A
male
age
41-50,
*irefrost
writes:I have a girlfriend and we have been official for just over a month now. I've known her for 3 years prior to getting involved with her. She is a lovely person, and I'm so glad we are together, but she recently confided in me that she has slept with around 30 men (mostly one night stands - and shes 26 years old.I'm 27 and only had 3 longish term sexual relationships (each 2-3 years long). Therefore i am increasingly worried that i will not be able to satisfy her in the bedroom, due to my lack of experience compared to her. I feel inadequate, and in my mind i think she will be comparing me with each and every one of the other blokes, comparing my body, my penis size etc. She has tried reassuring me that this is not the case and that i have nothing to worry about. We have only had sex once and i was unable to bring her to climax even though i spent a good hour on foreplay first and i really really tried.I'm aware that this figure she's told me is more likely to be double, but its eating at me day and night, and i have made excuses for weeks, just so i don't have to have sex with her again as i don't want to let her down again. I'm not judging her by what happened in her past, but she doesn't see why I'm concerned. I don't want to lose her, so how can i get over this feeling of inadequacy and worry? What would you do? Any help or advice greatly appreciated!
View related questions:
foreplay, her past, my penis, one night stand, penis size Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): You continue to miss the boat. It is not what you are that she will be interested in but in WHO YOU ARE. Personality, character, outlook on life...
I think you need to re-read Aesop's Fables, especially:
http://www.aesopfables.com/cgi/aesop1.cgi?1&TheAntandtheChrysalis
A
male
reader, lionelhutz  +, writes (2 August 2009):
With all due respect I think you are really overthinking this. If the last guy was so perfect and exactly what your lady friend wanted, why would she have stopped seeing him? Does this mean that if the last guy was a multi-millionaire, you'd feel insecure because you couldn't buy a Bentley cash upfront? Or if he was a TV star, you'd feel she wouldn't want you because you don't entertain millions every week?
She wants to be with YOU. Forget her past and enjoy what you have. If not, it's going to eat away at you till you have lost all the enjoyment you had with this woman. Only by then she may have had enough and already walked away.
...............................
A
male
reader, firefrost +, writes (2 August 2009):
firefrost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut whats worrying me most is i found out that her most recent sexual encounter like 2 months ago was with some older guy who is down right rugged good looking and has the body of a greek god, defined abs, pecks, arms etc and i feel like i now have to look at myself and get my body to that level just to keep her truly happy. and that cant be achieved in a week!
...............................
A
male
reader, rom +, writes (2 August 2009):
Look talking fromexperience I can tell you that these 30 other men were probably one night stands that did not have any emotional connection and probably just slept with her without even trying to please her!
When you are in a relationship with someone the whole thing is different. She may not have climaxed but if you spent an hour being attentive to her I am sure she will have had lots of pleasure from it.
And never feel inadequate of previous lovers as she probably hated being with them thats why they are previous.
...............................
A
male
reader, firefrost +, writes (1 August 2009):
firefrost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank you all for your input and advice. I have decided to deal with it in the hope that the 'pain' (for want of a better word) will become easier to deal with in time. In the meantime, i'm still gonna feel inadequate to some degree, as thoughts and images are bound to pop into my head as you can imagine. i'm still nervous to have sex with her again, but i don't want her to feel neglected in any way.
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (1 August 2009):
 Having been in a situation not unlike yours, here's some advice from what I learned:
- Ask her to stop giving you information about her past partners (names, details etc), and resist the temptation to ask her yourself. The more you know, the more it will bother you. There is no point at which you 'know enough to make the problem go away'. It's not that kind of problem. This doesn't mean you shouldn't discuss this: it's good to be open about your feelings, but keep the conversations supportive and positive and avoid the desire to interrogate her (or her desire to 'come clean').
