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 April 2011):
 She already explained it to you, that she doesn't feel good enough for you. Porn is also a reminder that men have options and they would leave anytime they don't feel satisfied. It shatters the myth that as a couple we are enough for each other and nothing else would come between us. She probably knows that those porn stars are tired too when they get home. She knows that those porn stars are doing it for the money. As much as they like sex, the quickest way to hate what you do is to do it for a living. She had a bad gut reaction when you tell her what you watched. There is not enough time for her to clear her head before feeling bad. Like you can be in a relationship but still attracted to other people. It would be a lie to tell your woman that she fulfills you visually and no one else in the world. You two are obviously very sexual people so she won't set boundaries such as, don't watch any porn or I would leave you. Sex twice a day is a lot. She may be having sex so much just to release you so you don't look elsewhere. When you resort to watching porn she feels like she is doing a lot but it's still not enough. I like porn myself so I would rather have my boyfriend watch porn than to have my vagina chaffed all week.
What you have to do is reassure that even when you drive is super high, that she is the best thing that came into your life, you are very satisfied. It's good that she can tell you that she needs sleep, rather than have sex to keep you happy. When I see people having sex more than once a day, my instinct is to tell them slow down a but, otherwise it would become a chore very quickly. Let her initiate sometimes. You would feel the reward of waiting and letting the tension build up.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 April 2011):
 She obviously feels she should be the only object of your desire and does not like other persons or things to give you an erection. To be precise , she knows that you are wired in a way which might make you meet something that's sexually stimulating to you ( girls in revealing bikinis at the beach,etc.)and will authomatically cause a physical reaction. But one thing is something just happening, another going seeking it and making it happen on purpose.
Before you tag this wish for " exclusivity of arousal " as immature,insecure,childish etc. let me tell you that at Dc we receive tons of " penis questions " from men who fear their gfs may compare their manhood with that of more endowed exes, or other men in general. Some at the point
of becoming obsessed, or avoiding sex altogether.
So, suppose you catch your gf salivating ( and masturbating ) over " Top 10 biggest cocks of UK ". No harm in that- she just likes to see big cocks, she does not want to date those guys or marry them. Yet, something tells me you would not be totally comfortable about it...
...............................
|
