A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was separated and became involved with someone who was a friend. She spent alot of time with me (she was going thru the same thing) and was very affectionate. It seemed like we had something very good happening to both of us and others around us noticed it. However, it soon became apparent that the relationship she stated we had was more of a friends-with-benefits thing. Unfortunately, by this point, I was so overwhelmed with love for her it kinda of destroyed me. Now, almost 8months later, we are both divorced and have had at times a "rocky road" with our relationship. After being in a bad marriage the last thing I *thought* would want is commitment but I truely love this person more than anyone ive ever known and DO want commitment--I can understand why she wouldnt want it either but I do believe this is the love of my life but its difficult at best to try and understand what I need to do to keep this thing going and eventually bring it somewhere...or if i should give up.... Either decision is difficult...any advice would be helpful
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): Personally, I think this woman is using you for sex, and sex that she can count on when she wants it....she is not saying or doing anything according to you that can be construed as affection, it is like she is the guy....and you are sitting there heart in hand, and letting her get away with it, so what would motivate her to change?
You need to turn the tables on her and be less available. Isn't that part of the strong attraction for you of her...you fear she will end up with another guy because she likes to hang out in bars and be loose, and she is attractive and other guys want her, and you only see her once a week......You are being used, dude. People want what they can't have, and you are a classic example. She sounds to me like she is a cold hearted b...., but that is coming from another woman who isn't having sex with her.
Good luck with that one.
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (21 October 2007):
 Well she did say it herself. She isn't ready. If you love her my advice is to wait it out. Time is the keeper of all tales. She already told you she hasn't slept with anyone else since you started dating. That's a good sign, I would say. Just try to stay focused on what the long term goal is here. Treat her as you would a girlfriend, but don't be push the issue. Let her get her thoughts together where you are concerned. Allow her the space and yet give her the same companionship you now offer. Be patient and if things are meant to be it will all work out. It seems that you care for her deeply so don't let insecurities push her away. It takes time for someone to get over loosing someone they love. They experience many emotions and they have to deal with them in their own way. Give her understanding and just hang tight but do be prepared just in case she decides she can't let things go further. It is always better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all they say. When you love someone you want the bes for them at all cost. God bless and I hope it all works out for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for all your answers.Let me go a bit deeper into this whole topic:In the beginning and the first time we were together she told me to make love to her..and I did, and I have since then many times. She told me only one other person did that in the past....however, she is a very free candid and independant person and we work together---most people at work know something is "going on"...but at the same time this scares her a bit because she is a women in pretty much a mans world --which she always mentions. So, I really understand her and she told me in the past that she knows its not just sex and there is emotion there but shes not ready for that yet and doesnt know if she ever will; I can understand after failed marriages how people feel they cant commit. I feel that way too but I also dont want to lose her. She is very attractive and strong and alot of guys know her, and want her...and she told me she hasnt slept with anyone but me since we got together.In the beginning she did say the "love" word, she no longer says anything at all that can be construed as affection...its weird; its like she is the guy.She did alot of great things for me when i went thru my divorce and i was with her thru hers...she also goes out without me sometimes and i fear (because she drinks and lets loose) that she will end up some a guy. She tells me sex is just sex...yah but love is not. Sometimes she told me she doesnt want love, she doesnt want emotion just sex... Probably because of all the BS that goes along with commitment BUT....Its also true that you cant separate your body from your spirit especially when u have strong feelings for someone. Separation of the two is basically "death". I told her one morning that she was the love of my life and i would never try and change her, i just want to be with her and this open-ended relationship has to have ONE BOUNDARY---NO SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE.. because it was killing me when she was out with other people and me worrying. She kind of agreed and said "Ill try". I dont know what that means, I also sometimes think im the stupidest guy in the world because ive fallen so hard for this person--after 40yrs of living i cant believe after a divorce the person i really thought i could have something special with maybe not what I thought.The thing is, I cant leave her and say goodbye, i love her way too much and we have alot of history---and the fire is still there when we get together once a week or so. Maybe its just a matter of time but i keep trying to do new and fun things with her to keep her interested-- I personally think if you really love someone deep in your heart you should keep trying....I think of the movie "The notebook" and I think of her...But Im still pretty confused :)
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male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (19 October 2007):
Press on dating, ****ing, and talking with her. Give it 3 months before you give up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): Hi, I am going through a similar thing with a guy who I have been dating for 6 months, but neither of us were going through a divorce....he on the other had has a lot of baggage, and he is focused on getting his life back together and is going through a lot, including financial difficulties, me being childless and baggage free pretty much is ready to move ahead to commitment with our relationship, and I too think this is the real thing, and I have a pretty good feeling that he has some deep feelings for me too, but he tells me that it matters to him that he cannot focus on having a relationship and giving to it 100%, that it matters to him that he can't do what he wants to do to take care of that, so he won't give me a commitment, but says he is not going anywhere, and I am in too much of a hurry..
So I think you need to find the courage to tell her where you are at emotionally with the relationship, and because you are two people, it may be that you are not on the same page and for reasons other than you might think (like it is not because she doesn't care for you, but tells herself she can't) and you then have to decide if you still want to put in the effort to wait on her to be in the same place as you are.....and what you can do to take care of yourself in the meantime, like focus on you and what you want to accomplish in your life just now. It may be that you decide not to waste anymore of your time, although 8 months after a divorce is pretty fast to go into a commited relationship, she may need more time to get back to being her and regain her sense of self esteem apart from being part of a couple.
I feel your pain, I am there myself, and there is no easy answer, and no right answer to this question either.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (19 October 2007):
Its very sad what has happened, you guys started a relationship which she has defined as only being 'friends with benefits' and you have developed deeper feelings (which she too may have, but dosnt think shes ready for anything serious) and want more from it.
Why does she only see it as just 'friends with benefits'? Is it because she doesnt think she is read yfor another relationship yet? Or just doesnt see you like that? From what you have written it sounds like maybe she just isnt ready yet, as I would find ith ard to believe that you guys could be so close and she doesnt feel any thing more...
Have another talk to her. Ask her what the chances are of something else developing. That way you make a better decision about what to do. And no matter what you decide im sure that if you do let go of this one, you will find somoene else! I dont believe there is only one person ou there for everyone...
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 It feels really awful to find out that someone does not want the same from a relationship as we do. In this case, she offers sex, company, friendship, company, but she doesn't offer love and commitment. That means she is free to go away at any moment. You offer the whole package.
Do you think you can sustain the relationship in its present state? Is there any hint that things could be moving in the direction you expect? Your need for commitment is a deep feeling; do you think you could live without having it fulfilled? What has she said she expects from the relationship?
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A
female
reader, Hannah5066 +, writes (19 October 2007):
 I have not had the experience of going through a divorce, but I have observed it through my parents. All I can say is that you need to have a talk with her and explain how you feel. I think the problem with the whole friends with benefits thing is that someone always ends up developing feelings for the other person.
Therefore you need to find out what you want tell her and if she doesn’t want anything more you have to be prepared for whatever may eventuate. Even though I have issues of my own, I have been in a similar situation where people have confronted me and ‘laid their cards on the table’. I may have not given them what they wanted but I appreciated their honesty and they felt better for it because they finally knew where they stood.
You really really need to talk to her, be brave and put it out there and see what happens.
Good luck, be safe and I hope it works out for you.
Hannah
x
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A
female
reader, ladysuzanna  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 maybe she just need a friend that sometimes happy if she does not want that you can made that happy talk to her and if she does not want that then stop seeing her because you will get hurt because right now you in love but it is a two street good luck
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