A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am a bit confused as to where this is going and need some advise please. Your advise in the past has been really very helpful. I have been married abt 13 years and in the time my husband was always antisocial and controlling though in a very manipulative way such that I always felt good about giving in to make things work and in that time I also found out he was cheating on me for a while and that then set me thinking / analysing this. When I threatened to leave about a year ago he didn't take me seroiusly though this year I made the announcement more vehemently that I want out and since 2 months haven't allowed sex. I have told him to leave home and he'll move out next month for a job to a different city. He says he's very sorry and he's changed and that he hopes after some time apart we can get back together and things like I'll regret rejecting true love...while I find him too emotional to cope with so I am hoping he'll find someone and move on. Whats most likely in a situation like this?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (14 July 2012):
Hi. It's hard to know what is going on in his mind really.
You said earlier that there are children, so it's not just the two of you.
Perhaps what is happening in his life now, is nothing to do with your marriage working or not working.
It could be more that besides being a husband and a father, he doesn't know who he really is.
A kind of identify crisis, and a feeling that he should be doing more with his life.
In short, he needs to find out what he wants from life, and so in which direction to proceed in.
And as far as the threesomes are concerned - organised by him - it seems that he must have had an idea that it might be fun, and then when it came to doing it, he felt it just wasn't right after all. And so he called it off.
So no more threesomes, which is for the best really.
You need to do what feels right to you in these situations, as it is you living through it all, no-one else.
People can change. However, the change has to be initiated by them only. You can't force him to change.
That decision has to come from him.
He needs to WANT change, and see it as the only way to make things work out.
He might be a bit immature, or else - simply restless.
Or a bit of both. He just seems to be lost.
He is perhaps at that stage of his life, where he is trying to find himself.
No, not restless with you and your children, restless with his own individual life.
It might be a good thing that he does go away with this new job, as it will stretch his horizons and maybe give him some inspiration and direction.
And when he is away, he will miss you and the children, and will realize what he already has.
And that space for both of you, will help him as well as you.
It will give you both time to think about everything more objectively, once he is no longer there every day.
What it will do, is to distance you from the situation now, and it will allow you to make a comparison in a more balanced way.
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (13 July 2012):
 Before you continue in your marriage you have to understand WHY he cheated. This will give you some insight as to whether he will possibly cheat again. The other thing you have to ask yourself is if you still love him enough to overlook this infraction. How much damage has this done to you personally? Once you ask those questions, you'll have to decide if you can truly put it behind you. If so, go to couples counseling and try to rebuild the marriage. If not, let him move and file for divorce. good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the analysis Dorothy - He has had a difficult childhood growing up without a mum since she passed away early but at the same time he is extremely handsome and has no dearth of women falling for him. He is insecure as loves the attention I am sure. He had made comments like saying I should put more makeup and that I should wear skinny jeans rather than bootleg etc but when I point that to him he says' there is absolutely nothing wrong with that - all couples do that and that doesn't mean i don't like how u look...in fact I tell people at work that my wife looks younger than me' - I just can't tell what the truth is and when he's just pulling wool over my eyes ...one moment I feel like a vamp doing this to destroy a family; another moment I feel like a trapped victim.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (12 July 2012):
 I agree that it is good he is moving out. I think you have probably already tried to talk with him about this and it didn't work. With some men, especially the manipulative and controlling type, the only thing that really works is when they see you are done for good. Then they realize they cannot provoke you anymore, they cannot control you anymore, and you are serious. With my ex, I did absolutely everything I knew to do. I sat and talked with him. I wrote him letters. I was very calm, mature, and respectful doing these things. I used "I" and "me" statements so as not to blame. I gave him his space. Nothing worked because to him it was all "drama" and me being needy. Sure. So, because I was so needy, I stopped communicating with him altogether and actually like my life and myself a lot better without him! A relationship should not have to be THAT hard. Give him some time by himself to think about what a jerk he's been. He may still not get it, but you need to change the dynamics of the relationship, so he is not control anymore and you are. I honestly find that some men do not respond to talking at all, so I am sometimes hesitant to give that advice. Obviously, that is the first thing you want to try, but a lot of men respond more to being ignored and put on the back burner. I would go ahead with your separation and see how things go. You may find it a breath of fresh air since there will not be someone around trying to manipulate your thoughts and feelings all of the time. I know I did.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks that's really so helpful - yes indeed it's always been all about him but yes I have indicated before over the last one year that I don't like it and he has been mean in his responses with comments like he is still very young and I've really matured; I should be more like him. He's also suggested a threesome and we have been out swinging with him stopping abruptly each time saying he is not comfortable although he set up each meeting..I do want this to work bit just for the kids since I just don't love him anymore and the best I see coming will be a comprise / relationship out of pity thought he feels that since he has changes I will be able to love him again - really what I want to know is can you fall back on love with the same person? I won't live a marriage of compromise so that's why I want to know do people change and do u ever love them again?
