A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have had a lot of trouble with our marriage recently (he had an affair which dear cupid has helped me with and thanks again for that.) It has been hell but I still haven't come to a final decision because it's only 3 and a half months since I found out about the affair and we have a 21 year old marraige, 3 children and have built up a good life style together. One of the things that he says he likes is variety in sex. We have always had a good sex life, and still do. He said recently that he only wants to put his arm around me when he wants sex and I have mistaken that sexual affection for love. I'm trying to find out what it is that he really wants (can't imagine why after all that I have gone through)...nevertheless we all have different tolerance levels, as so many of you have pointed out, and I am still clinging on to the final hopes of us making a go of a new marriage together in which we can both ask for what we want. I would like my husband to stop blaming me for the break down of our marriage but daren't ask him for that because he will over-react and that scares me. He's not physically agressive but becomes cold and silent and makes me feel like I have done something wrong if I stand up to him and say how I really feel.He has given me a list of things he wants to change, and one in particular is troubling me. I am naturally fair and have redish/blonde pubic hair, but he has never liked it and so I have dyed it to a black/brown colour. Which he prefers. Since our recent troubles he said it would turn him on to have a bald look and so I shaved it all off and he likes that, but whatever I do it's not enough and he is only affectionate when he is making love. I have 3 questions really:1. Are red/blonde pubs a turn off?2. Do people shave pubic hair regularly and what happens when it grows back?!!! I know now that its itchy! 3. A friend told me it's perverted to want a bald pubic region...what do you all think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): I agree with all the previous post, however I also understand that you can soon get your confidence knocked by such comments from the man you live with and love. I am a red head also and I absolutely hate having red pubic hair. I have found this forum by googling 'how to die your red pubic hair'!!!! You hear red heads being knocked all the time on the television by commedians and the likes, the 'joker of the pack'..... I really hope you have the strenght to overcome these really horrible comments/suggestions your partner is making against you. x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): I don't understand why YOU are the one doing everything for him. He should be trying to make up to you, doing things for you. I cannot believe you followed through his list, you should have thrown it in his face! sorry but how dare he tell you to dye your hair! I never heard of that before. I think he just wants to push you and push you till you end it. Yeah you got a winner on your hands hunny
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): OMG dear learn to love yourself. I read this question out of curiosity I'm not in the mood for answering but I had to write this to you because you sound like you have a very low self esteem. Doing all those things for that man who treats you like he is the King and you should serve him? All because you care more about your kids well being and want to keep the relationship? Please!
I had a fiance just like your man. He gave me the silent treatment if I didn't do things his way. I totally wrecked his world when I dumped him after what he thought was the major manipulative strategy ever he could control me with.
You must be strong, face him and be prepared to overreact yourself and haunt him with a sudden change. You'll never be happy if you don't change. Because You know what? He will never change. He will continue to find flaws in you and making excuses to live his life doing what he wants.
Your silent acceptance of his disrepectful behavior is feeding this dysfunctional relationship that will only harm your children even more than a divorce.
YOU ARE In A CODEpendent relationship and in a desperate need (I know you don't realize it) to get help.
Codependency could also be regarded as an addiction, although not of the classical kind. It is a form of psychological addiction to another human being. While the term codependency may sound like a mutual dependency, in reality, it is very one-sided. A person who is codependent gives up their rights, individuality, wants, and needs to another person. The other person's likes and wants become their own desires and the codependent person begins to live vicariously through the other person, totally abandoning their own life. Codependency is often the reason that women remain in abusive relationships. Codependent people tend to trust people who are untrustworthy. Self-help groups and counseling is available for codependents and provide full recovery.
If you read on this subject (codependent relationships) you'll find yourself portrayed in them and hopefully will finally understand that your relationship is not normal, or healthy and cannot continue the way it is.
God Bless You
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A
female
reader, kittikat  +, writes (22 March 2008):
 I have to say that your real problems are a little more concerning than reddish pubic hair, percepted perversion and razor stubble. This man is scary, a classic abusive partner. Emotional and mental abuse can do just as much if not more damage to a relationship than physical violence. I'm worried for you. I can understand doing things to spice up your love life, but only if you're both wanting those changes. He's obviously controlling and manipulative and you're right, it will never be enough. "It" being anything at any moment. People don't cheat because they're bored in bed, or that there's something wrong with you. They cheat because they're not getting some fundamental need met. He has to figure out what it was that made him stray. I'd say that you need to talk to him about his behavior towards you and how it affects you, but that seems pointless. You have learned a little too late that you can't talk to him. It is not all your fault, remember that. He has a problem that he needs to address, but again, it's probably too late and very sad. If you've been together that long, you're also probably too brainwashed to see how dangerous this relationship is. Anyway, to answer your questions:
1. Everyone is attracted to something different and most people would care less what color pubic hair is- his request is bizarre and probably considered psychotic.