- A woman having a large number of one night stands is most commonly not a sign of sexual confidence but the opposite. As kc100 says below, its most often driven by a desire to be liked and to please, or because someone is not good at saying 'no'. So in terms of your confidence levels towards sex, the two of you are probably in the same boat. Her desire to have sex with you (normal in a relationship) is also probably coming from her desire to please you, and 'keep' you. It's not something to be intimidated by, but rather something to see as a way to become more intimate.
- The emotional side of sex is much more important for a woman than physical aspects. And the emotional side of sex is not separate from the emotional aspects in the relationship as a whole. If you focus on being a loving, honest and 'real' person with her, you'll be the 'best she's ever had'. It's nothing to do with the size of your cock relative to some guy she slept with before. Only guys care about that (which we shouldn't).
- The way to get over this is not straightforward (most of my over 1000 posts on this site are about it). But in essence, you can learn to not think about it. They way to do this is to accept your feelings and emotions, when they happen, but stop yourself thinking about them and going over them again and again in your mind. Rather try to keep your rational mind 'blank'. The emotions will pass soon enough, and if you're not thinking about this, then you'll be back to normal. But if instead you are thinking about it, it will keep the emotions coming up over and over. The sequence is:
External trigger negative emotions thinking about it trigger more negative emotions more thinking about it trigger more negative emotions etc
Instead aim for:
External trigger negative emotions don't think about it negative emotions fade
Over time and with practice this gets easier and easier.
I wanted to comment on something kc100 said below, which I think is very insightful:
"it is pretty easy for a girl to run up a high number these days -we feel sort of pressured into sex soon into a relationship because we think the guy will go off with someone else if he is not getting sex from us. And the more dates a girl goes on, the more she tries to find the right guy the more her number will go up. But it is not a sign of great sex or sexual fulfillment, she will have felt used at times and the sex will not have been great! She will have been wanting an emotional connection with these guys too, she will have wanted the relationship to go somewhere and in all of these cases it didnt"
This is in my experience very true. However it's not reassuring to men suffering from this unfortunately, so I wouldn't advise a woman in this situation saying it.
Part of the mental trap of retroactive jealousy is the feeling that you are 'just another one in a long line of men', and 'nothing special'. That your partner was looking for an emotional connection with each guy leads to the unfortunate conclusion that 'well I'm just the sucker that was willing to have an emotional connection with her'; that she has been consistently undiscriminating and those other guys were smart enough to know this and move on. That 'I've been left with the baggage whilst they got what they wanted and got out'. This is a very difficult thought to escape from once it has trapped you, and it results in you judging your girlfriend to be somehow worth less, which is very toxic for a relationship.
Men like to feel that the woman they are with was 'hard to catch' (we are hunters). So anything that triggers thoughts that she made herself easily available will make retroactive jealousy worse. For this reason, in some ways, it's easier for a guy suffering from this to cope with with a partner who's promiscuity was 'just sex' rather than 'seeking emotional connection' as he can in the latter situation say to himself 'well at least she cares about me, the rest meant nothing'. Counter intuitive I know, but much about jealousy is.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (1 August 2009):
 If the others were so good, she would have stayed with them. She didn't.
Tell me, who is the better man. A girls first or a womans last.
...............................
A
male
reader, lionelhutz +, writes (1 August 2009):
First of all consider that some women don't climax easily, no matter what you do or who they are with. Talk to her during sex to get an idea of what it is she likes. Second, I've been in a somewhat similar situation and I let it ruin what I had with a great woman. So all I can say immediately is: get it out of your head or move on to someone else. She may have had 30 partners, but did she say each one was WELL-endowed and performed like a porn star? Chances are most were but fleeting moments of physical release that she put out of her mind by the next day. You said most were one night stands. You've only had 3 relationships but they were all sexual. Just because she's had more partners doesn't mean she's more experienced than you.The past is the past, this is the present. She wants to be with you right now. Don't you want to be with her? I know it's easier to say something than do it. But you need to put this out of your head and realize that you have a great woman who wants to be with you. Enjoy it!Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2009): It's retroactive jealousy. You have lived your life with one set of values about sex but she has valued it a very different way. The unfortunate thing is that when you are struggling with an issue like this, it usually never really stops bothering you. That's the ugly truth. So if it bothers you now, then I think you should consider very carefully whether you can continue to deal with this stuff for the duration of the relationship. It's not fair to either one of you if you end up very attached to her but also unable to get past this issue. If you decide to stay with her then do it for the right reasons. Do it because you are able to truly put the issue to rest, not just because it doesn't feel like a legitimate reason to break up.
