A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a sexual relationship with a man for over almost 4 years now. I do not have feelings for him, but had always wondered why he was so distant and indifferent towards me throughout the 4 years. Long story short I just found out through instagram that he has a girlfriend and that he's been seeing me since the very beginning of their relationship!!! I haven't told him yet that I know and don't even know if I should.She's gorgeous, successful, and seems to have a good personality from her pictures. I'm kind of heart broken and cried when I saw the pictures. He lied to me about being too busy, tired, or at work, when in reality, he was busy taking her out to amazing dinners, trips, and buying her flowers while I was just a nobody to him. I wish she would realize he's a cheater, but I also don't want to tell anyone because I live in such a small community that rumors would spread like wildfire and my own career would be on the line as well. She seems to have no idea at all and is living in bliss. She might even marry this guy, honestly. This whole time i thought I was just among his rotation of women, but it turns out she's a serious girlfriend. They're both 34.How can I cope with these feelings of being worthless to him? I know I shouldn't care since he's a cheater but I can't help but compare myself to her. I've never had a boyfriend and want to be loved the way she is loved and slightly jealous that she gets to have this side of him. Yet I know that in reality, he probably loves himself more than anyone else.
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at work, flowers, has a girlfriend, jealous, never had a boyfriend Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2020): "I do not have feelings for him, but had always wondered why he was so distant and indifferent towards me throughout the 4 years."
Try this thought-experiment: go back to 4 years ago. Let it occur to you that 'hey, what if in 4 tears' time I find out that this guy whom I have *no feelings* for has had a proper girlfriend all along? Would I be upset?... Should I be?'
"But it sometimes didn’t work and I was left wishing he’d just ask me how my day was or how my work is or just who I am. You’d think after 4 years there is at least a little curiosity, but no."
Tom Cruise: Sergeant Farrell.. you're an American, right?
Farrell: No Sir! I'm from Ken,tuc-ky!!
Me: OP, you're a Lady of Logic, right? The longer something has *not* happened, the less the likelihood that it does happen, right?
OP: "Of course, I’d made the choice to stay single out of logic, but [No Sir!] the emotional side of me ..."
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (18 February 2020):
 You ‘wanted’ a no strings situation and you got one. He has no interest in your life, you guys meet for sex and that was always the deal. You can’t set something up under one pretence and hope for something else, that’s not how it works.
Now you know you don’t want a fuck buddy, so maybe put more time into finding a serious partner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your contributions and advice. I am inching my way forward to progress in a better life
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (18 February 2020):
I don’t understand the problem. If you don’t care about him and you’re bothered by his cheating end your FWB thing and move on. You apparently made it clear from the start that you wanted nothing from this guy but sex and that is what he gave you. You can’t cry about him living up to his end of the bargain now can you?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2020):
 Now that you know this guy can totally compartmentalize his emotions (having a "real" relationship and a serious GF + having a F-buddy (you) and have no issue with it.
I get that a "casual thing" might seem OK to "hold you over" until you HAVE time for a relationship, but reading between the lines in your post, you ACTUALLY want a real relations with someone who really care. Nothing strange about that, but... casual is casual, like a tissue you blow you nose in and then toss. At least THAT is sort of how he sees it. If he wants to drop you he will. For now it's worked out for him because you are (my guess) low maintenance. Giving you a hug and some affection is to keep you sweet enough to continue. He puts in JUST little enough effort to have you continue with him.
IF you are OK with that, YOU need to figure out how to KEEP your emotions out of it and your expectations WAY WAY low when it comes to ACTUAL feelings.
You'll work this out. You already seem to know what's up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All, OP here
The reason I’ve also chosen to do this for this long is because I had made the choice to be single until finishing grad school and also stay single until I can work on myself and get to where I want to be in life (emotionally)before bringing someone in.
Of course, I’d made the choice to stay single out of logic, but the emotional side of me was still wishing to be loved and noticed. A lot of the time I would hang out with him because I looked forward to the cuddling and affection. It felt like I had someone, even just for a few hours.
It was something I thought was in the meantime of getting a real, serious boyfriend. I told myself that I’m being silly for hoping he would ask about myself if its just a sexual relationship. I’d turn a blind eye to it and tel myself “Just have fun!” But it sometimes didn’t work and I was left wishing he’d just ask me how my day was or how my work is or just who I am. You’d think after 4 years there is at least a little curiosity, but no.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (16 February 2020):
 You've really done yourself a disservice by not considering yourself first since the beginning. You thought you were one in a line of many different woman and you still stayed... So it makes me wonder.. what do you think that you deserve when you think of the kind of man that you'd like? I'm not quite sure if you take yourself seriously as a force to be reckoned with. Whether it was to be a long line of different women or just this one serious girlfriend, you seem to believe that you deserve someone who has his attention split, either way. That's honestly so sad to me because you were willing to be on the sidelines anyway. Why don't you deserve more? Why should you settle for second best?
