A
female
age
51-59,
*erysadindeed
writes:My husband and I have been married for 18 years. I know he had one partner before we married and I had also. The other night after a drink he asked me my sexual fantasy. I gave some chicky answer....on a beach or somehting. His was....Since I am turning 40 this year I want to have a threesome. That way I can see if it is different. I was immedicately disgusted. We have built a family, children a life. I am not willing to let another woman touch my husband and I have found no man attractive since meeting him. I am so devistated I cannot even look at him. This has never in our 20 year relationship come up and I have no reason to think he has ever been unfaithful to me. Is this the beginning of the end of our life together?
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female
reader, Swt Txn +, writes (9 August 2009):
I don't think that I would feel so extreme, disgusted? I mean, happily married or not, I would think that all have fantasies of sexual acts that are just that...fantasies.. We are all human and have thoughts. 18 years together, how fantastic that you 2 have been monogomous for so long. & that speaks again, that his fantasy is just that... a vivid sexual thought.
I know it's pretty upsetting, but don't dote on that, rather the positive relationship & closeness that you two share along w/your child. Don't let the hurt of a "thought/fantasy" ruin what you 2 have built.. GL
A
female
reader, Against Porn +, writes (9 August 2009):
Too many people accept sexual perversions as normal these days. I would venture to say that since your husband has brought having a threesome up to you, he would most likely go through with one if you agreed, he would find a way to make it happen. And even if you disagree, if he doesn't get his fantasy under control and rebuke it, he may find a way to make it happen with out you involved. The more a person gives into fantasy and loses touch with his wife, the more perverted they get (women too). If you are a praying person, I would ask God for help. If you are not a praying person, I would start. Because, as far as I am concerned and the Bible, he is committing adultry in his heart, to fantasize about another woman. Here's praying for you to get this all worked out in a way that doesn't compromise your values.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): I whole-heartedly agree with the previous answer. His fantasy does not mean it is the beginning of the end. A fantasy does not mean that he would carry it out at this point in his life. Its just fantasy. My husband of 24 years had the same fantasy and I never saw it as a threat to me. Obviously I never allowed him to fullfill his fantasy. I myself have had many outrageous fantasies that I would never act on. Fantasies are fun because indulging in them can spice up our sex life while at the same time we remain safe. Be very glad that he is comfortable enough to share his fantasies with you. Also, you may consider a little role playing with him to spice things up a bit. Don't take fantasy so serious. Allow yourself and him to have fun with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): I don't think this is the beginning of the end of your life together. Men are very different from women and most of them have this specific fantasy of doing a threesome but there is nothing to worry about. You should not be feeling threatened by this. He is being very open to you and trying to communicate with you. After so many years of marriage he may just want to add some "spice" to your love/sex life and he is being very honest. I think he is doing it a lot better than other guys that are afraid to tell their fantasies to their wives and end up cheatting on them just for curiosity.
Try to talk to him more about it and find out if he just wants to spice things up or is really feeling attracted to someone.
Communication is the key.
Good luck and please feel happy that your husband is trusting you to share with you such intimate fantasies. Not all of them do that.
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): If you don't wanna go through with a threesome then by all means, don't do it. You have EVERY right to not want to do it at all.
But the problem you are having with this seems to run much deeper.
You said, "I have found no other man attractive since meeting him." I think this is a key point.
What is "finding someone attractive?" Does that only happen to someone that you eventually want to sleep with? Maybe it does to you, but not for most of us. Most of us have fantasized at one time or another about someone else that we would never want to actually sleep with in reality. I don't care if it's a movie star or what, we've all done it. Our commitment contains itself to one person at a time, but raw attraction does not.
Your husband is capable of feeling raw attraction to someone other than you. It's reality and I don't think it makes him less in love with you than you have been with him. You certainly don't owe him any threesomes you don't want to do, but I think you have to extend him the acceptance of his fantasies. They're pretty normal for even the most committed person to have. Man or woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): I would feel upset - its as if he has secretly had this thoughts for years and 'now he's 40' (as if thats a watershed these days - huh) its time for him to consider it. I think he opened his mouth before thinking about how much it could hurt you. You need to be clear that if he wants this fulfilling he needs to get out the marriage because its not something you are prepared to do. However you respect his fantasy as long as it is just that. I think you need to explain to him how much his fantasy has disturbed you and why - in that sharing him with another person physically is way beyond what you consider ok. Ask him straight up - "are you satisfied with our sex life and is there anyway we can be more fulfilled just the two of us?" You should NOT be made to feel bad because you are not up for a threesome. They are bad news in the main and often lead to hurt that cannot be undone.
