A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am the same poster who wrote this:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-kniow-she-is-bad-for-me-but.htmlI have actually broken off contact with her for several weeks now. For those who need background, it was a girl who I knew for a year who I realized was bad for me. She tries to contact me but I do not answer. I do not even open her messages.The problem is, instead of seeking support among friends, I have become withdrawn. Not only do I want to avoid her, I don't want to talk to anyone and just want to be alone.I feel sad, but I am not sure if I am depressed. Is this normal? Should it be a source of concern?? Thanks.
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male
reader, shawncaff  +, writes (14 February 2011):
 @Anonymous--it is a good idea to use this time for myself. It is just I have become so withdrawn I don't want to have contact with the world just yet. Just kind of want to do simple tasks. But thanks for the message about taking some time for myself.
@Welsh--I would like to escape to another country! But unfortunately my job wouldn't allow that. I have been exercising, though. It is a great source of relief and release. Thanks.
A
male
reader, welsh +, writes (13 February 2011):
Also, do things that would help you. I find 2 hours at the gym with music really helpful. And am using this period to keep myself fit and I feel pretty good at the end of the gym session. If you enjoy running, I would highly recommend that. Sweating is a really good therapy.
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A
male
reader, welsh +, writes (13 February 2011):
I am doing the same as what you have mentioned. I have blocked her completely and do not answer her calls/emails. I decided to move onto a different country for a bit about which I had no clue so that I am busy with survival etc on my mind and keep myself busy. I have withdrawn myself from the rest of the people I knew as well, no one knows where I am but a few close friends/family. It is really tough but we have to get through it and at this moment, solitude seems to be the best option for me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Abella, thank you so much for your insightful and long answer to my post. I always thought grief was too harsh a word for what I am going through...but it might be true. I spoke to this girl almost every day for all of last year, she was in my thoughts constantly, I gave so much to her materially...so maybe my separation from her is a sort of grieving.
@blonde68, thank you also so much for your reply. As for ignoring and not opening texts and emails, to be honest, that is not the hard part for some reason. I began doing that several months ago to begin to wean myself away from her. I guess I do need time and I guess I will have to push myself to see friends.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 February 2011):
 You have been through a very traumatic experience. No matter who ends a relationship it can cause great hurt in one or both parties to the ending of the relationship.
The relationship ended. It is a loss of a relationship. No matter who did or did not want to end the relationship.
Animals, when they are hurting, often go away to 'lick their wounds'
Humans are no different, and often find solace in being alone, to heal their heart. And are not yet ready, until they decide, to come back at their normal 'full speed ahead' level until they start to feel better.
Although staying inside and out of sunlight can make things worse. So going for walks outside can be very beneficial rather than staying behind closed doors too much.
But often people feeling grief do want and need a little privacy and silence until they do feel better.
The feelings of loss, whatever that loss, are the feelings of grief. And very understandable in the circumstances. Part of grief at the beginning is disbelief. Progress that on and another stage can be anger. I'm not naming all the stages, they last different lengths of time, depending on the issues and the person. Intertwined within that can be a need for privacy. And not feel like doing things you used to enjoy, nor see some people you would normally see. And sometimes grief can bring depression. If you feel depressed you should speak to your Doctor as it is a serious, but also treatable condition.
When things start to improve then you will move towards a state of acceptance. And move on from your grief.
People often associate grief with a loved one passing away. But grief can result in losing a job you loved, or losing a friend as they moved away, or losing 'face' when you feel humiliated by events or people's actions, losing reputation in a community.
Some people, knowing a loved one is very very ill and likely to die very soon, will start to experience grief even before the loved one passes away. This can take the form of family refusing to believe death is inevitable, and want to go totally overboard about keeping a loved one alive. People understand this can happen, which is why they often put a legal medical advanced direction in place to stop being kept alive beyond the point of no return.
After you have started to feel a little more settled you can set about doing some enjoyable things, one step at a time, as you reconnect with the world, at your own pace, and start to see again all the wonderful things in this world. It does get better, believe me. Best Wishes
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): I think it is called a time for reflection and is quite normal. Most people become a little introverted and don't want to mix much or go out after a break up. Entirely normal and you will go back to wanting to go out with your friends again in time. This period of time is different for everyone. Use this time to think about what you really want in a partner and spoil and indulge yourself a little. Whwen this happened to me I began reading again a lot and bought books that I had always wanted. Eventually really due to the need to go to work I started to socialise again but I found it took me truthfully about 2 years to be back to 'normal'. Don't let anyone push you into anything if you are not yet ready. Just look after yourself and put yourself and your needs first for a while.
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A
female
reader, Blonde68  +, writes (13 February 2011):
I suggest you block her completely from your phone and emails etc... because no doubt just as you are starting to feel a little better and move on, you get a message and then the feelings start rushing back. I know you say you don't read the messages (which I take my hat off to you for, because it takes a lot of willpower) but just seeing her name pop up on your phone is enough to set you off again.
I was a little like you too, in that, instead of seeking support from friends, I would tend to block them out, including family. However, I have actually learnt that it wasn't good for me, and when I did decide to meet up with friends, I felt loads better for it. I therefore, suggest you do the same... fill your time going out, meeting up with friends, doing a hobby that you enjoy.. this will prevent any further saddness.
Unfortunately time is the only healer, but I assure you, you will get through this... I am living proof!
Now go and give one of your friends a call and meet up with them.... you will be glad you did! Good luck x
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