A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: We've been married for two years now, but all these wounds that I've gotten during our relationship haven't healed. I want to move on so badly from everything but I don't know how. I want to say my anxiety is what is keeping me from thinking about these situations and hurting myself over and over again remembering them. My husband is in the military, but when we were engaged, a lot of his comrades believed that he was marrying me to get to live off base and that hurt me a lot. He was deployed in Afghanistan for nine months when we first began dating, and I found out that he had been chatting with his ex while he was over there. I felt like an idiot. He also arranged to make plans to rent out a hotel room with his buddies and have women in there. When on a road trip, he looked through my phone and was pissed to see I had a male friend. This friend and I have never flirted, and I've known him for years on years, way before I even met my husband. He then compared me to his exes, saying something like, "my exes would never have talked to another guy. If some guy flirted with them, they would tell them to f*ck off." I made some kind of remark as to his old relationships lasted a couple of months each, tops. He's made me feel awful about my body and myself. I've never felt so insecure in a relationship. Once, I was beneath the blanket while we were getting intimate and he opted to watch porn instead of looking at me. I've voiced how that hurt me, and he told me I should start going to the gym if I feel that bad about myself. During a fight, he told me any ounce of empathy he ever had for me died when I wanted to wear a different pair of shoes than the ones he picked out for me to propose to me in. Silly, I know. Recently, he pulled up his Facebook to show me something, and as he was typing in the search bar, he recent searches showed two of his exes. I found out that he had been looking at his exes profiles on plenty of fish, and then proceeding to look them up on Facebook. Apparently his friend told him that his ex was now married to someone inside his unit, but I'm not sure if I believe it. He swore he never reached out to them. Looking up exes is something pretty common but given his history with exes, I'm skeptical that it's harmless. And I'm hurt. What do I do? I love him a lot, and I couldn't imagine leaving. I want to feel okay about myself again. Maybe that will help me see things more clearly, because right now, I don't feel like I'm worth much at all. I feel like he just stays with me because I won't leave, I always seem to disappoint him. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense or if it seems like I'm rambling. Thank you for taking the time to read this. ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2020): OP here again. Thank you all for your input and your insight. He did come back from deployment a different man. He's seen a lot. He doesn't act like the things he's witnessed and seen don't bother him, but they do. He carries a lot of guilt thinking he could have done more. As far as I know, he was talking his ex at the beginning of deployment (which is about the same time we began dating, it's a bit fuzzy as to when we became official so maybe that's how he justified it. I still think it's wrong), but he eventually told her that he was very much so in a relationship with me. It hurt me a lot at the time, but I don't think he was thinking clearly. I just want to forgive everything that's happened. Lately, he's been great. Honestly. It took a long time for us to be at the spot we're at currently, but we've been working through our issues and have become closer because of it. Thank you all for your concern, however! I don't believe he's abusive, but! I do believe his behavior was very toxic. It put me in a bad headspace at the time. He's begun complimenting me more and making me feel more special in this marriage, but I still find it hard to get over the past. He feels bad, he's expressed that to me, but it's hard for me to let go of everything that's happened. I really am sorry that my post wasn't very clear in the beginning! But thank you all for your interest in giving me advice, I do appreciate it greatly!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2020): Honeypie, The Outstanding, wrote:
"One thing you may not quite understand is HOW deployments can mess with a soldiers psyche. They don't come home being same person, especially if they saw combat or wounded/dead friends/foes. It doesn't excuse his immature behavior, mind you but it might explain why he feels and says stupid stuff"
OP wrote: "He was deployed in Afghanistan for nine months when we first began dating"
Bingo @Honeypie for addressing this.
The OP is in a better position than quite a few of us to know full well how deployments just f*ck people up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2020): Your reply scares the crap out of me.Victims of abusers always think the abuser will change.This is textbook.He treats you like dirt...cheats on you and you are just fine and dandy about that?Are you gonna wait until he destroys your self esteem so much that you become a shell of yourself and self harm or worse kill yourself?Or will you wait until he kills you?Everyone knows abuse gets worse in time it is a proven fact.You need help to realize you need to get out and get away from this jerk. Please please do not have a child with this man.Please please be on reliable birth control.Please leave him because most of all you deserve to be respected and loved and treated well and with him you get none of these things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2020): OP here again! Thank you all for your responses! You've all been a major help. I realize I hadn't inputted the entirety of the story into my original post, so sorry about that.
He's, generally speaking, been better to me and our relationship in general has improved, but I still hurt thinking about what he's done and what he's said. I try not to bring it up much because I don't want to jinx the "good" we have right now. Before him, I never really had body issues to the extent I have them now, so I'm hurting bad knowing that my husband has done things and said things that made me question how I feel about myself. Ultimately I know it's my decision whether or not to let it affect me, but gosh dang it, it's hard to brush it off. He's never cheated on me as far as I know, but when he was deployed, what he was doing was VERY shady. Our relationship was new and I blamed it on him being afraid of being hurt, and he's since apologized and is willing to block all of his exes, but it still stung a lot because I would never think of doing that to him.
Since we've had our major problems, I feel like he's changed. He puts a lot more effort into controlling his anger (he was very, very quick to anger) and it shows, I think. He knows he was very close to losing this marriage. I can't help but an impending sense of doom that things may go downhill again, but I don't know if that's my anxiety talking or not.
And thanks honeypie, I'll check out those resources! Currently, I'm going to university and working, so I try to get out as much as I can to keep myself productive.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2020):
 Oh one thing I forgot to mention, that might be helpful too, (regardless of whether you are religious or not) you CAN talk to the Chaplain on post, they DO have marriage retreats (we went to one when hubby was stationed in Germany and while we were doing fine in the marriage we learned a few things we still use some 17 years later).