2. Yes, it can itch when it grows in and get infected. One thing that's probably a universal turn off is a pockmarked, pimply genital area so be careful. Always use a fresh razor and try to find an after shave lotion. Here in the states we have a thing called "Bikini Zone" that works awesome. You could also try waxing, but only if you like it, not to please him just to please him. Ick.
3. Perverted? What do you think? That's all that matters! Everyone has a different view on what's "perverted", and why would you care anyway? That's the real question to be answering. You need to figure out why you're even asking these things. I'm sad for you and I hope that you can get help for your relationship. Be safe.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 Dear poster, I would like to give you my opinion in private. Can you send me a message, so I can write you back?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 It sound like he wants things his way or the highway, did you get to make a list? Remember, he can shave too.
1. Depends on the guy. There is currently a trend of complete body waxes, that means ALL the hair, even down hair on your instance your arms. But hairy is a fetish of its own, this means not shaving anything including legs.
Most men are somewhere in the middle, shaved legs, pits, a maintained bush. What does this mean? A "normal" bush above your vulva, but the vulva itself mostly clear or at least thin enough that you don't need a weedwhacker to perform cunninglus. Ben Elton had a marvelous sketch about it years ago.
The color? That is hardly a turn-off and if you are a red then a lot of men will see it as proof that you really are a redhead. Remember, model-sex is 10 points but a redhead wins the game. A red super-model? You are the king!
That your husband insists you dye your hair seems odd, but we all have different likes and dislikes. But no, the pube color itself are not a turn-off in general.
2. Some do, although shaving has it dis-advantages. Look up brazilian wax. When it grows back, you shave/wax again. No different then anywhere else really.
3. Sex is perverted. If you are in a relationship for a long time doing perverted stuff can spice things up again.
Now why the baldie? One reasoning behind is that the hairs do not get in the way. Cunninglus is not for nothing known as carpet munching.
Another is that it makes the area more sensitive, he can touch all of you, not just the hair. If it means more pleasure for you, then it might be worth the hassle.
By all means try new things, but him making a list just seems, creepy. It sounds like a kid making a list for santa and he will throw a tantrum if he doesn't get his toys. Make sure it ain't all one way.
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A
female
reader, carebear +, writes (21 March 2008):
 Poster sorry I didn't answer your questions1 NO2 Yes they do, they shave it off again lol3 You should decide that not your friend,alough she may think so!
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A
male
reader, Paladin +, writes (21 March 2008):
 First, no pubs should be a turn off, that is just rediculous. Asking you or expecting you to dye your pubs is totally biszarre to me and I am amazed that you did it. Thats a touchy area to be playing with chemicals. Regarding shaving, yes many women do it, especially the younger women. Many women who don't shave will do a very careful trim. I don't think it is perverted at all. Sounds like you are doing everything you can think of to satisfy your partner and I think he should truly appreciate that. If he doesn't then you already know whats next.
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A
female
reader, carebear +, writes (21 March 2008):
Dear poster
I am soo sad you are going through this awful experiance as I have been there. I know you want very badly to save your marrage 21yrs a long time BUT it was not YOUR FAULT your hubby had an affair you didn't make him. secong HE is the one that should be trying to make it up to YOU "scared to ask incase he overreacts"! and lastly HE has given YOU a LIST! please come to your senses, what are you thinking? If these changes were alright by you, you wouldn't be asking on this site obviously they you don't feel comfortable with this, please please stand up for yourself as he will only walk away in the end and blame YOU AGAIN as he is week,selfish and cruel to treat you his wife of 21 yrs like this after his behaviour,some might not agree with me but having been there and done that YES I tryed everything he still walked and you knw what GOOD RIDDANCE in the end, as my selfish ex should have came with a mental health warning!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): You seem to have told us quite a lot of other stuff yet only asked questions on the pubic hair which seems odd, and a little sad, but here goes.1. Everyone has different tastes, so this totally depends on your husband.2.Its itchy like you say (have you done it?) and stubly as it grows back. so you need to shave regularly.3.perverted? each to their own. Its not our view that matters, its yours.Hope this helps
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