A
female
age
30-35,
*olx
writes:I have been going out with my bf for nearly 2 yrs and he is 19 yrs old. In Feb 2007 he made an Faceparty account up on the internet and I didn't know about it. However, in Nov I found out about it just browsing through looking for my friends on the site and found his profile by mistake. I looked on it and it said that he was 21 yrs old, straight and single. He dint use his head because all his passwords are obvious and I ended up finding he had been messaging women that could be his mum age. These were messages asking to meet up but nothing dirty or sordid. One in particular just before xmas, I found her profile picture in his drawer and emails asking to meet up just before xmas eve in a pub after he finished work. I snooped but I know I shouldn't invade his personal stuff, that nyt he sent the email he dropped me off at home for an hour after work. Alarm bells started to ring as I always stop at his house. He came to pick me up at about half eleven and was fine. I then did the worse thing by saving the chatlogs on MSN without him knowing. On xmas eve he left on MSN and I looked at the chatlogs from a different woman to the one he emailed. We had a big arguement as he caught me doing it and I said it was over and he said nothing happened that he was doing it for a laugh and winding them up. I trust him with everything and love him to bits but lately I found out that it started again with a different woman and he been texting her on his old mobile and then found out about him messaging guys and other women asking to meet, visiting porn sites, being sneeky with his phone and asking for pictures of this woman. I dont know how to confront him about it and he keeps asking what is up. One day I will go mad and it is making me ill thinking about did he do go the first time or is he messing about with his friends? He tells me he loves me without me having to prompt him and attiude hasnt changed towards me. I know my bf and he was shy when he started going out with me. Please help ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): When you start picking up obvious clues, as you have, and you did so innocently, you have a right to know what is going on. Ask him for the truth, and what his intentions are/were for them and you. When people begin to drift, there are problems in the relationship, or at least the individual.
A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (11 March 2008):
 I wouldn't walk away from this relationship...I would RUN.
He's proved he's not trustworthy, the relationship is making you ill and unhappy. Why stay with someone who makes you feel this way?
He has no respect for you and I get the impression given half the chance, he'd cheat on you.
Faceparty pretty much has the reputation as being somewhere people go when they want to meet people to hook up with. I had a Faceparty profile for a very short time, until I deleted it after receiving hundreds of sleazy chat up emails from guys claiming they were talent/model scouts, guys wanting sex, etc!!
Sorry if this seems harsh, but you could do so, so much better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): "I trust him with everything and love him to bits but lately I found out that it started again with a different woman and he been texting her on his old mobile and then found out about him messaging guys and other women asking to meet, visiting porn sites, being sneaky with his phone and asking for pictures of this woman"
Hun, let's be real. No, you don't trust him or you wouldn't be posting this. How can you trust someone who compromising this relationship? Your bf has engaged his ego and he's struggling against his own selfishness. He's forgotten that he's in control of his behaviors. One of those behaviors is "self-restraint". That requires integrity, effort and sacrifice. And whne it comes to online dalliances, people give that all up. His ego has got the better of him here and he'd rather have a legion of adoring women, online or just be content/ happy with the attentions and love of just 'you'. The other women lack depth whereas you don't. But his immaturity and his ego hold him back, he has this need for validation. Sadly, as pointedout below, the internet has brought temptations for so many young folks, and with that cyber infidelity (which really no value or meaningfulness), Just the epitome of having one's ego stroked. And that alone, can shake the best, most loving relationship to it's core. Because his behavior now gives you a glimpse into the true 'character' of the man you love and it ain't pretty.
So what do you do? You need to talk to him, seriously and set some strong boundaries. He is young, he is immature and he's stuck in the 'me, me, me' mode. Sometimes when we love someone like this, we need to set hard and fast boundaries about what we will tolerate. You let him know the consequences of his behaviors, you nudge him hard. And whatever those consequences are...you follow through if he doesn't come back to the 'real world' with you and stop his 'online' shenanigans. You need to let him know what he loses. And if he can't stop, then you have no choice, you follow through, keep your pride intact or he keeps doing this, in shich case, you sacrifice your pride and self-esteem in this relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): He is too young to settle down with you and is experimenting. He may well love you but he is falling prey to the temptations that computers and the internet offer. It is really sad, but speaking to you as a person older and wiser you really have no choice but to finish with him.
I stayed with boyfriends who cheated when I was your age and spent years with damaged trust and having real problems with forming stable relationships after that. You willl find it hard to trust people thanks to him, that is the gift he has given you and you should be angry about it.
Don't consider him more important than you are. Part of growing up means being able to absorp pain and take responsibility, as part of looking after number one. I still remember my youthful hurts even now. The 2 boyfriends who really hurt me still regret it 30 years later and I am "the one who got away" for them. I am glad I did now because I met my first love again after all these years - who was not one of those bad boys.
Do whatever you need to do for yourself, not to hang on to a person who is not worthy. In these matters it is not possible to compromise without compromising yourself. Why should you, he has not considered the legacy he leave you with. He is busy tarting about and the chances are he will always be a potential cheater. Don't look at the potential of a guy and think what he could be, take him at face value. It is not up to you to change people or make them see the light. It is up to you to look for someone who is already good, trustworthy and worthwhile. One day your children will thank you for it and you have a better chance of keeping your family together if the only thing you need to worry about is what you will have for dinner, not what your other half is up to on the internet or who he is cheating with. Only someone who thought they had to settle for less, who doesn't think much of themselves would settle for the person your guy is right now.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (11 March 2008):
 Alarm bells would be ringing big time for me.
The guy probably does love you, but he's bored. Thats my guess anyway. Its been 2 yrs and he's young. He wants to get attention from others. The net is common for younger guys to come onto older women, its a tad tacky, but its not unusual. You do get the odd one or two older women that actually get flattered by it. No idea why, its not like the young guy wants anything important from them.
But anyway, he may well of not done anything serious as in meet up with them, but i think at his age, and from what things he's been doing, the msn chats and old mobile etc, he wont stop doing it in a hurry. Its not like he's not aware that you are onto him.
I think its gonna be a case of you putting up with it and hoping he realises its all pointless crap in the end before he does actually meet them, or leave him and meet someone thats got all that stuff out their system.
I dont envy young people these days ive gotta admit!
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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