A
female
age
51-59,
*inmuir
writes:I have a slightly odd question about a previous relationship that I'm still trying to figure out aspects of because I'm trying to heal and really move on. I am NOT the kind of person who just walks away from things. I know I give far more than I should in relationships and in friendships I have often been the one trying to help others endlessly. I am mindful of this now and trying to put limits on this but I want to figure out one last thing that's bugging me.The person in question used to be a heavy binge drinker and basically ruined my life for many years - or, as I like to try to tell myself, I allowed him to do that to me because I had zero self esteem and, if I can build my esteem, I won't let anyone do that to me again / will value myself more so that I won't allow it to happen again.After we finished, I did a lot of research trying to figure out why he acted the way he did and why I accepted it when it basically made me ill. I fundamentally do not believe he is evil but I do think he has been incredibly immature and selfish and can seem evil because of this. But I figured he had ADHD and asked him, for my own sanity, to do a screening after we finished. Part of him is so easy going (and alternatively very aggressive, to the extent that our cat used to run outside every time he came home), that he agreed to do this. He does have ADHD according to this screening and also auditory dyslexia. He has agreed to do another screening for autism because I am convinced he is on the spectrum - other members in his family have a confirmed diagnosis for this, and I think his mother also has it and this is why she didn't realise her son had it - together they were very extremely bonded because they seem to be wired in the same, odd way. I think this means his mother never gave him / was able to give him the parental guidance, including discipline, that he needed. Instead, she effectively enabled him to be entitled and selfish and not take responsibility for the conditions that he has and their effects on others.Anyway, I've just about figured out everything I can think of to do with this relationship and it is really helping me to feel a lot better and more free, rather than blaming myself or blaming him (I don't like blaming people, even when they've hurt me I try to forgive by working out why and how something happened). But one thing that I would like any input on at all is the pattern that he developed, that I only just figured out, of drinking excessively when whenever he sensed we were reaching anything like normal stability and happiness. In other words, as soon as he sensed things were stabilising between us and that I loved him and we were happy, and when I started to feel safe and like we could begin to have a normal relationship doing 'couple things' instead of running with that and wanting to sustain and grow it in the relationship, he would start doing things like gaslighting about where he was going, then have a huge binge drink, making a thousand excuses for this afterwards and drawing out the worst in me, to the point that I hated what I became at these times. I honestly don't think any of this was pre-meditated on his part. I think he is weak and gets drawn into things and then tries to get away with it and blame anything and everything but himself, but I don't think he is one of those psychopath manipulators. I do also think that if he has autism he literally - quite literally - really struggles to think in terms of two people and thinks only in terms of one, ultimately.I'm not making excuses for him. The way he treated me was appalling. But I can't carry around hatred in my heart for him or anyone else - it simply makes me depressed and full of hatred, which I don't want. So, I'm trying to understand this part of what he did, because it seems really key to everything. I don't want him back, I just want to let go and heal.I know that people with ADHD process dopamine differently - for example, when they have an alcoholic drink, they get a larger surge of pleasure than most people and immediately want more. Would it make sense that someone with ADHD would have a similar sort of response if they were happy in a relationship? I mean, as crazy as it sounds, would the happiness of feeling loved and loving actually cause that person to think "I feel so great, I'm going to have a drink, and then more and more drinks - I deserve to, because I've managed to create a situation with someone where we are happy, so everything is okay " - and, from thereon, he just succumbs to more and more drinking and then a cycle of hangovers, fighting between us, more drinking on his part because we fight etc...What do people think? I can't find anything about this online, but it seems to make sense to me - he's a very weak man and I was basically put in the position of mother, and I'm tired of it and want to let this child go, but with understanding, rather than blame.
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alcoholic, depressed, immature, move on, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, linmuir +, writes (21 February 2020):
linmuir is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all of you - Honeypie, I especially appreciate your thoughts on this.
Yes, I will take all of your advice...I need to 'roll up the carpet' on the past, with this one, and move on, rather than inspecting every tiny fibre in it.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (18 February 2020):
My god what a waste of time and energy. The relationship is over I cannot imagine how exhausting it must be to go over every little detail trying to find a logical explanation for this guy’s behavior. Heck it was tiring reading all the justifications you’ve come up with.
Put the past in the past and try to start looking forward.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (17 February 2020):
 I think that all of this work trying to analyze this guy to death, is energy better spent elsewhere. I’m not sure you’ll ever be satiated, because there are just some answers that you will never have. You can research this man until the end of your days, and there will always be something new, some new opinion, some new article, but honestly - it will never end fully, until you decide that rather than use more of your time and energy on this guy (didn’t he already take enough of that from you), it will be so much better used on YOURSELF.
So, you like research. You seem to be very good at it, and analyzing characters. Why not join a book club, or try your hand at writing? Better yourself, love yourself, and don’t spend more time on this guy that you already decided wasn’t worthy of you?
The more time you spend trying to figure this guy out, why he did what he did and why he was like he was, the longer it’s going to take you to get over him. And to get over him, you’re going to need to stop what you’re doing now.
You did the first step. You ended it. And that’s a REALLY big deal. You should be celebrating yourself. You are free to do what you want, and be who you want!
This man does not deserve a second more of your time.
Good luck, sweetness!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 February 2020):
 I think you are obsessing with making this a "can't blame anyone" for the failure of a relationship" but I don't blame you.
Most of us want some kind of LOGICAL reason as to why things go tits up or why some people just... act in very unfamiliar ways (to our own and those around us we have known a long time). We want REASON. And we want to know that NEXT time we won't let ourselves be and stay in a dysfunctional relationship.
We want to know that WE are not entirely to blame nor was the other person, because it IS easier if there is something, like ADHD or whatnot that is the root cause. And you know what? It might be. But I look at your age group and I go, if this guy was in his 50's... BLAMING his mom and maybe ADHD seems to be an easy way out.
He might have it. He might have early onset of Alzheimer's, he might just never have LIKED to take responsibility for anything himself. Yes, his mother might have enabled him... but HE is an adult. And surely if he has or has had a career this whole, "my mom let's me get away with murder" isn't going to cut it in most industries.
Do people with ADHD get a better buzz from alcohol? I don't know. Alcoholics can be high functioning and then they are not. Because it IS an addiction. He might actually be an alcoholic or a Seasonal alcoholic, with binge drinking , which in turn might also have damaged his brain, which in turn can ALSO explain him being a total TWAT at times...
You see where I'm going?
In the end, IF I were you, I'd focus WAY more on yourself, on learning from this relationship, why you ignored red flags, why you didn't leave sooner and how to find a HEALTHY balance in the future with a partner. THAT is what's important, NOT trying to diagnose him or "fix" him. THAT is not your monkey, NOT your circus.
We women want to think that LOVING someone can fix things, if we just LOVE them well enough.
You shouldn't beat yourself up anymore. You stayed way longer than you should have, and you KNOW that now. That is a HUGE step in the right direction. But another would be to let him go and cut all contact with him and his family.
Sometimes the rational explanation is really that important. It's what you DO next that is.
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