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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My bf of 2 years is really a sweet guy but he has this very mild, controlling behavior...For instance, if I ask him if we can get something to eat he will say "no, we just ate" or "no, have patience." At a restaurant, he controls what I eat and doesn't allow me to order certain foods, and if he DOES, he gives me sort of a guilt trip about it, whether over the money or over the food. When it comes to dessert, I am NEVER allowed to order dessert at a restaurant he takes me to, even though I offer to buy it and let him have half. He says "I know your tummy can take in a lot of food and still keep you thin, but stop eating so much." I really don't eat that much at all. I'm in GREAT shape, take care of myself and he is OUT of shape. If I ask to go out somewhere he will say no, if I ask him to come with me somewhere to buy something I REALLY need, like medicine (for a swollen gum) he will say no, you're exaggerating, you don't need it. Is he being controlling?
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female
reader, synchrohobbit  +, writes (29 November 2011):
 From your follow up it would appear that you are either a) exaggerating or b) brainwashed. I'm going to go with the latter, since you continue saying he "won't let you do things" but isn't physically stopping you. This means you are so attuned to his expectations of you that you physically CAN'T do anything he doesn't want you to do. We cannot get you out of this relationship, so please talk to a close friend or parent about your options for moving on. I have this awful nagging feeling that you will stay, and possibly get married. Please prove us wrong!
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 November 2011):
 OP please try to see the bigger picture. You might love this man and that is really entirely to YOUR credit that you've managed to love him for who he is.
But, and a very big BUT, he is not right for you. In fact, the way he's going, he is not right for anyone. Denying you a cheesecake is just symbolic, its an insight to what's about to get worse with time.
So far you have been agreeing to whatever he says just to avoid an argument but that is not a solution. In answer to your question, YES, he manipulates you, has been doing so from the very beginning and will continue doing so.
To quote a passage:
"Male role control works by physically, verbally, or emotionally destroying your partner's physical and emotional integrity so that she will be afraid to be herself, will control herself, and therefore be available to be controlled by YOU." Emotionally controlling behavior is implemented through verbal abuse, body language, and deprivation (withholding). These behaviors are "the way the abuser treats his partner"
OP this is a dangerous territory. No abuser "looks" like one nor has any tell-tale signs about them. They would otherwise be so "normal" normal, that it'll be difficult to think that they can also have this side to them.
I think you would be better off without him. You're young, starting out on the wonderful journey of life, please don't start off with a compromise.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 November 2011):
 "he won't let me do it." What, he'll physically restrain you? Throw such a temper tantrum that you cannot ignore him and you have to leave the restaurant or store?
If you need medical attention for something, get it. Don't ask for his opinion or suggestions. Just go do it. You don't need to explain or justify your actions for taking care of your health or well-being. That's bizarre and creepy that he thinks this is normal.
"Stubborn" is another word for controlling and this is on the road to abusive.
"Thank you for your concern, my love, but I would in fact like the cheesecake and since you have not 'allowed me' to order the last 15 times we've been in here, I'm feeling a bit overdue for one. I'm also feeling controlled and manipulated by your comments, so I'm asking you to refrain from trying to manage my food intake or my spending habits. I appreciate your care and concern for me but I am able to take care of myself. Thanks."
This is all assuming you don't owe credit cards thousands and thousands of dollars you don't have and you are healthy and eat nutritious meals most of the time.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (28 November 2011):
 And don't forget the cherry on top.. He'll go crazy, I want that, I want you to see the real man behind the mask he wears.
Remember, you only want to eat some desert.. NORMAL FOR MOST OF THE 6 BILLION PEOPLE ON EARTH.
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female
reader, Placebogirl +, writes (28 November 2011):
 Yes, you have every right to order whatever you like! Espeically if you are paying your half of the bill.
Next time if you want something and he complains, just say 'I respect your opinion, but I would like to do ____'
If you stand up to him a bit more, he may learn that he can't have everything they way he wants.
