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male
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anonymous
writes: I am a 44 year old man. I have been with my wife for 25 years and we have four children - aged 23, 21, 16 and 15. The eldest are both in their own professions and lead happy and successful lives away from home. The two youngest at home with us. I drank a lot and had flings when younger in the marriage but have been sober for the past 15 years and never strayed. I work in a female dominated industry and never once thought about it. In January 2005 I started a new, demanding job with long hours in a small project team. I sat side by side with a woman, Janet, the same age as me. I felt a spark but ignored it and just enjoyed being in her company as we had very similar interests. In June we were away on business for a week and shared the same hotel, it was her last week as she was leaving for a new position. I could not sleep or eat and felt as if my heart was being ripped from my body at the thought of not seeing her again. She felt the same but we agreed that it could not go on. The day after I returned from business my father died unexpectedly and my emotions were in turmoil. She was very supportive and caring on the phone but agreed with me that I had to grieve for my father and would not contact me. I didn't know who I was grieving for - her or my dad. My Dad dying made me realise that I did not want to spend the rest of my life with my wife whom I have always tried to love in the same way that she loves me. I have never succeeded and carried guilt as a resultJane and I met at business meetings and talked on the phone but that was as far as it went. When I met her socially I felt I would explode with joy. We have now been seeing each other for nearly 8 months and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I am scared but excited and I have no idea how to tell my wife. She knows something is very wrong but my job has kept me away from home for nearly two months so we haven't talked in depth. My wife is strong and will survive but I know I am gooing to hurt her deep and I don't know how to cushion the blow. I have a great relationship with the children and I believe I can maintain that, although maybe not initially.I am sorry this is so long.
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female
reader, fairyangel  +, writes (5 February 2006):
 You are sorry that your post is so long??
If I were you, I would be sorry for a hell of a lot more than that...
You are a sorry individual & I also do not have any sympathy for you...
And for saying so, I am not sorry.
A
reader, jo_betty_smith  +, writes (5 February 2006):
 There's no point staying in a marriage if your heart is not in it because your wife has already picked up that something is wrong and it's not fair on her to continue in this uncertainty. She should be able to rely on her husband 100%, and at the moment she can't do that, because you are not really there for her.There's also no easy way to let her and your children know that you want the marriage to end. It's not going to be very easy going with the new woman when you've caused such pain to the other loved ones in your life, so you have to be sure that what you have with this woman is real and can take all of that pain because you'll need her to be on your side at a time when no-one else will be. If your children and your wife are feeling resentful towards you, how are you going to make sure that you don't turn some of that resentment onto your new partner?And no matter how much you are sure about your decision, after 25 years with someone, there's always going to be an element of missing them, so it doesn't matter how you handle the situation, you have to expect to have some mixed feelings for a time after you've finally made the decision to leave.It is better for your wife that she knows the truth because that way, rather than wondering about the state of your marriage, she knows where she stands and can build up new interests and support from her friends to have a full life without you, instead of living in limbo as seems to be the case at the moment.When everything has become much more real with the other woman, you might realise how much value a steady love of 25 years has over the love of a woman who has yet to prove how much she is willing to be there for you through the difficult times. Just be very certain that you're making the right choice before you throw everyone's lives into turmoil, and if you have a lot of doubt, then end relations with the other woman and start repairing your marriage by remembering all the things you first noticed about your wife and thinking how nice it will be to grow old with someone you've had children with and who probably knows you better than anyone else does.
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A
female
reader, michelina1963 +, writes (5 February 2006):
Why dont you ask yourself this ! How would you feel if your wife came to you and would tell you the same thing! And the next thing is why did you marry her 25 years ago. When you come up with that answer you may find your true love for her once again and get back what you once had before . Give your marrage another shot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2006): No sympathy from me either. Most women will feel this way. You have betrayed your wife, the mother of your children and an individual who you made a commitment to. You have no dignity, integrity and do not know what the foundation of a good relationship requires. Rather, your selfish ways take away from others and from yourself. I'm sure you have been lying to Jane as well about stuff. Perhaps you cannot be helped. There will always be people like you and in a more ideal world, you'd be more clearly flagged so a woman never makes the mistake to give you the time of day. However at least you serve the purpose of teaching others to appreciate true loved ones and family even more. Now to your question you seek advice on. How to tell her? For once, have the balls to tell the TRUTH. That is what you should tell her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2006): There is no easy way to tell your wife this 'bad news'. Nothing will soften the blow. The man (you) she has remained true to for 25 years, through his drinking problem, his philandering, birthed him 4 wonderful kids, been an exemplary mother and role model...is now being told she doesn't cut it anymore? And rather than just coming clean and telling her....you don't love her-you wait and find a new woman to boink only to add further to her pain by throwing that indignity of in her face. I hope she takes you for every cent you have, guy. At least she gets some payment back for living and tolerating you, all these years. You seem to have a history of illicit affairs and don't blame it on the alcohol. Some men are this way..they are never happy unless they cheat. They don't know 'how' to keep their heart safely in a marriage, but instead, it's out having affairs with other females. Other women will always appeal to married men-that's a fact of life. But many married men 'choose' not to have an affair because their commitment to their families and their high character come into focus. You have made a momentous decision that will contribute deeply to your family's pain. You still have two children at home that need two parents to finish raising them. Why would you allow yourself to become involved in 'infidelity' when times get tough? Why not just get to the root of the problem in your marriage with your wife? Realize, if you leave your family..you will risk losing them all. No question about it. And this woman you love--the one you are having an exciting physical response to...what kind of woman would even 'take up with a married man'? I cannot respect that.
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A
female
reader, StarNews +, writes (4 February 2006):
 In your letter, you seem to justify your reasons for cheating. You were unfaithful to your wife, she obviously forgave you, though it is morally wrong. I give her credit for staying with you through the tough times. And now you want to end it for some woman that you have been having an affair with, again cheating on your wife. I guess you want to hear someone tell you what you can say to make things easier on your wife. You wont be hearing that from me.
When you described how you felt, like your heart was being ripped from your body while being apart from this other woman...why dont you multiply that by 100. That will only be a small sample of the pain your wife will experience when you tell her that once again, you have been unfaithful, although this time you are leaving her.
The honorable way would have been to wait until you and your wife were no longer together before you started seeing this woman, out of respect for your wife, which is something you seem to know nothing about.
I agree with only one thing you said, which is that you shouldnt stay with someone you do not love, though it seems to me you dont know the meaning of the word. You chose decribe yourself as someone who lacks intregrity who can only see beyond their own selfish needs, by being unfaithful to your wife and mother of your children.
I dont think you would have left her if it werent for this other woman. I do not believe that you will ever find hapiness because dont know what true love is, and it is right in front of you....your wife.
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