I'm here to tell you that you DO deserve more. How he had treated you, has little to do with you and everything to do with how selfish he is. Now, I do think that your self esteem may not be where it needs to be. This girlfriend of his has nothing to do with you and it should have no effect on how you feel about yourself. It would only have that effect if you already did not feel like a prize to begin with. It's exposing what was already there. This isn't a new thing for you. Not really.
What you need to do is realise that this man is a cheater and you're honestly better off without him. Telling his girlfriend will do nothing for you both especially if she decides to stay with him, which she probably will and all the blame will be on you. So I suggest that you just take this as a lesson learned and try to move forward. I suggest that you don't date again for a while, at least until you can sort through your feelings and discover how to love yourself first, without having what the next person does/thinks of you negativity affect the way that you see yourself as a woman and as a human being. You need to do some self discovery for a while.
Things like this happen. People lie. They do bad things. It's how you bounce back from it that matters. You can bounce back and when you do, you will hopefully find someone who thinks highly of you.
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A
female
reader, Dionee' +, writes (16 February 2020):
You've really done yourself a disservice by not considering yourself first since the beginning. You thought you were one in a line of many different woman and you still stayed... So it makes me wonder.. what do you think that you deserve when you think of the kind of man that you'd like? I'm not quite sure if you take yourself seriously as a force to be reckoned with. Whether it was to be a long line of different women or just this one serious girlfriend, you seem to believe that you deserve someone who has his attention split, either way. That's honestly so sad to me because you were willing to be on the sidelines anyway. Why don't you deserve more? Why should you settle for second best?
I'm here to tell you that you DO deserve more. How he had treated you, has little to do with you and everything to do with how selfish he is. Now, I do think that your self esteem may not be where it needs to be. This girlfriend of his has nothing to do with you and it should have no effect on how you feel about yourself. It would only have that effect if you already did not feel like a prize to begin with. It's exposing what was already there. This isn't a new thing for you. Not really.
What you need to do is realise that this man is a cheater and you're honestly better off without him. Telling his girlfriend will do nothing for you both especially if she decides to stay with him, which she probably will and all the blame will be on you. So I suggest that you just take this as a lesson learned and try to move forward. I suggest that you don't date again for a while, at least until you can sort through your feelings and discover how to love yourself first, without having what the next person does/thinks of you negativity affect the way that you see yourself as a woman and as a human being. You need to do some self discovery for a while.
Things like this happen. People lie. They do bad things. It's how you bounce back from it that matters. You can bounce back and when you do, you will hopefully find someone who thinks highly of you.
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A
female
reader, Dionee' +, writes (16 February 2020):
You've really done yourself a disservice by not considering yourself first since the beginning. You thought you were one in a line of many different woman and you still stayed... So it makes me wonder.. what do you think that you deserve when you think of the kind of man that you'd like? I'm not quite sure if you take yourself seriously as a force to be reckoned with. Whether it was to be a long line of different women or just this one serious girlfriend, you seem to believe that you deserve someone who has his attention split, either way. That's honestly so sad to me because you were willing to be on the sidelines anyway. Why don't you deserve more? Why should you settle for second best?
I'm here to tell you that you DO deserve more. How he had treated you, has little to do with you and everything to do with how selfish he is. Now, I do think that your self esteem may not be where it needs to be. This girlfriend of his has nothing to do with you and it should have no effect on how you feel about yourself. It would only have that effect if you already did not feel like a prize to begin with. It's exposing what was already there. This isn't a new thing for you. Not really.
What you need to do is realise that this man is a cheater and you're honestly better off without him. Telling his girlfriend will do nothing for you both especially if she decides to stay with him, which she probably will and all the blame will be on you. So I suggest that you just take this as a lesson learned and try to move forward. I suggest that you don't date again for a while, at least until you can sort through your feelings and discover how to love yourself first, without having what the next person does/thinks of you negativity affect the way that you see yourself as a woman and as a human being. You need to do some self discovery for a while.
Things like this happen. People lie. They do bad things. It's how you bounce back from it that matters. You can bounce back and when you do, you will hopefully find someone who thinks highly of you.
