A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi All I am confussed about this married guy i have been seeing for 7yrs. no i shoudn't be doing this sort of thing yes i do know it's wrong but you can't help you fall in love with either.I donot expect this man to leave his wife there is no children involved although he does have 2 grown children and 6 grandkids.The think is i am in love with him he is not with me,and over the yrs we have both made many attemps to give this up. neither of us can.4 days is the longest we have gone with no contact.It's not just sex that this is about we get along great together and share all our thoughts and problems with one another love to just cuddle talk and see each other and yes we sometimes have sex also.I have told him many times that i find it hard to understand how he can be committed to his wife yet still wants me to never leave him?the other day when i said thats enough he sends me a txt saying "You must understand that all we can ever have are stolen moments,but arn't they beautiful when we get them,and so worth waiting for" I miss you and i could never go without your kisses and cuddles and all we share together,I don't know what to do? does this man have any love for me even though he says it can never be, or am kidding myself thinking he may love me a little but just will not say so,or is he just being selfish.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): I have almost the same situation, I have been seeing this married man for almost 7 yrs, and I have tried to break up with him, but I am in love with him and it seems he keeps me on this string. I really want to find out if he cares for me sincerely, but I just cant believe him he always say s he cares for me , but I still feel used. I just dont know what to do .. I feel like I just cannt let him go..and he doesnt want me to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): He's selfish and using you for sex. Any man who'd cheat on his wife for 7 years only cares about himself and doesn't even know what love is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): when you are with him, does he ever express "angst" over not being able to be with you? Does he want to be with you but just lacks the strength or courage or whatever to leave his marriage? That is a very different situation from not even wishing or desiring that he could be with you and being perfectly happy with this arrangement.
He could be staying with his wife out of guilt or fear of fallout, doesn't mean he is staying with her because he actually wants to be with her. If that is the case, it's a shame that he doesn't 'man up' and leave his marriage because it is she - not you - who is in the worse position. People say that you get the crumbs while he goes home to her and 'takes care' of her, well.... I would not want to be the woman whose husband is sneaking around behind her back betraying her trust. Contrary to what other people here have said, YOU have the upper hand because you know about the wife but she doesn't know about you. Armed with the knowledge that he has a wife, you are in control of whether to stay with him. You can walk away from him any time, at least in theory. But the wife, having no knowledge of you, she can't make the decision that she doesn't know needs to be made...the poor woman, she is the one to feel sorry for. And he is to blame for doing this to her. So how does he feel about this situation? is he torn between you and his wife and in angst seeking an honest resolution but hasn't reached it yet (even though it's been 7 years, come on!). or is he happy to keep this going the way it is? I think which it is would say a lot about his character
If he seems to be genuinely torn about wanting to be with you for real but is "unable" to leave his wife, if he seems to be messed up as well by this situation, then I would have more sympathy for him and perhaps patience that in time he may 'man up' and leave her yet if he doesn't love her, maybe he needs individual counseling to figure out what is 'right' for him to do whether to stay married or not...(if you don't love your spouse you should not be married to them because staying married while not loving them is harming them in the long run... and having an affair is one example of how this harm is done!!)
or he should 'man up' and leave you which would at least end your angst and limbo rather than stringing you along.
Or is he perfectly happy with this situation of having you on the side while staying 'committed' to her? I would not want to be his wife, thinking he is truly 'committed' just because he comes home every night and spends every public holiday with her but having no idea that he is having a secret relationship with another woman. If he is very comfortable with this arrangement, that means he is comfortable with being a liar and deceiver and has no desire to be any different and thus I would run far away, he is a snake and his primary concern is his own well being, playing other people - you and his wife - to get his needs met.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): your self esteem and belief in yourself must be so low, that you can delude yourself and conveniently ignore that this man is stringing you along for his own sexual needs. Stop being so myopic and deluded about this man. It is a futile casual sexual liaison for you. And a convenient cheap arrangement for him.