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A
female
reader, Share Bear  +, writes (5 August 2009):
 Aww, as logical as these other answers are, I totally understand why you're hurt by this.
I'm thinking that so long as you definitely don't let him actually go through with this and get anyone else involved, and so long as he doesn't suggest anyone (even famous) in particular however, then you can limit the hurt you feel about this.
Tell him exactly what you told us- that's there's absolutely No Way you'd ever let him do this and that you'd be devastated to even hear that there was anyone else he'd let in the bed. And bolster his ego by telling him how you could never want anyone but him.
However, you could then tell him that it could be incredibly sexy for him if he only he could experience 'two you’s'... describe what you could do for him (at the same time) if there were two of you, go into details about fantasy positions and feelings and views etc, etc. You could treat this solely as an erotic verbal fantasy shared between you about sexual positions and behaviours- letting him believe that he has the two of you at his beck and call. Let his imagination run away with him as he listens to you describe what you could do; building up this fantasy between you, and doing at least half of what you're suggesting to him as you do.
I hope this could help you to share this fantasy between you in such a way that makes you both feel adored. -He wants two of you; imagine what you could do with two of him! (-Just before he takes you on that beach holiday!)
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (5 August 2009):
 #1 guy fantasy of all time: two chicks, one him. So typical and normal, it's unbelievable. It is no reflection of his commitment or love of you, he loves you to bits and pieces but can't help his love for boobs. And the more boobs, the better.
Now, that doesn't mean I think you should force yourself to participate! While it's a normal fantasy, it's also normal for an actual threesome to blow up in your face. So I definitely think if you feel this way, do NOT go ahead and have one anyway, despite your feelings. If you feel kind of iffy and crappy about this now, during the act and afterwords, you'll be a wreck. So be creative and think of other fun, spicy things to do. You can switch it up and be a little freaky for an evening or two, but you don't necessarily have to have a threesome. Especially not if it's just to make him happy. That story always ends badly.
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/why-does-my-guy-want-a-threesome
Perhaps Cosmo can offer some insight too...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): it is his fantasy but please tell him nicely, that that is not going to come true for him.
also tell him he can f*ck any which way he wants, after all you are an adult, you love him, you want to make it exciting for him - but that is where it ends.
don't get angry- just sickly sweet tell him that that aint happening. tell him the f*cking is only bet the two of you. 40 or not, this fantasy will remain just that
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A
female
reader, verysadindeed +, writes (5 August 2009):
verysadindeed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUncle Phil...we would want a woman. He said to be able to say "Yep your doing it better" Thanks for the comments. It hurts I suposed because I adore him and just hope after all these years he does the same.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): There is absolutely no reason that this should be what ends your relationship. Surely you've had bigger downfalls than this and worked through them? I understand you're upset: you've not been attracted to another man and here is is fantasizing about having another woman. But that's just what it is.. a fantasy. As long as he never does it.. you would never allow another woman to touch him, so don't. This doesn't have to be the end of 20 years! This can't take away all of your love for him can it? I suggest you sit and have a nice long talk with him about this. I doubt that he has a specific woman in mind. It's probably just the idea of having dual stimulation. Have you never thought of having two things done to you at once that one man could not acheive? Never? I've thought about threesomes before, and while the thought kind of turnes me on, I would never ever want to and I would never engage in one. these are harmless thoughts in my head that will never be released, and neither will your husband's, if you don't want them to be. Try to remember why you love him. ~Sy.
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A
female
reader, verysadindeed +, writes (5 August 2009):
verysadindeed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have just been incredibly sad. He is all I ever want. I adore him. The thought of him wanting something other than me is devistating. Thank you for your advice!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): Relax. It's his fantasy - like mine is to find myself in bed with Girls Aloud and our local barmaid all at once and manage to satisfy the lot of them AND have them all begging for more. It's not going to happen.
As long as it remains a fantasy there's no harm in it. Most people have fantasies. Fantasies can make life just that little bit more interesting. Because he fantasises about having a threesome doesn't mean he actually wants one. Did he say whether he wants an extra male or an extra female? Could be interesting if you think about it . . . . !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): it's a FANTASY! Like anyone, we ALL have secret fantasies usually which we mostly keep as such. He was testing the water - gauging your reaction. I am so sure that if you had said you'd agree, he'd have immediately come up with excuses why you both shouldn't! He then would have started questioning the relationship. Please try not living up to your moniker?
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A
female
reader, Calamity Jay +, writes (5 August 2009):
It's not the beginning of the end at all, I personally think you may be looking too much into it. Fantasies are just that....something you think about but would probably never end up doing. Fantasy doesn't mean reality. :)
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