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A
female
reader, Dionee' +, writes (16 February 2020):
You've really done yourself a disservice by not considering yourself first since the beginning. You thought you were one in a line of many different woman and you still stayed... So it makes me wonder.. what do you think that you deserve when you think of the kind of man that you'd like? I'm not quite sure if you take yourself seriously as a force to be reckoned with. Whether it was to be a long line of different women or just this one serious girlfriend, you seem to believe that you deserve someone who has his attention split, either way. That's honestly so sad to me because you were willing to be on the sidelines anyway. Why don't you deserve more? Why should you settle for second best?
I'm here to tell you that you DO deserve more. How he had treated you, has little to do with you and everything to do with how selfish he is. Now, I do think that your self esteem may not be where it needs to be. This girlfriend of his has nothing to do with you and it should have no effect on how you feel about yourself. It would only have that effect if you already did not feel like a prize to begin with. It's exposing what was already there. This isn't a new thing for you. Not really.
What you need to do is realise that this man is a cheater and you're honestly better off without him. Telling his girlfriend will do nothing for you both especially if she decides to stay with him, which she probably will and all the blame will be on you. So I suggest that you just take this as a lesson learned and try to move forward. I suggest that you don't date again for a while, at least until you can sort through your feelings and discover how to love yourself first, without having what the next person does/thinks of you negativity affect the way that you see yourself as a woman and as a human being. You need to do some self discovery for a while.
Things like this happen. People lie. They do bad things. It's how you bounce back from it that matters. You can bounce back and when you do, you will hopefully find someone who thinks highly of you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 February 2020):
How does this happen for 4 years?
You never met his friends? His family? No talk of moving in together? Marriage, kids? future? Of course not! Because you two were JUST fu@k-buddies!
You write: "This whole time i thought I was just among his rotation of women, but it turns out she's a serious girlfriend." HOW is it WORSE that he was ONLY (supposedly) seeing ONE other woman besides you? And how do you KNOW you weren't just on a "rotation" - you might NOT be the only woman he has on the side. He might have SEVERAL AND a "serious" GF.
Yes, he probably loves himself MORE than anyone. No, HE isn't the one making you "worthless", YOU are. Up to a point. When you decide to be OK with a SEXUAL, no feelings or care kind of "thing" (because you can't really call it a relationship) this is ONE of the possible outcomes. WHY should THIS guy CARE more about you, than you care about YOU? Or him?
You say you don't have feelings for him, so WHY on Earth have you wasted 4 years having sex with him?
And when you find out he HAS someone that he apparently (because you CAN'T go by social media) treats well, you all of a sudden want him to care? It makes no sense.
So what do you do?
You tell him, I'm done, don't ever want to see you again, don't contact me. After that you BLOCK, delete, REMOVE, etc. all forms of contact. AND you GO get yourself a STD panel done. You have NO idea just how many or who he has slept with.
It's not nice to realize that someone can have sex with you for 4 years and not give a single F about you. I get that, but HOPING that he will care now is just plain unrealistic. And even IF he was capable, why would he do that NOW? YOU said you don't really CARE for him, so maybe just take this as a wake up call for you to end this "thing".
DUMP the asshat.
Get tested for STD's/ STI's.
Do some self care and self discovery.
Most FWB/NSA "things" don't last for a reason. Usually because people catch feelings or WANT more.
You were (for whatever reason) OK with status quo of just having a a sexual thing with this man, UNTIL you found out, he also has a REAL relationship with someone else.
THAT is OK! (that you no longer feel OK with this) Which is why you end it. ASAP.
What you had with him WAS/IS in fact MEANINGLESS sex. Like N91 said. The whole point is SEX without meaning. There is NO real point to this sex, as neither of you care for each other, there isn't a FUTURE here. It's just wasting time. Settling for something not even half-assed, not even quarter-assed!.
If you CAN'T be ASSED to LOOK for an ACTUAL partner, this is the kind of guy you can "get" even if you don't really "have" him either. You just get to BORROW his DICK on occasion.
WANT more for yourself.There is ABSOLUTELY no reason to think that YOU do not DESERVE a loving and caring partner. This guy, however, isn't it. He never was.
Time to rethink this casual sex thing, I think.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 February 2020):
I’m sorry what?
This is confusing. You have no feelings for this guy but you’re upset now you’ve found out that you mean nothing to him? Help me understand here.
If you want a partner then why have you spent 4 years sleeping with someone you couldn’t give a toss about? If you don’t want to tell his partner what’s been going on then block and delete all of his contact and move on with your life. No explanations, just disappear.