...............................
A
male
reader, firefrost +, writes (1 August 2009):
firefrost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the replies everyone. It's not like i expected her to be a virgin, i knew she had had a few boyfriends, but did not know about the 30+? one night stands.
I have already talked to her about it, she knows exactly how i feel, but does not know where i'm coming from. She has mentioned some names, and i know some of these people, and i know they are much fitter and better looking than me - I just don't want to mess this up and it ending up with her going back to one night stands, or even her f**k buddies.
If you haven't guessed yet, i'm very self conscious, and her happiness and sexual satisfaction are paramount to me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2009): She's been trying to initiate sex for weeks, and you keep inventing excuses to not have sex, cause you're worried about not satisfying her?
She must have enjoyed your previous encounter to some extent if she wants to go again. Is it the case that, deep down, you just don't want to?
If you DO want to, which I think you do, relax and try again. She sounds very nice, gives you reassurance, wants to help. Be a shame to blow this one out just because her 'previous' intimidates you. Work on it!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2009): The other thing is that sex to most women is not just about how many positions you know and what little tricks you might know. It is about caring and affection. I was my wife's 12th partner and she was my 2nd. I was much less experienced than most or all of them. She says that what made me different was the affection that I showed and the caring that I showed and how I treated her on our first date. I was the first guy who didn't make any attempt to get her into bed on the first date and didn't just take her out for drinks to make it easier to get her into bed. She broke up with her current boyfriend the night after our first date and we hadn't even had sex yet.
She told me later that I was the only one who seemed to care more about her enjoyment of sex than my own and did what was necessary to make sure she always had at least one orgasm. that was more important to her than a guy who knew 20 different positions, but who didn't much care about her enjoying the sex most of the time. That is what matters.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2009): If she had 30 one night stands then she probably spent most of them on her back and got little experience in lovemaking. You probably got more useful experience from your 3 relationships than she did from her one night stands. I don't know about most people, but my wife and I have both learned much more from relationships that lasted at least 10 nights in bed with one partner. The guys who she had one night stands with and even those who she had sex with 3 or 4 times were not learning experiences. Either was my one night stand. I learned much more with the other 3 women who I have slept with. Think about what you learned the first night with any of your 3 partners.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 August 2009):
 If she told you 30 then the chances are thats the truth - if women are going to lie about it then they will always go for a number under 20! Sounds less scary to guys that way! So I really dont think she has slept with 60 guys, that would take some doing!
I am in a similar situation (ish) to your girlfriend - I have slept with 20 guys (thats the truth I promise) and I'm only 22. Its a lot and it worries me sometimes but it cant be changed now lol! only 7 were with guys I was in a real serious relationship with. The others were not 1 night stands but guys I was "seeing" or something like that. The reality is that I used sex in the vain hope that they would stick around because I was giving them what they wanted, but that is so not the case. They would see me for a couple of weeks and then get bored, and I was left feeling used and like a bit of an idiot.
So what I'm trying to say is that it is pretty easy for a girl to run up a high number these days -we feel sort of pressured into sex soon into a relationship because we think the guy will go off with someone else if he is not getting sex from us. And the more dates a girl goes on, the more she tries to find the right guy the more her number will go up. But it is not a sign of great sex or sexual fulfillment, she will have felt used at times and the sex will not have been great!
