A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone. I guess I'm not really sure what I hope to accomplish with this. Partially just wanting to get it off my chest and partially hoping to find some good advice that I haven't seen elsewhere. I've searched the net a bit and haven't seen what I've been looking for. I don't know who else to talk to about this. It's not really something that guys talk to their friends or family about. None the less it's really been getting me down lately. I know it's not good to let one aspect of your life affect you so much, but I can't help the way that I feel about it. So here goes.I've finally reached the midpoint of my twenties and have never had a girlfriend or anything even close to the sort. I can't say that I've ever been on a single date. I honestly feel ashamed of my lack of experience. It's like some dark secret that I have to hide from the rest of the world.I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm getting mixed messages. On one hand I hear that I'm a great guy, good looking, and that I would be a great catch for someone. I'm in good physical shape, have a good sense of humor, and have a two year degree right now but will be going back to finish my bachelors when school starts in the fall. I know I'm getting a late start on school, but I've spent the last four years in the military. On the other hand, girls just don't seem to be interested in me. I make friends easily but have never been seen as a possibility for anything more than that. I can't help but feel undesirable because of it.It seems so easy for everyone else, why is this so difficult for me? My friends are all getting married to their significant others and I'm still no closer to finding a girlfriend than I was ten years ago. I've always been able to set out and accomplish my goals or at least feel like I was making progress on my long term plans in life except for this. I feel like I've failed at this portion of my life. Of course I'm happy for my friends that they have been able to find love in their lives, but I want to experience it too. Don't take this the wrong way. I'm not wanting this because everyone else I know has a significant other and I'm not just looking for sex (Not that I don't want it mind you). I want to experience the closeness that is a romantic relationship.Advice such as "just go out more", "Just be confident", and words of consolation aren't what I'm looking for here. I'm in search of solid advice on how to fix this problem. I hate when people say that they respect you not looking to get involved with just anyone for the sake of just having a girlfriend. While that may be a respectable attribute of me, it just strikes a nerve as my inexperience had not been by my own choosing. I wish it were as simple as taking the advice of "Be happy being single", but it's not. I want companionship in my life. I at least used to be content with my singleness. There was a point where I could honestly say that I really wasn't looking, but if something came along I would be open to it. I can't say I feel that way anymore. I may be able to wake up every morning and put on a happy face for the rest of the world to see, but these feelings are torturing me on the inside. I've heard people say that "relationships and sex really aren't all that they are cracked up to be" but that isn't quite the same as saying "aren't enjoyable" This usually comes from someone who has no shortage of either. Kind of like telling someone who is drowning that air "really isn't quite what it's cracked up to be."I don't want to go out and join something I have no interest in just for the prospect of meeting girls. I can tell you from firsthand experience that this doesn't work. It's disappointing when nothing comes of it and overall you don't end up enjoying yourself.I want to gain confidence with this, believe me I do, but it isn't just something you can flip on like a switch and say you have. In my opinion confidence comes from previous successful experiences in a given subject. Of which I have none in this case.I wish I were able to figure this out on my own as everyone else I know seems to have done. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. This has really been plaguing my mind lately. Any advice would be appreciated.
View related questions:
confidence, gain confidence, military, mixed messages, never had a girlfriend, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Greasy  +, writes (13 June 2011):
Hello, I thought I'd chime in.
I agree with Spinnaker that, despite your opinion of joining things, seeking out groups of people who hold similar (or at least common) interests is a good idea. I'd add to this an important caveat, though - and this is going to sound frustratingly contradictory - meeting women cannot be your primary motivation for joining any group or activity. Not only will your underlying motives be transparent to everyone involved, & women may therefore avoid you (due to the "creepy guy" factor), but you're also unlikely to enjoy whatever the activity is. Nobody wins.
Insofar as being "out there" involves, by definition, going out and interacting with people, what you need to do is find the right means of being "out there". That is, do something you'd do even if you were the last person on earth - something you enjoy purely for its own sake. Here's the rationale behind this:
- Something you enjoy for its own sake is likely something you're good at, or at the very least confident when doing;
- Confidence is attractive. If you're confidently doing something you enjoy for its own sake, people will be drawn to you;
- More people being drawn to you means more ladies being drawn to you, which means more opportunities to find someone who you're interested in, and who's interested in you.
