A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My GF initiated a 'break' five days ago.She insists she loves me and sees a future with me but has lost her sense of identity during our 2+ year relationship and thinks a 'break' is the only thing to do to regain her sense of self and save our relationship.However, she would not agree to put a time frame on the 'break', nor would she promise to be faithful during the 'break'. She insists she does not want to see other people, but says she can't feel like there are conditions, no matter what they are. She said if I asked her not to eat hot dogs during the break, she would not agree to it, because she needs to feel totally independent and not controlled during the separation.SO MY FIRST QUESTION: Is this really a 'break'? Or is this essentially a 'break up'? -----Also, she wants NO CONTACT. It's been five days, and prior to the official break another five days of only light texting (so in the past ten days we only talked during the 24 hours we were together when she told me she wanted the break). MY SECOND QUESTION: How long should NO CONTACT, or a 'break', last? It's killing me not to talk to her, and not knowing where we stand. At what point should I realize she doesn't miss me? My thought right now is about two weeks. If after two weeks she hasn't contacted me, I will assume she does not miss me and that the 'break' will become a 'break up'. Do you agree? Or is two weeks too short a time? Basically, how long can a person go without talking to a person they claim to love? Thanks for the advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is, regarding the time frame, she just doesn't know. If the point of this is, as she says, to find self happiness, happiness that doesn't depend on someone else (me), how could anyone truly know how long that would take? We live together, and it's easier for me to leave so I did, and said I'll give you two weeks in the apartment and then we can reassess and figure out when I can use the apartment and she can leave for a while.And the thing about breaks, a lot of you disagree, but the vast majority of couples I know, who are in their twenties, in long term relationships with the people they will likely marry, all went on breaks at some point of various lengths. A handful of the women slept or hooked up with other men (all the guys I know remained faithful). I think it's impossible for anyone to say breaks never work, or that my girlfriend is doing this to see if the grass is greener. I think it solely depends on the individuals involved, therefore different for everybody. I'm surprised to hear so many of you say without hesitation that this is doomed or dead.Isn't it totally possible a confused and sad twenty five year old girl truly just wants to be happy again? Isn't it possible her unhappiness has nothing to do with me or us? Isn't it possible that a separation, in her mind, at the moment, is the only available option?I appreciate the advice. It is overwhelming not what I want to hear, and you all could be very likely right. I'm still holding out on hope, and willing to wait a little longer. It's only been just over four full days since the official 'break'. It's not too late yet. I'll see if I hear from her this weekend, when she is not distracted with work. I'll see how the next weeks goes. If by the end of the next week I don't hear from her, I think that will be my sign to initiate a conversation for an update of where she is at, and if she cannot convince me the break has been positive and moving in the direction of us getting back together, it will be time for ME to call this a break up, and begin the mourning and healing process. Thanks for the help.
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (24 August 2012):
 Honestly I would say the fact that she was crying and carrying on so much before you left kinda sounds like she is considering it more than a short break... Not seeing someone for 2 weeks to clear your head shouldn't cause such distress. I also don't like that she wouldn't agree to remain faithful. I do not think she will be out slutting around. She sounds like a decent girl who doesn't indulge in that type of thing. BUT I do think she wants to see what's out there... not to have sex with but to talk to and possibly date. I agree with k_c that she is seeing if the grass is greener on the other side. And if after dating a bit she isn't happy then she can try to come back to you on the terms that it was a break.
