A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been living with my girlfriend for sometime now. She is in her late thirties and very attractive. She is a director of a company and socialises a lot with business colleagues and is often away on business trips. I work as a GP in a NHS practice. She has never been pregnant and maintains her superb slim figure by regular gym workouts and careful dieting.I have suspected for some time now that my partner may be having a sexual affair but have never had the proof or temerity to confront her. However a couple of days ago she cameback from a meeting in Yorkshire and as the evening progressed I could detect that she seemed more vague and 'flushed' than she usually is when returning from business trips. I asked her if she was OK and she said yes but did not want to talk much that evening. She said she had a bad headache.I said I would give her something for it and went to the bathroom cabinet to get some paracetamol. For some reason, suspicion I suppose, I delved into the 'dirty' laudry basket and took out the thong my partner had been wearing that day and examined it carefully. The crotch area was very damp and there were deposits of what certainly looked, to my professional eye,like semen 'crusts' and gellation. There was a typical odour of semen also.This seems to confirm my worst suspicions but I am not sure how to go about confronting her with the evidence. I do love her but feel gutted at this discovery. Please advise.
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male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (20 December 2007):
 He is a doctor for God's sake.
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (20 December 2007):
 Someone has made a point that it's trashy not to have cleaned up afterwards. Maybe, maybe not. She could have had sex in the car. It a bit careless though throwing the knickers in the wash. But what could she do? Throw them in rubbish. Even more suspicious if you found them. Take spare pair. These probably are spare, she is still leaking on the spare pair.
Don't confront. This still could be innocent. Then you have spoiled relationship and spoiled your image. And if it's not innocent and she lies her way out of it, you're left in a terrible place not knowing if it was or wasn't true. And she will always blame you for accusing her. Making you feel guilty. You lose in every direction. I can't say it enough times. Don't reveal your hand. Keep quiet. Play along. Go crazy at gym. Come home normal. If she's cheating you can take your revenge however you choose. It's very therapeutic and good for your confidence.
Richard
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): Are you sure it isn't vaginal discharge? It can also smell quite similar to semen. If it is semen, that's pretty gross for her to be out having unprotected sex, and to not clean up afterwards, and just let the semen fall out into her panties..sounds pretty trashy to me. Anyways like the other guy said, wait and collect more evidence. Write things down. It'd be better to find a way to get direct evidence though, because most things can be denied.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (19 December 2007):
Hi. Don't confront yet. You don't have enough. Human nature is to deny it unless the evidence is irrefutable. Also, just in case you're wrong, you are not seen to be doubting her and causing an argument. Keep your powder dry. If she is being unfaithful, you now have the upper hand. No matter how much you want to confront, don't, not yet, you will gain nothing. Keep a lid on it. Whatever phrase conveys the message to you. (If it's driving you nuts, go and work it out at the gym, on the pitch, bike - it's like the stress response. Men have to thrash it out the system. Your thinking will be clearer as well).
Now how you deal with it. First thing to bear in mind is that from thong, seems like unproteced sex. This is an advantage and disadvntge which I'll come back to. Next thing is to remember your training, and experince of your patients, because you know how much the mind can play tricks. You will jump to conclusions irrationally, and maybe get it wrong. So keep playing this cool. That's the only way. Also, you need a diary or "record book" book to keep notes in. And write down all unusual events and things in the past that have made suspicious in the past. Sooner or later a pattern will emerge. Could be geographic, or certain day of the week. Or even same excuse. Might be a negative pattern at first, it doesn't happen on these days for example. The book or diary is a "must." Use it for your theories, thoughts and hypotheses. Don't give her any indication you know anything, will just make her more careful, and harder for you.
OK - you need more evidence. You could have taken a swab from the thong and tested for semen by the way. Prob too late now. Remember for next time. If it's an emotional affair, the mobile phone is a good first option. Does she leave it on silent at home? Get up in the middle of night and have a look through phone. Use a voice recorder to copy down info, quicker than writing. If it's a less regular, sexual arrangement it's going to be more difficult. Debit cards/ credit card statements need checking. Checking her car out as well when she's not around.
If you don't feel that's going to get you anywhere then you could give her opportunity and see what happens. Tell her in advnce you got to go out one evening. Go for midweek not weekend date. Meeting/talk/old friend. But instead, wait on the day and follow her or see if anyone arrives.
Anyone going out knowing they are going to have sex will wear best underwear. Watch what she wears and what she might take with her.
I mentioned unprotected sex earlier on. Bad for you, you have to take the risk. However, the other side of it is, lets says you get a little more evidence, but not enough for certain, you could bluff. When you have some evidence, and ready to confront, tell her you have STI, you have it confirmed, you know it's not you, and accuse her of having affair. Then pile on top other evidence you do have. And few dates that you have kept in the record book.
You can also make use of technology but you need to know where to start. You can get keyloggers for computers for example. The guy might be in relationship also, so he's also maintaining level of secrecy (thats why I said make it a midweek meeting earlier on, single guy can make anytime, relationship guy can't do weekends).
Meanwhile, you also need to consider the financial aspects of her being unfaithful. Protect yourself and your exposure. Consider who stays, who goes questions. This is where you have upper hand, You can plan this. And record your plan in the book.
Remember, you are on top of things by not confronting, even though the temptation is very strong. And you can plan a suitable revenge or showdown if you really want to as well.
Good luck.
Richard
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A
male
reader, leonard j, Douglas  +, writes (19 December 2007):
When the rubber hits the road,you'll have to consider what is best for you. Human Nature being what it is,sexually speaking,there is also a good chance that you,if the shoe were on the other foot,might be doing the samething. But then it doesn't make it right for either of you.
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A
female
reader, Serinity  +, writes (19 December 2007):
 If you really love her, I would consider trying to gather more evidence before you accuse her of having an affair. Yes, her behavior seems suspicious. Yes, it is POSSIBLE that it was semen, but how can you be 100% sure. It is normal for women to have periodic vaginal discharge. Glands inside the vagina and cervix make small amounts of fluid. This fluid flows out of the vagina each day, carrying out old cells that have lined the vagina. This is our body's way of keeping our vagina healthy and clean. The discharge is usually clear or milky and doesn't smell bad.
The color and thickness of the discharge change with our monthly cycle. The discharge is thicker when you ovulate (when ovaries release an egg) or when you're sexually excited.
So before you make any accusations, I would try to gather evidence other than making an assumption over something that is quite common in women.
You could try just being up front and asking her. I would NOT mention that you checked her panties, but I would mention that her behavior didn't seem normal when she returned from her trip this time and you have suspicions that she is not being completely faithful. I hope this information helps. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Samutsen +, writes (19 December 2007):
Why would you confront her? For what reason? A confrontation, I understand is good only if you intend or hope to have a result.
Well because she aroused suspicion, rightly in you, you had the right to look into her things and you proved right. So as a normal man, what is expected of you is not to argue with her or to try to make her admit, but take your revenge by quiely tell her to leave and give her no explanation. This is what she deserves and this is your best revenge and punishment.
Imagine she not only cheated on you, she had the intention on of continuing this on your back and do not have the slightest intention of breaking up with you.
She is a trash. and her rightful place is the your dustbin of exes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): You actually sound quite calm about it which, is slightly um worrying actually!
The best thing to do is come straight out with it, maybe leave off with the whole detective thing, that's slightly weird, but just say you've got reason to believe she's having an affair.
I really hope stuff goes okay
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