A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do.. i feel as though my relationship, more myself has gone off track by a mile.I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years and am 19 and in the past year have become overly obsessive and insecure. i really don't know what to do about this. i can't help it. every time another girl is involved i can't help but feeling insecure and something is going on because he is quite flirty. even though i know for certain that nothing is going on i still feel like this.we have been broken up now for about 5 weeks and been trying to sort everything out since but all he wants is for me to trust him and get rid of my insecurities, saying everyone thinks im crazy and that he shouldn't get back together with me. i love him more than anything and really want to stop being insecure it really hurts the realtionship..in the past year i have done more damage than he because i have let my insecurities get the better of me and just stuff everything up.how can i stop being like this and start trusting him?
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (7 November 2009):
 Sadly it appears you have not been able to reconcile with him.
Its very hard to find true love in this world. As time marches on, if your now ex-boyfriend doesn't see the bigger picture, he will forever be wandering about looking for something he doesn't understand.
You, on the other hand, seem to have taken the decisive step in moving on.
I rarely ever suggest going no contact, but it sounds from what you've said, you're better off.
Good luck in the future, and I hope at the very least, when you find the next guy, you'll be able to choose a man who is much better to you and for you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): well, i think youve done the right thing.if hes not ready to be in a commited relationship with you and all he wants is sex, then you shouldnt need other people to tell you that hes not the right person.you should feel used, because he is using you.your only 19. be with other guys, have fun. stop worrying about things like this because youve got years ahead of you. do you know how rare it is for people to actually find "the one" at such a young age?im 30 and still havent found the one. im guessing hes your first real love? your first everything? its so easy to mistake those feelings and think youll be with them forever.move on. find someone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i think i should tell you all we broke up.
I don't know if this is the case but this is what my instincts are telling me.
long story short:
For three months now we've been trying to work things out.. and each time i think things r getting better he says we need more time and isn't ready.. Yet he is ready to sleep with me and that.
I don't know but I really feel used. It has come clear to me that maybe now he was just using me to have his way until someone better came along.. So i told him to make up his mind.. and he said he needed more time.. but he's had 3 months and Im worth more than what he's putting me through, it hurt's way too much and i don't see why if I can stop it, then why would i put myself through the pain/hurt thats jsut so unnecassary. If he doesn't wan't to be with me after 3 mnths of trying. He never will.
So i stopped all contact with him to save future heartache. To be honest I feel much happier now.
Do you guys think I've done the right thing?
I just feel if i'm secure about myself then everything else will fall into place. I'm only 19.. Why should I be going through all this when I have so much to look forward to!? I'm going to be selfish now and focus on myself, to be a happier person!!
:)
xo
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): i think we need to know a bit more of the story,
perhaps his side. have you thought about that?
i understand you feel insecure,but maybe he flirts because you dont pay him enough attention, or maybe its because you flirt with others?
i dont know for certain, im sure theres more to the problem that what has been said.
if you have been together this long and you dont trust him. youll never be able to trust him.
time to move on.
really, it might seem hard now but if you dont let him go youll end up regretting it,
imagine if you get married? your only in a relationship atm. if this went onto be a marriage, it would end in divorce.
from my experience, if his friends are saying stuff about you or if they dont like you theyll end up convincing him to not be with you.
its either you move on, or youll stick around and hell move on.
trust me, save yourself from some pain and let him go now, because after all, no one wants to be in a relationship with a needy/insecure person.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (28 October 2009):
I can see what you're saying there. I am so sorry that he was mean to you. I've been hurt by many women in the past, and I don't recall ever calling any of them a "bitch, whore or slut".
I think maybe he's still a bit immature, and so it takes time to truly appreciate things. Unfortunately some guys don't see what they have in front of them, and that's his bag not yours.
What I do see in you is some other apprehension regarding trust. Some issue remains unresolved there that hits rock-bottom. But its impossible to tell not knowing where he's at in life and who he's there with -- you or some other girl that he no longer has feelings for (if he ever had any real feelings for her at all).
I think if the two of you want each other, then it will be a slow road to go on this one. Maybe its better this way, to take your time together and sort through all the emotions, the insecurities and of course understanding each other's expectations.
Let me suggest that you find out what it is he expects from you, as in the future. And you need to articulate fully what you expect from him, as in the future. When the two of you can see eye-to-eye, and if all of this is honestly put on the table for both of you to consider, maybe that's where the trust issue remains unresolved.