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 July 2012):
 Hi
Good for you getting rid, as he has organised a job in a different city he has taken you seriously too.He will bluff and say things till he is gone but don't listen. You have totally made the right choice FOR YOU.
I dont know why he is as he is but you have clearly had enough and found the strength to finally stand up to him. His affair broke the trust,that alone is hard to forgive. I hope you find peace and have a much happier future.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (12 July 2012):
Hi there. Thirteen years is a large chunk out of your life, so you don't really want to give up on your marriage too easily, surely.
You do need to sit down together and talk indepth about what you want and what he wants.
His wanting his own way all the time, could be a sign of insecurity.
Probably starting in childhood or in his teenage years.
Or, perhaps when he first started dating girls, and he might have had a few disappointing relationship breakups, which made him lose confidence.
It's possible.
And it's maybe how the pattern of behaviour began in the first place.
And now, he knows no other way.
And because you have always let him have his way, to keep the peace, well then at some other level, you could also be feeling some resentment, as a result of this.
And this resentment can affect how you are towards him, whenever this happens.
It has a tendency to build up and build up, over many years - even if you don't believe it exists.
It definitely does.
It's there, and it resurfaces each time you give in to him, wanting his own way.
And as you more than likely have never said anything to him about how it annoys you and that you find it very controlling, well what happens then, is it stews over and over, inside of you.
It never really goes away at all, no matter how much you might like to think otherwise.
It just gets buried, like it doesn't exist.
And yet it does.
And over time, it can build up to a point where one day you and him have a disagreement over something really trivial, and you could simply EXPLODE!
You might be thinking that you feel no resentment, although you have clearly stated it here, which confirms that it does bother you.
And it could come up for you, as giving him "the silent treatment" over something he said or did, which was fairly insignificant.
And perhaps he then equated that to - "Maybe she doesn't love me so much anymore."
Keeping in mind here, that he does seem to be a pretty insecure type of person generally, doesn't he?
So anything that appears to rock the boat in the general equilibrium of the relationship, could push him in another direction in a weak moment for him.
A weak moment, being that he is in a social environment and someone talks and flirts with him, and he takes that seriously and before long, it ends up being a "fling" or an affair of some sort.
And it doesn't take much for that to happen, in a secure person.
You see, the person lavishing attention of him, makes him feel important and so he laps it up.
Nothing to do with you at all, meaning NOT caused by anything you said or did.
That's all about HIM.
And answering directly to your question - Is it Over? Or is it a phase?" - I don't really believe that it's over, no.
However, I do believe that for the two of you to sit and talk about EVERYTHING indepth, is absolutely imperative, in order for you to move on and sort this wanting his own way all the time behaviour out, once and for all.
If you say nothing of how you feel about his controlling behaviour, well then everything stays the same - without any change.
And I have an idea, that you DON'T really want to end your marriage at all.
More, that you would much prefer to work things out so as to improve your relationship and to the point where you can honestly say - "Our marriage has never been better!"
And truly mean that from the heart.
Would that be a better place to be than now?
Of course it would.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 July 2012):
 It's a good thing that he is moving out because you clearly have not been happy for a long time.
It's a bit much him saying you are rejecting 'true love' because he doesn't exactly fit the bill of someone who truly loves you, his behaviour has been appaulling and he is just blowing smoke because he knows the marriage is over.
When he leaves, you need to focus entirely on yourself and your family, forget about him because if you have really decided you want him to move on then there is nothing on earth that can force you to take him back.
I hope your new life without him is blessed with peace and happiness.
xxx
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