Stop having meaningless sex if it’s not what you want, simple.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 February 2020):
 The fact that you were happy enough when you thought you were one of his many sexual partners but are not happy now you know he has a "proper" girlfriend tells me you were not in this ersatz relationship for any other reason than loneliness and that a "proper" relationship is what you wish for. And why wouldn't you? The question is, why did you settle for being this user's bit on the side?
In your shoes I would just cut him off and block all contact. If you tell him why you are doing it, he will assume (possibly rightly?) that you are jealous and had hoped the arrangement would develop into something more. It's up to you but I wouldn't give him that ego boost. I would find much more satisfaction in walking away with my head held high and without a single word of explanation.
Some men are just born cheaters. They will have a wonderful girlfriend/wife at home but still take anything else which is offered. He will cheat again (he may already be cheating with more than you). Feel sympathy for his girlfriend and move on.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 February 2020):
 You want to be loved the way she is loved ? I.e., by someone who will cheat on you and lie to you non-stop for 4 years ?
Hopefully not . You want to be loved because everybody wants to be loved, but I bet you want to be loved by someone good. Someone sincere , loyal- and/or someone so in love with you , that would not be intrigued by the idea of a continuing sex only tryst.
I am sorry if you are upset, but I am not that sure that I understand why. Because you discovered there's a woman in this man's life, whom he likes better than he likes you ? well, that should not come as a total surprise, I mean, after four years of nothing more sexual encounters only,
always accompanied by distance and indifference,... you could not be under the illusion that he liked you a lot, could you ? Or , that he liked you more than strictly in a sexual way. Which, though, from what you write it is precisely the way you want to be liked by him, no more and no less - so where's the problem ?
Why is it worse if he has only one girlfriend, rather than, as you assumed, a score of different sex buddies ?. In fact, there's less risk for you , healthwise ( I guess you are using protection, still promiscuity is promiscuity and the more people are involved in a sexual situation, the more health risks increase ). Plus, even psychologically , I think, it's more flattering for a fuck buddy being the one and only exception to a monogamous regime ( … one can think that the sexual chemistry is so damn strong that he just " can't help himself " ) rather than one among dozens of random of different sexual partners, taken , not even chosen, just for the eheck of it.
My conclusion would be , either that you are in denial and you did develop feelings for this guy- or , more simply, that you are just not cut out for being an FWB, not all women are , you know ? Some try to adjust to the role out of loneliness or desperation, or because they feel being an FWB, no strings attached, is more contemporary and
liberated and empowering,...or for whatever reason of theirs, but - it's just not their cup of tea.
If this is the case, you should stop immediately seeing this guy ( or others who only offer what he is offering ):
Suffering for love is already bad enough, …. but suffering for NSA sex is unjustifiable! It is supposed to be FUN !, not to make you miserable. The moment is not fun anymore… the liaison's reason to exist just ceases.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (16 February 2020):
 You say you don't love him so if that's the case then look at this whole situation as a bullet dodged. He's a liar and a cheater. He took time from you but not your heart right??? Think how his girlfriend is going to feel when she finally discovers what a creep he is! She too has invested time but she thinks he loves her and she probably wants a future with him where you were just getting sex. Who wants to wake up one day to find your husband has been lying to you all along?
See it for what it is and move on and just remember that if you are in a FB relationship that there's always the chance that you aren't the only woman the guy is seeing.
Want more for you. DEMAND it. Don't feel sad be happy that now you know. You are right..he didn't love you, he doesn't love her. He loves himself. He would treat ANY woman like crap not just you so don't think that way.
Be free sweetie...and be careful about who you get involved with. WANT MORE than just casual sex. Be safe
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 February 2020):
 There was no chance of you finding a boyfriend to love you while you were in a purely sexual relationship for the past four years.
If that is honestly what you want then view this discovery and a sign from the universe (or wherever) that you need to end this relationship that you are holding onto, so that you can open your arms, and heart, to whatever else might be out there for you.
There is no need for you to let this girl know her boyfriend is a cheater, he will probably cheat again and again until she works it out for herself.
I can understand your feeling jealous, but admit to yourself it is irrational jealousy because there was never any feelings of love or affection on your part, nor did you ever indicate you wanted more.
Accept your own part in this scenario, then drop him and move on. There are no feelings of love you need to deal with, just rejection which is horrible enough in itself, and jealousy. Neither are emotions you want to hang on to.
I hope you take it as a wake up call and then find the boyfriend you really want.
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