A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've just divorced my husband. We have been married for 20 years. My husband is selfish and unkind. I stay for the security. He made me feel unattractive so I started to cheat on him. It didnt make me feel better but just feel guilty and cheap. I met someone I really love right after my divorce. He makes me feel loved and wanted. I lied to him I've been faithful throughout my marriage cuz I worry he will leave me. But I feel really bad about lying to him. What should I do? Please advise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): Well, you have 2 obvious choices. Keep your lie a secret, hoping that he will never find out or tell him and hope that he will understand. If it were me, I would want to know the truth, as trusting the one who I love is more important than being lied to to make me feel better about her. If I were him and I discovered that you lied from another source then I would probably leave you, as I could not live with a person who I could not trust.
If you came clean and told me the truth, I might be hurt or angry at first and would want to talk about your reasons. Being angry, I might say some things that would hurt you and that I would later regret and have to apologize for, but it would work out in the long run. Honesty is very important with me, both ways.
I do not consider what you told him just a white lie. As the receiver, I think it is a significant lie, but one that could easily be forgiven. However, I understand why you did it and I think I would understand and forgive you if you told me the truth. I say these things from experience, as I believed at one time that my wife had "cheated" on me and had lied about it. It wasn't really cheating, as it was just after my divorce and soon after we had started dating and I was dating another woman at the time also. She had no desire to date other men, as she had dated more than she had wished before she met me. She had incicated to me that she would lie to me if she ever slept with another man so that she would not hurt me. Anyway, she acted somewhat guilty the next day after she had been to a company Christmas party and I thought that perhaps she had gotten drunk and went home with someone. I no longer think that was the case, as she has been very honest with me in the nearly 29 years that we have been together and I believe that she would have told me the truth by now.
Anyway, it is your decision. I lean toward you telling him the truth at a time when you think the 2 of you are in the proper mood. However, I'm not really sure what the best thing to do is. It depends on how the 2 of you think and in what stage your relationship is and we cannot know that. It sounds like you feel guilty about your lie and he might sense that guilt at some time and wonder what you are not telling him.
Best of luck whichever you decide to do. What you did was understandable and perhaps this is an opportunity to see if he is a forgiving man. It would be better to find out now then in 5 years.
A
female
reader, Cosy +, writes (11 March 2008):
as long as your sure it won't come out from a friend or another source i;d say keep it under wraps,
we all do things that are out of character sometimes.
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock  +, writes (11 March 2008):
 I just divorced my husband of 26 years 2 years ago. He cheated on me from 2 years after we were married until six years before I finally realized I didn't love him anymore.I stayed for security reasons and our daughter-who finally married and moved on. I ended up cheating on him because he made me feel ugly and unimportant in our relationship...he was very verbally abusive and publically degraded me. I too, cheated on him twice before moving out. Guilt? Nothing to be proud of, but don't carry it to your grave. Do be open with your new found love though--at our ages, we can't afford to lose out again.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (11 March 2008):
 It's not really this guy's business what you have or haven't done. Different circumstances make people act differently.
If it really plays on your mind, wait until you are both together, relaxed, etc, and tell him. Tell him how your husband made you feel, why you cheated, how it made you feel, why you lied to him.
If you don't think you can talk to him about it, write him a letter. That's often the best way as you can get all your feelings out, and make your point, and the person who is reading the letter can sit down and take it all in, in their own time.
If he loves you, he will understand.
You need to stress that you cheated because you weren't fulfilled with your husband, but that it is different with your new man, and you would never dream of looking at another man.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (11 March 2008):
 Hey remember some things are best left unsaid! I can see why you have said that, and lets face it, its a white lie, not a whopper! It gives him a little reassurance, and you wont do it again anyway will you? Win win situation!
Chill. I think you're beating yourself up for no reason!
C xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): Hi Hunny
Im all for truth but you have been treated horrible for so long and now you are happy, Hunny its not so much as a lie its a way of staying happy, You havent cheated on him and you only did it with your husband as he was so nasty and you wanted to feel a little love but you felt hurt and cheap, Oh ive been there sweetheart enjoy your happiness you deserve it TAKE CARE WITH LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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