The Chaplains have GOOD resources and can BE a good resource for you (and yours husband) as well. IF you chose to explore that.
You husband might not want to, and that is ON him, but that doesn't mean YOU can't work on yourself and use the resources available, right?
Just like the GYM and pools are often open to family members too (and free) it's pretty nifty if you live close by.
There are also websites for military spouses where you can talk to other spouses/partners and support each other. They are also a GREAT resource.
You didn't mention if you are working or not, so another thing that can be helpful is (if you are not working) is volunteering on base/post. (Check out ACS for that) It gets you out of the house etc. And also look into further your own education (if you are so inclined) there are SO many jobs that spouses of a military member can have that TRANSFERS when you PCS and help you land a job no matter where he (you) gets stationed. Don't be dependent of him.
Personal growth is always good. Whether HE is the right guy for you or not, that is something, I think, only you can decide.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2020): OP here! Thank you so much honeypie! You're motivating me to be and feel better!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 February 2020):
The first one who HAS to be OK with you, IS you. You are projecting your insecurities into your marriage and HE is projecting is PISS-POOR behavior onto you.
He doesn't WANT you to talk to other males, because he KNOWS how HE has been talking to other women. He just presumes that your male friend is LIKE him, and that YOU are like the women HE has been talking to. Which obviously is bad behavior.
I do think people check out their exes online these days out of curiosity, and to one up them or hope they haven't done better than them. So He might be looking up his exes because HE is insecure that THEY found better guys after him. It's NOT always because they still "love" that person.
Your generation LIVES on social media too much, if I may be frank. Reality is not what you see on Facebook, twitter or Instagram.
As for you. Because YOU should be your own priority, right now. Do you NEED to go to the gym? Is there some truth to that? That you could do some physical self-improvements? Would THAT make YOU feel better about you? If so... Get your ass to the gym. There are gyms on post/base that you can use for free, and they often have to PRETTY good and fairly cheap personal trainers you can hire to get you fit.
Secondly, If you are getting jiggy and he starts to look at porn, GET your ass out of bed and LEAVE him to his dominant hand. Why on Earth should you try and be his human "fleshlight" if he rather watch porn? Heck, no. Either HE engaged with you or not get any.
I do understand if you fuss about how you look and NO he can't see you naked because you hate your belly or butt or whatever... IT GETS OLD HAT! And it DOES kill the mood, I am sure. So STOP that. He is your husband. If you WANT him sexually, SHOW him. Don't hide. OK?
The whole shoe debacle... I don't know what to say other than it sounds like stupid and silly argument. And you need to let that go. No point in holding grudges here.
One thing you may not quite understand is HOW deployments can mess with a soldiers psyche. They don't come home being same person, especially if they saw combat or wounded/dead friends/foes. It doesn't excuse his immature behavior, mind you but it might explain why he feels and says stupid stuff like... "any ounce of empathy he ever had for me died when I wanted to wear a different pair of shoes".
I think you NEED to start RESPECTING yourself and if he is smart, HE will take notice.
You are both young, immature (yes, you too) and still learning how to navigate the world and marriage. Many young married couples JUMP into marriage before they really know what's expected, they just think OH happily ever after... which isn't reality. Healthy relationships are hard work, marriages? HARDER work. You HAVE to maintain it, you have to ALSO maintain yourself, your independence and PERSONAL growth. YOU both have a LOT of maturing and growing to do. BUT you can't "fix" him, you can however WORK on areas within YOU that you are not happy with.
He isn't the one who DETERMINE your "worth" - YOU are. So BE that HIGH Value woman you WANT to be. That takes work. YOU have to DO that work. Are you willing?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2020): It’s hard to tell from your post what happened when...
Frankly, based on what you’ve you written, I don’t know why you married him. He doesn’t seem to be the right partner for you if you’re looking for someone who respects you and is considerate of your feelings without bringing in exes and other women into the picture, as these things clearly bother you.
However you say you don’t want to leave him... Again, it’s hard to give you advice about that without knowing when these incidents occurred and what other things he does. Does he do ANYTHING to acknowledge the hurt he’s caused you and does he do anything to make up for it?
If he’s still engaging in behavior that is hurtful to you, then how are you supposed to move on? I don’t think there’s anyway you can forgive and let it go if he’s still doing a lot of bad behavior, such as controlling who your friends are (male or female), putting you down and making comments about your body, being unsupportive, having no empathy for you, etc. if this is the case, you shouldn’t try to let it go because he is wrong!
On the other hand, if he’s stopped and is now loving and supportive, then it’s a matter of learning to forgive and forget because it’s in the past. It seems you can’t do this on your own and might need professional help to get over it....
But it depends on what is happening now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2020): Red flags to the max!!!!! He treats you bad and he cheats....cheaters usually accuse their spouse of cheating.Why put up with this abuse?I know why...he has killed your self esteem.Time to go some guys cannot be fixed and this is one of them.You deserve to be treated well..not to be treated like this.He does not love you as he is too busy just loving himself.You can do way better but you stay with him to be abused.Call a woman's shelter for help....You really need it.Have them help you make an escape plan because guys like this get very nasty when you leave.Get therapy you need it to see he is a abuser and all of this is not your fault.Get out of there today.....be safe.Emotional abuse can be worse on you than physical abuse.With the right support you will be ok.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2020): Yeah... You need to get out of this, for lack of a better word, relationship now.
He is an insecure, manipulative and immature arsehole. He does not love you. He sees you as property to own and treat as he wants to.
You know deep down that he will not change and that you deserve better. All this negative thoughts are what he wants you to feel because if you realised what you really deserve, you would have left long ago and he would have to manipulate another woman into being in a relationship with him.
Get out. Get out now, BEFORE it gets worse. Because it WILL NOT get better.
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