She will have been wanting an emotional connection with these guys too, she will have wanted the relationship to go somewhere and in all of these cases it didnt. So even if the guy was really well endowed or brilliant in bed, it would never compare to having a guy in bed with her who she really cares about and knows he cares about her too.
Forget about her number, forget about these other guys. Sex with you will be more amazing than any of the others because you both have strong feelings for each other. One thing that might be of comfort to you - I can never orgasm with a new boyfriend until about 2-3 months into it! Dont know why, I guess it is something to do with being comfortable enough with that guy who I am sleeping with! So experience doesnt count for anything really - it is all about intimacy and the feelings you share.
You have to learn about each other's bodies and get to know what you like/dont like in the bedroom. If your feeling brave one night while you are in bed together ask her what she likes, or ask to watch her masturbate so you can see how she makes herself orgasm. Or she could guide your hand when you try, it just takes some communication and guts to actually talk about sex!
The first time a couple sleeps together is not always brilliant, and like the old saying "if you fall off the horse get straight back on again" - you just need to put your fear aside and try again! The longer you leave it the more of a big deal it will become in your head and you will make things worse! This pressure you are putting on yourself to compare is not healthy, it will make the sex worse for both of you! So be confident with who you are, and take great pride in that you are offering her something new in the bedroom - an emotional connection. The sex will get better in time, just put your worries to one side and get back on that horse!
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Knight_in_White_Satin +, writes (31 July 2009):
 Just because she's had 30 different men and you have only have 3 relationships doesn't mean that you are unexperienced compared to her, you can see it as you having had the time to hone your technique for each woman so you know what the signs are for when they like something.
Don't be put out just because you couldn't make her orgasm first time round, there could be a whole host of reasons, the LEAST of which could involve the size of your penis, but even if it were that there are many other ways to bring her to orgasm, and many a website with the how to.
Instead of worrying about satisfying her sexually think about what you're doing to her emotionally, that you have been avoiding having sex with her may be making her think that she wasn't good enough for you and you just don't want to hurt her feelings. A blow to her ego. Or even worse she may think that you're avoiding having sex because you're uncomfortable with her history.
Overall you need to talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel. Knight xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Good Girl +, writes (31 July 2009):
 You really have impacted my opinion of men! Thank you! You must try as hard as you can to put this information out of your mind. While it was nice of her to be honest? with you she probably didn't realize that she would impact your performance with this info. The brain is a person's biggest sex organ. If somethins wrong up there it can ruin everything! You need to lift your self up on a pedestal and imagine yourself as a sex god. Visualize yourself making her scream with pleasure, imagine all of your fantasies coming true. Make sure you are enjoying yourself because her pleasure will increase when she sees you are pleased. pay attention to different parts of her body and watch for her signals that you are doing right or wrong. Tell her to be vocal, tell her what you like and let her take over sometimes. Any sex between new partners is a chance to discover each other. Think of your feelings for her let those feelings act naturally upon you. Get yourself totally aroused and into the moment, focusing only on her and you and how good it will feel and leave the world and the past far behind! Have fun and never change.
...............................
A
female
reader, elliebellie +, writes (31 July 2009):
Hi there. First of all i think most of the worry is on your part and it seems like its completely unnecessary. Make yourself feel better to start with. Compare her 30 one night stands with your 3 stead and long term relationships- surely you are the one with more experience when it comes to relationships. There are 2 types of sex- love and loveless. It may seem harsh but the majority of her sex has probably been loveless if they are one night stands. By telling you about her past you have learnt two things. #1 she wants you to trust her and has opened up which is a good thing #2 she loves you enough that she has confided in you. It seems like you are very enthusiastic and she can probably see that so dont think shell be comparing you! you asked what we would do. if my boyfriend told me that, i would firstly ask him why he wanted to tell me, then i would thank him for being honest. you need to get over this feeling of inadequacy by getting her to make you feel good and you should stop worrying!
anyway i hope this helps
if you want to talk about it more then feel free to mail me
ellie
...............................
|
