A
female
age
41-50,
*ijit
writes:I am in a loving but emotional rollercoaster of a relationship that can get verbally abusive and extremely hurtful. It's been 3 years and we are both tired of it, recognise the problem, but somehow haven't worked out a way of dealing with it.Let me give you an example that currently has me heartbroken and in tears. I fear I am losing myself I cry so much, and every day. We were meant to meet up tonight. He hadn't been over in ages and so I'd been asking "when are you coming over?" for a long time. We made a plan for monday, but when he made it tentative I made a back up plan for drinks at a friend's place, which he was also invited to. When I asked him on sunday if he was confirming for monday or not, he asked me if I meant about the drinks, which confused me because the drinks were the back-up, the main plan was to come over to my place. Anyhow, he cancelled and said Tuesday would be better, so I said fine.Then on Tuesday (today) I spent all morning cleaning the apartment and doing my hair, and called to check what time he'd come round. He asked me what I wanted to do : go for dinner, go out for drinks. So I thought ok, it's xmas, so may as well go out if he wants to, so I agreed to go for dinner, instead of staying in.Then I realised I hadn't confirmed if it was just the two of us, so I texted to ask if it was just the two of us. I got an "I guess so" back. So I said " Good, because I wanted to dress up for you".The he calls a bit later and says that actually his parents want us to meet up with them for dinner. and his brother and his bro's girlffriend are going for drinks and thought maybe we should join them. I hetitated before saying " well, I wanted to spend it just with you. But you know what - you decide, It's fine" (because I didn't want to be a nagging bitch). The background to this is, we've been fighting all week and I really needed some quality time with him. Especially since I had expressed to him that there's no romance in our relationship, so he felt pressure to take me out, when that's not what I had intended at all. I just wanted quality time and so christmas dinner, I was hoping, would be me and him alone.He got all edgy and says to me " god why are you so complicated. I just asked a simple question :" what do you want to do " and instead of saying what you wasnt to do you turn it into this twisted thing of wanting to spend time with me and not caring what we do. Wouldn't you spend some with me even if we met my parents?"So I said " yes, but initially I'd planned to just do dinner at home, and then I agreed when you suggested to go out because I hoped it would just be the two of us, but now there's your parents, and our friends..."Kaboom.He explodes saying I am so complicated and why can't things just be simple and why can't I just say what I want to do instead of beating around the bush. He is scraming and raging.By this point I am a sobbing mess.Then he goes onto say, "ypu know I am already thinking about ending this relationship and then you do these things! I can't take it anymore! I'm done with you! I've had enough of your shit. This is the 6th fight this week. I've had it. This is it. F"ck off" and hangs up on me, saying that I'd never said anything bout cooking him dinner. (which had nothing to do with anything)When I call back after awhile to apologise and try and make amends, he blows up at me when I say " I think you might have misunderstood what I was saying...I only meant..."Double Kaboom.I get the phone slammed down in my face again.I am an absolute emotional wreck. All I can think of is jumping off my balcony. Over this stupid s*it.He is always threatening to leave me and then calling back calmly 10 mins later and saying he doesn't want to end things but that I have to be mature and I need to be like this or like that.What do I do? Is this ever going to work?Please help because I am at the end of my tether. I fear I am losing my mind and myself. I am no more than a crying wreck that he reduces me to. Is this my fault? What can I do to change my behaviour? Or is it him?He says I am immature and that because he is older than me (I'm 25, and he's 28) he knows better and that all I do is cry.But I cry out of the frustration. He doesn't listen, he criticises and he attacks me and bashes me when honestly I don't know what I did wrong. I really don't see it. Please help me see.
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female
reader, truly_unique  +, writes (28 December 2007):
im glad that you two sorted yourselves out
things will get better as time goes on and spending more time alone figuring out things for yourself is a very good idea.
this way you if you get back togethr you will both have clear understandins of what you want and what you need so you can each give and take accordingly...and fairly.
and if you dont u can be armed with knowing your true self when going into a next relationship
good luck
A
female
reader, dijit +, writes (27 December 2007):
dijit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone
Thank you so much for all your replies.
It's funny I've been away from my desk for a day...I was at his house...we talked.
Or actually...like truly_unique suggested: I wrote him a letter.
We had a really good, honest talk - probably the most honest talk we've ever had. He listened and he agreed with what I had to say. And he said that there are things that we need to work on, and being together isn't helping because we take each other for granted. He said when he got into this relationship, he didn't really want it, and he wants to really want it. He said his wish is to marry me someday, but he needs us to spend time apart and work on ourselves.
At first I was adamant, we spent such a lovely afternoon together and I just didn't want to live life without him.
But I soon realised it was for the better.
And so I agreed.
I think it both dawned on us that we may never be together again, even though we both want to be married to each other someday. He wept like a child when we hugged goodbye. And I literally couldn't breathe.
No promises have been made between us. As of now my relationship with the love of my life is over.
I'm going to take some time alone. I am still in shock. I don't want to hope that he will come back even though he has left me with hope.
I just hope I can heal from this in the least agony as possible. I feel as if a part of me has died.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (26 December 2007):
 It doesn't sound like it's your fault. Why on earth would plans for Christmas day not have been firm beforehand? It's such an emotionally loaded day. If he had wanted for you to meet his brother, and then later his parents, why didn't they all discuss this sooner instead of at the last minute? Or was it just he himself that discussed it with YOU at the last minute, in which case you should be annoyed that he expects you to to hop to it the minute he says jump. That's a red flag, giving orders and then blowing up when the other person doesn't understand or follow them.