I'm sort of thinking you don't trust him because you're afraid he might "bolt" out of the relationship or just outright stray.
Likewise, if he feels you don't trust him, he may have similar doubts, but not necessarily the same ones.
The best solution to all of this of course is to keep trying to plug through it. It seems like if the two of you are making those efforts, slow albeit, the payoff is there.
Maybe he can finally apologize for being mean to you, and you can find ways to make him feel better about you being a good girl for him, and not something else. Who knows?
No one's perfect in this world. We all make our mistakes. Just hang in there and work together. Over time, people mature. Hopefully you and he can mature to the point that you're thinking of the other person first, and selfish motives are secondary. Once you're at that point, trust becomes much easier.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso to answer everything you have all suggested. I have spoken to him time after time and told him how I feel about everything. And I have spoken to some friends about it and I just don't understand why we are like this. I know WHY i didn't trust him, but i don't know why i still don't.. does any of this make sense?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks guys,
I had completely forgotten I wrote this and just came and checked it now!
We are still broken up but trying to sort things through very very slowly instead of rushing through things like we always do.
Things seem to really be getting better but I still for some reason do not trust him! I know i've done more than he has bt some of the things he says are actually plain spiteful. For example we were fighting the other day and because I called this girl he spent way TOO much time with that he got feelings for her for a while (gone now apparently) well I called her a slut, as us women get very resentful and he absolutely went off at me calling me a slut, bitch, whore saying he had been sleeping with my best friend. Now mind you he was actually saying this to hurt me because I know I'm not a slut seeing as I've been with him and only him but it still hurt that he gets so spiteful and angry. How could you say things like that to someone you love?
It just seems to be fight after fight after fight and I'm only 19!!! It shouldn't be this hard should it?
Thank you
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (5 October 2009):
The cornerstone of every relationship is trust. What you've got going on and have had going on for awhile now is a lack of trust or confidence in your boyfriend.
He's a flirt. Men do that. Sometimes its ego-stroking, sometimes its a way to get your attention, so you'll focus on him more.
Here's a few things you can do to stop this from happening.
First of all you need to sit down with your boyfriend, if you can, and tell him that when he flirts especially while you're there, its very painful to you emotionally and it in turn makes you needy, insecure and clingy. This obsession then feeds on itself and has created a great deal of personal anguish inside you.
Second of all, if he continues to flirt in your presence, then start complimenting the other girl, whilst pawing your boyfriend, and tell her how attracted YOU are to her as well and then say something like, "I can see why my boyfriend's attracted to you, but he's still after all, all mine!"
If you turn your pain into something witty and at the same time, sending a signal to the other girl that he's being too flirty, and the other girl can't trust him, she'll get the message and shy away. It'll also embarrass him and so he will probably stop doing that around you; especially if it makes HIM look like a fool.
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A
male
reader, Kolinsky  +, writes (5 October 2009):
Let me just say I am stunned by your level of self-awareness.
Insecurity is something we're all dealing with. With some of us it's worse, but I assure you that everyone has it.
So listen up, babe:
You're obviously very committed to this relationship and you're determined to deal with your demons. Well, it won't happen over a day.
Talk. That's the solution - talking. When you see him flirt, wait till you get home and then tell him in a calm tone of voice:
"*insert name here*, it looked like you were flirting with that girl. Is something bothering you?"
Now there are two important things to note here.
I used the word "looked". Usually women say "feel/felt" which is very confusing to us men. It's a whole new level when you say that something felt... But when you say "looks like" he has to ask himself what made you see things the way you did. It's much easier for us that way.
Second thing - take care of his feelings. I don't know who's the idiot that proclaimed that men have no feelings and they only crave sex. What a load of bullocks.
We are actually very sensitive and believe it or not, men often flirt in the company of their girlfriends when they feel threatened or emasculated by them. It's like he's trying to attract your attention - "Hey, look, honey! Other girls like me too. I'm worth something!"
Maybe he feels you're smarter and that makes him feel inferior or maybe he doesn't feel appreciated enough. Either way, it is your job to try and smooth things out by talking. Get some together time and tell him how things "look" from your perspective.
And try to calm down, girl. Be glad that you have someone to worry over.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 October 2009):
More to the point, why do you feel this way. Sit down with someone and really think about what has made you feel this way. Something in your past? You're not crazy at all. He really seems to like you, so it would be a shame to throw it away. Look into your life and see what else there is you are worried about.
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