Get out and meet new friends, show your spirit is not broken, and develop your life so that you are in charge of your life. On special celebratory public holidays do you get to share the day with him? Can you phone him at home any time? No. Can you ask him to come over on Sunday for a relaxing day and stay the night? Nope, you are on your own then. That is because you are out of sight, out of mind on those days, because he's with his family. When there is something special on in town does he walk up the red carpet with you on opening night? No he and his wife get to celebrate public things, not you and him. When you are not well does he take time off to care for you, no you are on your own. You have to be ready when it suits him. His wife is protected and kept well. You make do with the crumbs. SEVEN whole years thrown away on this smuck. Get him a box of wet strength paper sick bags - he can use these instead of you - when he needs sexual relief. Because that's all you are to him, a convenient receptacle. Lose this guy and create a real life.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 November 2010):
 You are kidding yourself, and he is selfish.
He might have some love for you but surely a lot less than what he has for his wife, his routine and his convenience.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): Who am i to judge? What comes round goes round? U can lose ur life over foolishness! Literally! But n this case youve only loss 7 yrs! I won't ever understand y women degrade themselves and sleep with a married man but I wish you the best and much happiness! Take all these answers to heart! They couldnt have given u better answers because u totally agree with them!
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male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (6 November 2010):
 He's keeping you on the hook... C'mon, you deserve better than this. You don't say how old you are, but surely its gotten to the point where you actually want someone you can have an actual future and a family of your own with?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): You say it's not just about sex, but if he's not in love with you, then what is it about?Please open your eyes a realise that you are just there for his needs to be met, he doesn't care about you, not really. If he had any empathy for you he wouldn't have strung you along for 7 years.Just think about it, you have wasted 7 years on a married man who is not going to leave his wife. He comes to you when he feels like it then drops you to go back to his wife. Do you want to waste another 7 years being miserable, taking any scraps of effection you can get?In those past 7 years you could have met a genuine guy who was SINGLE who actually cared about you but no you've wasted all that time on a cheat who couldn't careless.He's got you right where he wants you. He emotionaly messes with you, as soon as you've tried to end it, although you didn't try hard enough in my opinion, he starts telling you he misses you and you believe him.Don't ever trust a word of somebody who is so willing to cheat on their wife and kids for that matter.You need to stop this nonsense once and for all. No, it won't be easy after 7 years but the longer you keep dragging this out the harder it will be. You are wasting your life clinging on to this married man when you could be out there dating and finding somebody who really cares about you.Do the right thing, tell him it's over then delete his number, hell change your number if you have to.If all this gets out you will be the one who looks worse trust me the woman always does. Then what? You will have a bad reputation and nobody will be interested in dating you.Be brave, you can do it.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (6 November 2010):
I do think you're kidding yourself.
A man in love is totally different to a man who just wants sex. Seriously, if a guy loves you, he will make it known, and he will do pretty much whatever it takes to make it that he can be with you. This idea that he loves you simply isn't so, because all that happens is you come together, have fun, have sex, then he goes home to his wife and that's it. You're the one who's then left alone waiting for him to come back for more. He basically has you right where he wants you, and has done for seven years. He's got one woman cleaning, cooking, looking after the grand-kids. He's got another for the extras.
You need to stop this. For several reasons, apart from the fact that it's just wrong. His children or Grandchildren could find out, in which case you'll look bad. His wife could find out, in which case you'll look bad. Everyone knows that the mistress gets treated with even less respect than the cheating man. There's also the case that basically you're living your life without anyone truly meaningful in it, which is pretty sad considering there are better guys out there who won't lie, use wives and women and make a mockery of those they're supposed to care about.
Everything about this relationship is a huge lie. He offers nothing really. You're probably not even the only woman he's had affairs with. You're just the one who;s stuck around for so long.
Stop the affair, say goodbye and find someone who does love you, and won't just use you as a stop whilst going home to his wife. You're wasting so much time on this guy, and you will be the one who winds up alone when it does eventually go wrong.
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