There is a website with a great list to check in case a person is in an abusive or controlling relationship. Check the site out:
www.familyshelterservice.org (it's not pasted, sorry!)
and go to into "Services" and then use the checklist on whether or not it is abusive behavior. It might help you sort a few things out. If you aren't sure about his behavior, perhaps you should consider a break from him to sort out how you feel about be treated this way all the time. It certainly doesn't sound like something that you would want a whole lifetime of...
Good Luck figuring it all out and take care of yourself. You deserve to be treated better.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (26 December 2007):
 I have mixed feelings on your post. On one hand you should be able to tell him what you want or don't want to do. If it was important to you to have an alone time with him maybe you should have agreed to go out on a family night (it was Christmas) but then skip the drinks and go back to your place or something. This could have been like of a happy medium in which the two of you would have been satisfied.
However, and in the other hand, he seems very aggressive towards you and this could be causing your emotional state. Even if you could have been a little more assertive, it is not acceptable that he screams at you and hangs up the phone like you are describing. Has he always been this aggressive? If so, then he might be emotionally abusing you and this is not good for you! You deserve to be calm and to laugh and to have fun in a relationship. If his behavior is as of lately rather than usual, then maybe you should just take a break and let it get calm, then talk and see what steps you will both take to make this relationship work.
You seem like a great gal that is in a very difficult emotional state because of an abusive relationship. You might want to look for professional help that would help you to deal with this situation.
Personally, I believe that if a relationship is making you suffer more than making you smile, then maybe its time to part ways and be grateful of good times together.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, juliemc  +, writes (26 December 2007):
OMG hunni,
Get out of this situation now!
This relationship isn't going anywhere.
Sounds like your boyfriend is calling all the shots. After 3 years you should both have an idea where you're heading. You say you feel like throwing yourself off a balcony, well surely theres clearly huge problems that are not gonna fix themselves.When he says he wants to finish then calls you 10 minutes later saying he wants to be with you, thats just a control tactic to let you know that he can finish with you whenever it suits him.
And as for the violence, there is never an excuse for that, you should not be a punchbag for anyone under any circumstances.How can someone who proclaims to love you hurt you like that?...Think about it, you need to end this relationship right now and move on to greener pastures.
This guy is a lowly coward who doesn't merit having a girlfriend at all. You deserve far better, there are plenty more fish in the sea, and lots of loving,non-violent men that will treat you with the love and respect you rightly deserve.
I hope you have the courage to walk away with your head held high, you should, 3 years is long enough(well too long) to suffer at the hands of this tyrant.
Good luck with the future,
Hope you find someone who treats you like a lady should be treated.
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A
male
reader, wowfreak +, writes (26 December 2007):
 Sometimes a guy can be controlling even thought he don’t mean to be .
It seams you have a very controlling guy in your life and sometimes its hard to understand that .
I have been there done that as I once had a very controlling wife.
Sometimes it better to think about your self in a positive way is it worth all the hassel to be with sumone ?
If you love someone you have to think that they love you back in the same way if you don’t feel that way I’m sorry it ant goner work ..
May be think about a break then work on your problems is not you that has the problem thought.
Sometimes you have to put ya foot down to get any where in a relationship.
Maybe go to a friend and talk about this.
A relationship should be a wonderful thing and even if you think he is the one as I did with my x.
Someone will come along who will show you that you are worth much much more.
I wish you well
hugs
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A
female
reader, raq +, writes (26 December 2007):
 This isnt a healthy relatonship is it? It is not going to last. I see him as a control freak, i was with a guy like yours for years. Hot and cold,Get rid of him. He makes you out to be needy. You get tearful for not being understood and having your say. Believe me, i thought i couldnt live without my ex. In fact 10 months later,i still miss the cuddle now and again, but i dont miss the control that he thought he had on me. You will meet someone nice when the times right. Give yourself a chance to be independent. Im not unhappy now, but i was when i was in a relationship like yours. Let me know if this has helped you. You are never on your own, I am a single parent and own a business now, ny ex always told me i would never achieve anything. Women, you choose your own destiny, but dont waste your life on nothing.
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A
female
reader, truly_unique +, writes (26 December 2007):
two words GET OUT!!!
get out now
disappointment = bad
tears=very bad
tears for more than a week = king kong is attacking the city bad!
this guy is obviously a waste of your emotion.
after 28 years if life shouldnt he have realised that girls ARE complicated.
he seems to be picking fights with you and while no one (not even him) may know why we must recognaise this is unacceptable behaviour. and threating to end a relationship is a very horrible thing to do especially when he knows how much it upsets you.
i think this calls for an ultimatum. you tell him your feelings. that you are sick of it! and he either clean up his ungrateful act so you two can mend your relationship or he can be a jackass and leave. if you feel in danger of breaking into a sobbing mess mayb a letter is a good idea.
he may choose to be an asshole and leave. but then when hes without you he wil hopefully realise what a jerk he had been and come crawling back where you can forgive him and happily ever after blah blah blah. and if he doesnt come back you will probably be better off anyway.
its time for you to stand up for yourself to save yourself from hours more of tears and painful heartache
best of luck
xx
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