A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I need a bit of reassurance if possible please, about whether people think there is hope for me in the future both in terms of developing a new relationship and getting a decent career/any advice at all on what to do. It has taken me nearly two years to get over a two decade long relationship in which my partner was abusive and had drink problems. Prior to that I was married at a very young age and had my daughter two years later, only to be abandoned by her father who has never paid any maintenance and never helped me or her in any other way. Life had been incredibly tough ever since as I was estranged from my family and now they have mainly all died apart from my two sisters who have never helped and in fact were abusive towards me as well.My daughter is now grown up, graduated and working in an okay job (hard for her to get one that she really loves due to the recession) that she is fairly happy in. We are very close but she lives far away now and I can't see her often due to limited funds. I really miss her. I know that she would move back if her and my financial situation were better, but she can't face struggling in such a big city and wants some time to feel a bit more secure in herself after graduating.I'm just in the final stint of an arts-based PhD, which I have absolutely loved but which has been extremely tough as well. I am almost finished my thesis and also work as an artist and recently became represented by a fairly well respected gallery, however have not sold anything yet. I have some quite good experience of lecturing in the arts, but nothing really great - just visiting lecturer days and a couple of longer stints, albeit at leading universities. I am also writing a book relating to my field.I have no family as such - I only ever had a small amount of relatives who have all died apart from my two sisters, one of whom is severely mentally ill and abusive and the other who I don't get on with at all - both totally ignored my daughter from birth and have never offered to help in any way. The younger sister was particularly abusive to me, mimicking my mother, and she has now become very wealthy due to her husband dying and leaving her with a fortune. I know it is illogical and I don't feel jealousy towards her but I do feel like I should be doing much better because I am a bit older. My family background took me years to recover from and this involved my mother saying that I would never be happy and that I was useless and would amount to nothing...amongst other things that she said and did.The stresses over the years have taken their toll on my health, as I've always worked, until my PhD, in jobs that I absolutely hated and that made me ill - and my immune system is so low that, as soon as I go out in public, I pick up one flu or cold after another. I've been working with my doctor to resolve this but so far we have come to the conclusion that until my circumstances change for the better I continue to be stressed and this is what is making me ill. I have no pension and am constantly worried about the future, with no family and no partner and few friends to turn to.I own my home, but still have a mortgage and currently receive benefits which are really quite minimal compared to what some others receive ie. only a very small amount of mortgage relief and other benefits. I feel really ashamed of this but I know that in the past I have given so much help to others that I try not to feel bad about society helping me for a while - this has been the problem in the past ie. helping others and putting their needs way before my own because I thought that I did not matter at all. I still struggle with this.I'm told by friends that I am still a very attractive woman who looks much younger than 43. I sometimes notice that men do look at me when I'm out. I'm not interested in any men though (I'm definitely not gay) except for one man that I've been interested in for several years now and who I adore.I don't really know what my next "move" should be after I finish my PhD. I realise I really lack confidence both in terms of getting a relationship and in getting a job and that the longer that this goes on the worse it will get - although with the latter (lecturing and teaching at uni.) as soon as I am given any work I am told I do it excellently ie. my confidence quickly "kicks in". People say my work is oustanding (my art work) and deserves to be in a better gallery, but I've no idea really how to make that leap and I am ill so often that it is difficult to go out an network.I find it almost impossible to see a good future for myself because I feel like I've failed compared with what my colleagues and my sister have achieved - many are younger, often from wealthy families (this happens a lot in the arts subjects) and simply don't have any experience of the kind of stresses that I've been through so I don't often bother to discuss it with them. For example a few months ago I met with a colleague and, very unusally for me, started to cry because I was upset about my ex partner, but we ended up talking about her relationship problems rather than mine. It is often this way. If I try to ask for help it often simply doesn't work - One of my closest friends at college, for example, simply did not know what a mortgage was because her family have never had to have one due to being rich...so she was totally unable to think about how I might be worried about losing my home and, being younger as well, she simply could not comprehend my worry. The lecturing jobs that people get are mainly through word of mouth and often go to much younger candidates in their late 20's early 30's. I do have one day of VT work at a leading university next academic year. This is through word of mouth and I want to make a fantastic impression on that day as I am sure this is the best place for me to teach. Having said that, I know that I was recently not shortlisted because my exhibition profile on my CV was not 'international' enough compared with others who applied.Any ideas, anyone, for how to get any confidence in myself at all? Am I being unrealistic to keep wanting to work in this field and unrealistic in hoping for a relationship? I've only forced myself to try to write down my good points here to try to illustrate to people that I do have some things to offer. I know that in a relationship I'd be likely to give too much to the other person and not ask for enough for myself. Any other women feeling similar at 43? Anyone got any ideas?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 July 2012):
 Yes i have experienced several of the things that you have but I am 4 years older than you.
I was married for a long time and divorced quite a few years ago. I love my job but it isn't particularly well paid. I have my own home and my kids have both flown the nest. I don't come from a rich family but I do ok and have overcome a lot of depression, self doubt and fear of the future.
You seem in a very vulnerable state but only you can decide if you want to pursue your career (I thought most artists lived and died poor, sadly only discovered after they'd gone).
You seem to worry so much about how well everyone else is doing and focus a lot of your measure of people on money. I have learnt that none of us really knows what goes on behind closed doors and people who seem to be living well can mask a whole host of problems. I know people who take several holidays a year, drive huge cars and send their kids to private schools but they are drowning in debt, borrowing heavily off their parents and one in particular who is just about to lose her home.
I lack confidence myself at times but remind myself daily how far I have come and how well I am doing considering in the not so distant past my depression was so severe I could not even get out of bed.
We all measure ourselves by other people and it's all an illusion. It's not about how well you are doing compared with someone else, it's about acknowledging the fact that you are here, you are creative and productive, you have successfully raised a child, you have gotten out of bed and done the laundry...large or small any positive action is a triumph and lets you know you are actually OK.
I am the wrong person to comment on dating after 40. I ttied it, had a few serious encounters but have decided that for now I'd rather have my freedom and autonomy, rather than have to make an effort with someone else...that may change in the future but I am not personally concerned if it does not.
I think you know you have potential and a shot at a decent future but you are weighing yourself down with angst, worry and constantly comparing yourself to others...let it all go because it is starving you of your happiness.
I hope someone on here has more wisdom for you in regards to your work and which direction you can take it in. I personally believe it takes a special kind of person to be creative and to be able to bring that to other people...the world would be a very dull place without the expressions of art.
Life is full of surprises still...and may they come to all of us in time x
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