I find it incredibly selfish. She wants to be alone to do what she wants because she is not sure about the relationship anymore. That's it. I agree that in a mature relationship you work on issues together. I have never heard of anyone who took a break in their 20's, and I'm from the US so it isn't a US thing k_c, lol. I would send a text saying you aren't happy to be on a break and it isn't what you want at all, you want to work it out together as a couple because that's what mature adults in real relationships do. If she still responds that she needs to be alone or doesn't respond at all I think that is your answer, she is seriously broken up. And you cry and you mourn and you move on. I can't believe she would put you through such a limbo, it is incedibly hurtful. Often worse than just ending it like an adult because you are hoping there is still a chance but not sure if there is, so it is dragged out forever until you realize it was over that whole time. Don't let your girlfriend walk all over you and sit at home crying while she is out deciding if this is what she wants. You find that out together or you aren't fit to be together at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): Hey, I am gonna write from my own experience so i really hope this helps. I have been in a relationship for 2 years now and about one n a half years into it, I suddenly started feeling suffocated. I had no me time. I was stressed over family issues. My health was down. The problems seemed endless. I knew i still loved my guy but i wasn't happy. And that was affecting both of us. I couldn't take care of him. So after one really bad breakdown, my guy gave me a break from our relationship. He realized i needed it. And i felt the need too. So even though every moral fiber in my body was speaking against it, I took the break. I decided to take some space to breathe. He din't call me or text me or basically any thing that would make me feel bound or having to act responsible. I took that time to do things that help me relax. I read, i searched through classic music. Basically, everything that was me, that could get my head back on right track. But soon i started to miss him and i knew it was going to be time to go back soon. There was never a question of cheating of course. He din't need to mention it because he trusted me that i would never cheat on him. He trusted that i won't misuse this opportunity and act as a slut. (Maybe you should try that too.) My break just lasted for three days.(Not counting the days i was previously agitated). In that time, i cleared my priorities. I felt like myself again, ready to deal with my troubles. And when i came back, i did all i could to make up for the time lost due to my break down. I knew he had been suffering while i'd acted selfishly, there is no excuse for that so i just did what i could do at that time and that was shower him with attention and love. I am not saying that it was easy or a good way to solve the problems i was facing, but there is one thing i got from it. Now, i know that i'll never need another break. I'll remember those moments i spent pondering how much i want to be with him, and even today that gives me strength when things go tough. And i know without a shadow of doubt that i love him. I am not going to tell you to wait for your girl, or how long you want to wait for her. Its all your choice but if you have faith on her, you would stop worrying about her cheating on you. Maybe she'll come back, maybe she won't but she will end up doing what would be the best for both of you. I sincerely hope things work out for you. Hope my experience helped..
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also want to add that in the week leading up to the break she talked several times about our wedding and me being our future husband.
I'm so confused!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand what you all are saying. And maybe I'm just wanting to hear what I want to hear. BUT --In the middle of these ten days apart we spent 24 hours together. She was distraught, crying, a mess. She said she can't imagine me not in her life, that she loves me and sees a future. She said she does not want to remove our relationship status from Facebook. We slept in the same bed that night (no sex) and held each other all night and in the morning she said she didn't want me to go. I obviously did. She's not a ^^^t. She has a rule of waiting a month before sex with a new person, and at 25 she has had only 4 partners, including me. In the year between her last relationship and ours, aside from getting back with the ex for about a week, she went on countless dates but never even had a goodnight kiss. We're talking months and months of being single and going on multiple dates a week with different people and she never even kissed one of them. So, I really don't believe she refused to agree to the 'remain faithful' condition because she wants a free pass, but because she can't feel restricted by me. We've had some issues in the past where she felt I was controlling, and she's probably right. I really believe the issues are not me, or us, but her. She has tried to solve them while remaining in the relationship (remember we live together), but at this point doesn't know what else to do to get herself well. I HATE this limbo stage, but I'm enduring it because I still believe there's a chance. I'm really just looking for input. Based on the facts I've told you all -- do you think this is worth waiting for? And if so, how long? I know this is something only I can decide, but it helps to have other's input. Everyone seems to think this is dead. And maybe you're right. But with this new information, do your opinions change?Thanks so much.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (24 August 2012):
 Well I am 25, and have not been on a break with ANY boyfriend since I was 15/16. All of my other female friends are also in long term relationships (some married) and NONE of them have ever had a break with their current long term partners. They have had breaks with ex's and clearly that didnt work out too well for them.
So I can tell you now, breaks for couple's in their 20's is NOT the norm, and you must have some rather odd friends if you are all going on breaks left right and centre. Or maybe it is a UK vs USA thing, perhaps it is normal to be childish in relationships at a much later age over in the US, we stop that silly stuff once we get out of school.
In my opinion if you cannot make a relationship work and need a break from it, then the relationship is doomed. Regardless of how long you have been together, you should want to work through problems together - not seeing the person you love and not even speaking to them indicates that you are too selfish to be in a relationship and are not fully committed to it.
