A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've just four months been married with a wonderful and decent guy. Before I married him, he was a widower with one boy whom raised by the ex-wife. I love him so much and this feeling sometimes inspires me to agree with an idea of separation as long as it can bring him happiness. Yes, I feel that I am unable to make him happy because I have an embarrassing and pitiful pasts. I was promiscuous woman for before I met him. It started with the man I loved who then left me for another woman. I was hurt by him but I chose a very bad strategy to cure my feeling which was not a real solution. I lost myself by sleeping with other four men, once each. Few months before I met my husband, I promised to myself to stop my wrongdoing and started to believe that if I believe and love myself, I would found a right man to get steady and even get married.Then, I met my husband. It was a moment I would remember for my entire life. Hew was very precious to me. I was so happy with the relationship but also so scared of losing him. Day by day I ensure myself to say truthfully to him, but I was so afraid and ashamed. However, we were so heartily connected, thus, after three months dating he asked me whether I have something in disguised that he needed to know. Although I was rather shocked, I took the opportunity of getting him back by telling him my past. He was surprised, angry and dissapointed. He made me mentioned the names of the guys, when and where I did it with them. I answered all his questions and tried to satisfy his curiosities. He said that we had not been really serious in relationship so he could have left me. However, he did not want to be like the others who just 'using' me, and he wanted to build a dream with me although he might need some time to fully accept me. After that moment, we continue our relationships. Nevertheless, time has not proved it can heal the pain yet. I know he needs time, I know we are still in the process of accepting and trusting each other. I just feel it is so complicated. He thought that I accept him, a widower with one boy, because of my not-virgin condition. He thought I treat his past as the compensation of my past. I explained to him that it is not true, and I know how hurt he is because of my past. If I could correct my actions, I would do that in order to make him happy. But I could not.Worse, he started receiving terror via SMS. The sender seems really know about my dark past and my current activities. The sender laughed at him and showed a pity to him. I explicated to him that it is not true and he should trust me. I am loyal to him and I would never betray him for another guy whatsoever. Since then, he has been trying to trust me, and not to not care about the SMS. My husband and I decided to get married because we want to have a new life and try our best to believe in hope. But, the sender keeps sending message telling that I might have other guy at his back. I myself is afraid of the message and feel haunted, I could imagine how devastated he is reading the lying SMS. I tried to analyze who the sender is. Once I called my-ex I suspected, and confronted him, but he said no. I did not any proof to make him confessed. My husband and I are traumatized and frustrated by the message, and even my husband should chew my past from other person he might know. I asked him to change his cellphone number but he rejected my idea since he does not want to lose in 'the game.'Now, he always receives the message once a month. He does not want to show the message to me anymore. That makes him sacrifice himself for me, more and more. This day I found texts in his cellphone. The know the woman, she is his schoolmate, a widow with a daughter. She called my husband : honey, and said I miss you for many times. I was so jealous and without any further considerations, I text her to confess about what she was saying to my husband and asking her to beg my apology. She did not confess -although I read the proof- and refused. My husband found me angry with her in my cellphone. He gently apologizes for his mistake and for hers. He said he is just making friend with her, because he feels empathetic to her: a single mother. No more than that. I was trying to believe him, and I asked him not to communicate with her and if he must go with me if he wants to visit the town where she lives. My husband is angry with my last demand. Yes, I might be losing my trust, since this incident was occurred in the first month of our marriage, with the same woman. He promised not to communicate with her but then he denounced my trust. Knowing my demand, he also demands something from me: tracing who the sender of the terror texts is. I am in chaotic condition. I do not know where I must go to share my difficult problem. I do not know where and how should I found the terrorist. Now I am 2,5 months pregnant. He just confessed that once he was not believe that the baby is his. I just feel pessimistic I can make him happy. I was wrong, I was regretting my deeds at the past. But I could not do any to change it. I tried to analyze who the sender is, but I found that three of them were impossible doing this (all married), one person said no, and I lost contact of the other person. My husband thoughts that I have some stuffs to be fixed with one of them. In my view, I do not have any.I am so ashamed of myself, and I feel so weak since I cannot make him happy. I am thinking about separation, but I have promised to myself whatever it takes I have to retain my marriage. I do not have anything rightly done and passed in my life. My marriage is my precious opportunity. And I still love him. It seems impossible to make him receiving me fully and sincerely because of the traumatizing-terrorizing texts. Meanwhile, it seems also I do not have right to be jealous to him. I feel I am the key of his happiness. He often be easily angry and cynical to me.I feel useless, cheap, and worthless. The strongest reason why I do not asking for a divorce is because of my baby, and my parents although I know that a divorce might make him happy, he would not need to be haunted with my past and bearing the consequences of my wrong deeds.Please, how should I overcome my problem?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): Your situation is not your fault. From the sounds of it your husband is manipulating you. When you described how he questioned your past and asked for each persons name and when and where things happenned, it seems that he is very posessie and considers himself your owner. I suspect that he is behind the terror texts that your describe. Furthermore he is prbably having an affir with this other woman and you are so down on guilt. He makes you feel like he is sacrificing to be with you, that you are not good enough for him, because you are cheap etc, but i can assure you that everyone has a past, everyone has skeletons in their closets, you need to live for the present.
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