The next problem is capitalizing on those opportunities and acting in a way that signals you're more-than-friendly interest in them. Spinnaker makes a really good point about avoiding being too friendly - many women treat friends/co-workers and potential mates as two entirely separate groups. I suspect your natural tendency is to be as genuinely helpful and supportive as possible to those you care about - from friends and family to your community to potential girlfriends. All of that's fantastic - except for getting into potential girlfriends' "potential mates" group. For this, a different set of behaviours is needed, initially at least, to signal that you're not interested in friendship but romance. If it sounds like I've given this a lot of thought, that's because - well - I'm pretty much in the same boat as you as far as naturally tending towards the 'Friend' category as opposed to the 'mate' one. That said, here's a possible list of things you can do to begin to change your normal pattern of behaviour. Note that I'm writing these tips as much for myself as for you, so apologies in advance if this gets even longer:
1) Notice you current pattern(s) of behaviour
Knowing what to change depends on knowing what you currently do whenever a nice lady comes within close proximity to you. How do you react? What signals do you (or don't you) send out? Next time you're at the grocery store, make a point to recall in as much detail as possible what you did when you passed a nice looking lady. Note things like eye contact, facial expression, posture, whether or not anything was said, general appearance, and anything and everything else you can notice about what you did. Write it down like you were doing a science experiment. Do this for a couple of weeks until you have enough notes to distill a pattern. Since people are creatures of habit, we're not accustomed to being consciously aware of what we're doing in otherwise mundane situations. That's why people often can't remember their commute, for instance. Very likely, your behaviour around women is unconscious - what you want to do here is become aware of it and then document it.
2) Cognitive behaviour modification
There's a type of psychological treatment used for conditions involving fossilized behaviour or thought patterns that enables people to actively change those thought patterns/behaviours over time. While the name of it's "cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)," here's the gist of it. Let's say your first reaction to a lady walking by is to avoid eye contact. CBT says to first notice that you're doing it, then consciously adopt a different activity (or thought) to do upon noticing it. By making the activity/thought explicit (i.e. "cognizing" it), and then consciously interrupting the problematic chain of thought/activity, you acheive two things. 1) You undermine the problematic pattern, and 2) You create a new desirable pattern in its place. In your case, the behaviours you might consider applying CBT to will be those that you observe while, well, observing your behaviour.
A proviso about CBT is that you should make the replacement behaviours consistent and specific. That is, if your replacement for avoiding eye contact is smiling and making jazz hands [that's an exaggeration - don't do jazz hands as a replacement behaviour for anything], then be sure to always do that and just that (with the next lady that comes along if the one you avoided has already passed). CBT only works if it's practiced, and done consistently over a fairly long period of time. Also, don't try to change a whole whack of stuff at one time. Focus on only as many things at one time as you feel comfortable with.
3) Other stuff to try
This in a non-exhaustive list, but: a) Randomly complement at least one person per day ("You look great" - then just keep walkin'). This builds confidence at the same time as it allows you to get accustomed to interacting with women as an interested male as opposed to a caring friend. It'll also make their day; b) When talking to someone, listen, and then ask questions. People of all genders appreciate the opportunity to talk about themselves, and if you become used to asking people things, you'll eventually become comfortable risking an innuendo-laden question or two. These will signal that you're not just interested in being friends while at the same time it avoids the situation spinnaker mentioned about randomly asking for a phone number. Everybody wins.
- Here's where the plan comes together -
I think your best odds rest in applying the above Tips (1)-(3), when you're ready, at the place where you do whatever it is you do for its own sake. Depending on the nature of that activity, there may be few or many opportunities - but that's beside the point. Combine the results of having reflected on your usual way of approaching/talking to women with an environment/activity through which they can see your underlying confident self doing something you enjoy for its own sake, then it's really just a matter of time before you find yourself w/a girlfriend.
Well that all was really succinct, wasn't it? Sorry for the length, but I was aiming to deliver some concrete things that you could try out. Here's hoping it works out, & thanks for your question!
A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (13 June 2011):
 Try online dating! It helped me get over confidence barriers of all sorts and let me easily contact people I might have never met. Plus, many people on dating sites are actively looking for a serious relationship or to try to begin one! You aren't alone!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): Have you ever simply just asked a girl out?If you have and she said no - so what - just wait and ask another and another - practice makes perfect and even a few dates with somebody nice will build confidence - be laid back,casual - its much more appealing Ime single and for years I was ok with that - but like you I now want somebody to share my life but have totally forgotten how to flirt or know if some guys flirting with me (ime told)- so am learning all over again to watch for signals that somebodys interested and to flirt backYour young and male so ide bet money you'll be dating like a pro before you know it, its not an assignment, its just doing what comes naturally
...............................
A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (13 June 2011):
 There is no easy or sure fire way to get out there. The best way to find someone is to join some kind of group or other activity where people of similar interests meet.
If you meet a lady and you both have a common denominator that makes the ice a little easier to break.
Confidence comes in your view of yourself. If you feel yourself somehow inferior or diffident you will not sieze the opportunities that could lead to success. Moreover, people learn more from failure than from success and the more you fail the easier of a time you have bouncing back.
Ladies like to be wooed and courted - even though some refuse to admit that. Many guys go right for the throat and ask for a number or express interest. Women smell this from miles away and usually have a guard up or (even worse) make it a special point to make an example out of a guy's ham-handed approach.
You make friends easily and that is an important thing. Just be sure to establish boundaries. If you are too much of a friend - thats about all you are going to be. Women usually don't fall for their best friends so you may wish to be slightly more elusive when people come running to you with their problems.
These are just some suggestions that might give you a litte insight. keep us all informed.
Most importantly thank you for your military service.
...............................
|