As I said before, break the no contact and talk to her - tell her that you dont agree to this break (which you dont, you clearly dont want a break) and that she needs to talk to you and tell you what is going on. If she refuses and wants to carry on pretending to be single (which is what she is doing) then you are ending the relationship.
I can promise you now she will be out having fun, probably talking to other guys - and will only come back to you once she realises the grass isnt greener on the other side. She clearly feels too comfortable with you and needs something exciting to happen in her life, hence why she has gone to 'find herself'. She will have a bit of fun, take some time out from you and when she cant find anyone else to have her she will come crawling back. She knows you are sat waiting hence the no contact, she knows she can treat you like crap yet you will sit around waiting for her like a lovesick puppy.
If she genuinely wanted a break to sort her head out, and if she genuinely loved you and was 100% certain this was a break not a break up, then she would of course promised not to see anyone else. She wouldnt agree to you seeing anyone else I bet, yet somehow she is allowed to see other guys because she made no promise to you. That whole 'conditions' line was utter nonsense to cover her ass when you find out she has been out with other guys. If you need time out to sort yourself out then you wouldnt even think about other men, so promising to the man you love that you wont see anyone else would be easy. Because she made so many excuses why she cant promise that shows exactly what her intentions are.
Everyone else is saying the same thing, I just dont think you are ready to hear this and are going to carry on waiting for her regardless. The longer you allow this to continue the more she will realise she can get away with anything and that you will put up with whatever she throws at you.
You cant take a break from love - you either love someone and want to be with them, or you dont. There is no middle ground. No buts or maybes. Be strong and stand up to her, otherwise you are really going to get hurt.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 August 2012):
 I strongly agree that we can't take breaks from life.
Now if she had said no sleeping with others I might be less concerned... but i'm betting that she's already doing just that...
I think it's best that you not take her back even if she comes crawling back in a few weeks...
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAppreciate the advice.The thing is, any happy long term couple I know in their twenties has gone through some sort of 'break'. I don't think it's a teenager thing. I think it's very common for people in their twenties, and I know they can work. I am angry she couldn't agree to be faithful, at least for now, but at the same time -- I know this girl, her past is relatively tame for a 25 year old, she does not slut around, and I honestly believe she could not agree to this because she has to have a period of not feeling controlled at all.What I'm struggling with is that I'm going through hell yet we're not even broken up yet! The unknown is hurting me. I believe in our relationship enough to endure it, but because of no contact I have no idea what she's doing or where her head is at. She could be missing me and crying every night but forcing herself to go through this to prove she can stand on her own two feet.But if she's not, then I just want this over with. I just don't know at what point do I: break? no contact? if I don't hear from her.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (24 August 2012):
Basically if you are an adult in a serious, committed relationship then you cannot 'take a break'. You cant just set aside your feelings for a short time, ignore the person you claim to love and then pick it back up again when you are ready like nothing ever happened.
'Breaks' are what teenagers do when they get bored of a relationship, if an adult is trying to do this (like your girlfriend is) then she is simply walking all over you and totally taking the piss.
Adults communicate when they are unhappy, talk through problems and work out a way to solve them together. Ignoring your partner and acting like you are single whilst expecting your partner to be sat at home waiting for you is ridiculous, selfish and so unbelievably childish.
I think you need to put your foot down with her and stop letting her play games with you. Tell her that either this daft 'break' stops now and you work on your problems together, or its over and you are not waiting for her to 'find herself'. You are not teenagers anymore, you cannot just call time on a relationship whenever you like and then pick it back up again whenever she wants. If she loves you and wants to be with you then she will work on her problems with you, if she really wants a break and to be single for a while well that is the end of the relationship and you are not going to hang around for her.
You are putting yourself at a huge risk by waiting for her on this 'break' - if its no contact you have no idea how she is feeling, what she is doing, for all you know she is out every night with the girls meeting new men. Dont allow yourself to wait for someone who is disrespecting you like this, she needs to grow up and learn how to behave in a mature relationship.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): Hey, I'm a 20 year old girl and I have lived with my boyfriend for 2 years. I can't even go a day without speaking to him. I understand she feels as if your relationship is all that she bases herself on now, she can't see herself as an individual, but as a unit. In my oppinion, when you love someone you become a unit, you automatically think about the other person in any decision you make. I think it is completely unfair to you, to just leave you with no idea whats going on and she obviously knows this is hurting you, I couldn't do that to my partner. As for saying she can't have any restrictions, I think the least she could do is tell you she will be faithful, atleast until she decideds wether or not she wants to be with you. I think she has put you in a horrible position! If I wanted to have a break from my boyfriend (which wouldn't happen) I would just go away for a few days and then I'd miss him so much I'd have to come back. 10 days is a long time to have no idea whats going. Have you explained to her how much this is killing you?
And if I were you I would go out and have fun, if she has no restrictions neither do you! I think if she sees you are having fun without her, she will be back before you know it! She is taking you for granted, so don't let her xx
I hope this helped, I know I sound one sided here but I just believe you shouldn't treat someone you love like this, atleast give them some answers.. xx
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (24 August 2012):
 A "break" is essentially, a "Break from the relationship". As in, a "break up". The only difference is that the person that initiates the break wants to be able to return to their ex partner whenever they cannot find something else.
The fact is, you just got dumped. She won't talk to you or promise to be faithful to you because she is your -ex girlfriend- now. The reason why people say "break" instead of "break up" is because they don't want to deal with the emotional fallout of a "real breakup".
If she lost her identity, she needs to be able to find it, to find herself. However, this is an extremely cowardly way to go about it.
Here's where you stand with her. She isn't your girlfriend anymore.
I suggest you start moving on ASAP.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): I would be willing to let her have any conditions she wants except for sleeping with other people. I would inform her that either she agrees not to sleep with anyone else, or else I intend to go out and start screwing other women as soon as the break period starts.
Its not about being a jerk or getting revenge. I am just being realistic about what is probably going to happen and demanding some fair equal rules.
Too many people ask for a "break" to excuse some cheating with a technicality. They know they will probably do it, they know their partner (who never wanted a break in the first place) probably will not, and they want it to go down like that.
I would worry about it even more in your case because the woman is asking for the break. You have to put effort into going out and hooking up with someone else because you are male. All she has to do is not turn down every single guy who makes a pass at her. That is much easier and requires much less decisive action on her part. And then its always easier for women to get a casual sex partner than a man once the flirting starts.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): I've seen this before with a friend. He wasn't sure he liked where his life was headed and was wondering if he was better off being alone. It's not bad to do this and is sometimes necessary. It's just that if the person realizes that they do miss being single then it ends up being a break up. If they realized that they do really miss the person then they return to the relationship without having cold feet as to where this relationship is headed.
This is not a breakup, she still loves you. The point of this is to check for her how much she misses you when she doesn't have you. If you actually break up with her now it's going to hurt her a lot. While she's checking on this, it is going to hurt you a lot.
So other than her figuring out what she needs to do, one thing that can happen is you may realize you don't really miss her. Other than that, you may resent her a lot for doing this so even if you get back together you may just hold this against her.
I would say you should give her as much time as you can. One thing though, I realize there can't be conditions in this test because she has to feel single and can't have pressure. But at the same time, in order to be fair, there can be no conditions on you either. You need to decide if she's worth waiting for, and how long. There is no right or wrong answer here. It's just, what is she worth to you? How long can you wait for her?
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A
male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather +, writes (24 August 2012):
 Sorry son, time to face facts. There's no such thing as having a break from a relationship. It's dead, over. Like saying I'm having a break from breathing, as the air is so polluted. Total bollocks. She's taken the coward's way out, left you dangling.
Ok, imagine this: She comes back to you after six weeks. You discover that she's had sex with a couple of guys but hey - it's ok! we agreed to no conditions, right? Right!
It's not going to be easy for you unfortunately, as you seem to be so smitten still. My advice seems harsh but I strongly suggest that you put yourself 'out there' on the dating scene as soon as possible. She most definitely has. In fact, she may well have been seeing someone all along. Please don't hang about for something that is NOT going to happen.
So sorry, but that's life sometimes.
Good luck.
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