If he was upset about a serious issue thats understandable, but its unreasonable for him to get annoyed about small things that are really your desision to make!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 November 2011):
Just saw your follow up.. if you want to get free and defeat him..You order, ice-cream with cheese cake, cherry on top, a drizzle of chocolate, cream on the side, honeycomb crumble, and jelly on the bottomAnd when he asks what you are doing.. take only one bite, then say.. that was nice, I must do that again sometime. And don't forget to smile and lick your lips...BABY I'M BEGGING YOU... JUST TRY IT AND SEE WHAT HE WILL DO..So he's disappointed, so what.. WHO DIED AND MADE HIM GOD... Disappointment is a part of life... TELL THE SICK BASTARD, TO SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT.. You will have so much fun if you challenge him, and you'll either be free or he'll have to change his SICK ways.Please, rent, beg or borrow "The Secretary".. It's me favourite film, and you will understand just what I mean.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 November 2011):
Be careful.. this isn't mild controlling behaviour.. "CHANGE IT TO MAJOR CONTROL FREAK" It seems OK to you now, but in time, you will be a mindless slave and he will be able to make you do anything.. and I mean anything...This type of control freak, can, in time, control your world, he can make you into a whore, (yes he can.. Linda Lovelace Porn Queen had a husband like this, and she ended up having sex with a dog) He can make you diet until you are skin and bones. I know it sounds dramatic, but I'm not saying this because I'm trying to scare you. This behaviour is about domination (his) submission (yours) and the end product is to produce the perfect slave. Going out, never allowed, controlling your intake of food. He can make you stop eating, eventually he will be able to make you bark like a dog. Submission and Domination are a part of sexuality, and it can be nice if it's played right, but can destroy if the Dom is a wicked one. You have a wicked one.... LISTEN TO MY WARNINGSWatch the film "The Secretary" - Domination and submission can be done safely, when the man is kind and knows what he is doing, and the woman has certain needs that only he can fulfil. This guy is a Dom and he is unkind (the worst man on earth), and you is a baby, you have no idea about the damage he can cause for the rest of your life. At 2years in, your already starting to think this is normal, but it's not, he's already started to OWN you.He will BRAINWASH you, until all your thoughts are his.DANGEROUS!!!!! DANGEROUS!!!!! RED ALERT!!!!!!!! This type of control never ends, once he's got you, it's for life. Even if you leave, you will only do what he has allowed you to do. No desert ever again, no going out, you'll always be thinking, what would he think, what would he allow. At 3years, he'll start to think of other things you don't need. Soon it'll be you don't need friends, or he doesn't like your mother. or your not allowed to wear the colour red.. but that's just the start... THIS TYPE OF DOMINATION NEVER ENDS.2years... I can't even say run.. already you've accepted his collar and his slavery over you. Best thing is to learn how to be independent of him (in secret) think about your own needs, think about learning to say NO! NO! NO! NO! You have to learn to fight back, and then you'll be able to leave in a safe and healthy way.A bad Dom, can't take challenges to his rule, he won't be able to handle NO! Hopefully he'll disappear in a poof of smoke, just like the wicked witch in the Wizard of OZ did.Remember, he's only human, he's not GOD, what he says is of no more value than some stranger in the street. (REPEAT THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, IT'S WORDS THAT WILL HELP PROTECT YOU) Get stronger, find your WOMAN'S POWER, that will defeat him. I know and you know, walking away and dumping him won't be so easy. GROW BIG AND POWERFUL JUST LIKE HIM. Learn to tell him that he can't eat dinner, or he's fat, or he talks too much and is boring. He won't be able to handle that, he'll lose his power and you will see the sad, pitiful, inadequate man behind the mask he tries to show you. A man like this can't handle challenges, he assumes all women are stupid and will be obedient once he teaches them the right way. He is not nice, his nice words and kind deeds are all calculated carefully to train you to be his slave. Normal men don't refuse women food, normal men don't keep their women at home. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. This is a control freak wanting to take control of you.As my mum always says... TAKE BACK YOUR WOMAN'S POWER... learn to use your mouth and your words to shoot FIRE.You have been warned.. every day you belong to him more... in 5 years time, in 10years time.. stay with him and your life is no longer yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thank you for all the replies. He doesn't seem like the type at all. But if I want to buy something or order something with my money he will first state his negative, stubborn opinion and then he won't let me do it. I never actually thought about telling the waiter that yes, ill have the cheesecake please because I know my bf will react badly...he gets frustrated and pissed at little things so I guess he has managed to manipulate me? So should I just order what I want next time? A typical reaction from him would be that " no, we have dessert and you don't need a to have a meal with dessert everytime" ..the dessert thing is just an example BTW. He's very stubborn.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (28 November 2011):
"Mild, controlling behavior"? Change it to major control freak.
I would personally feel claustrophobic with a person like this. No one can or should order you around, and by listening to him, you are actually encouraging his behavior.
Next time he bosses around, just calmly say, "I'm going to do what I want and you are not going to interfere. I can make my own decisions."
I dont think that he will change, because such people rarely do. What you see as mild, controlling behavior right now, will blow into something much bigger with time, and while you can deal with it now, there will be a time when you will say enough is enough. And that will get ugly.
Dont wait for things to get worse. Either get him to change his ways or break up with him. Imagine spending your life with this man. He would be critical of every action of yours.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 November 2011):
As my 9 year old nephew would ask, who made him the boss of you? Just order what you like, if he freaks out about it or starts an argument, you'll know he's a bad bet for a boyfriend. Break up with him if he can't handle you making your own decisions.
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female
reader, Placebogirl +, writes (27 November 2011):
Yes he is being controlling. The part where you said 'he doesnt allow me'. He shouldnt have to 'let' you do things. He can give his opinion, but the end result is your choice.
I think you need to take control now. Its up to you what you order when you both go out for dinner, and if he doesnt like it thats something he needs to deal with!
Dont let him continue to tell you what to do, if you want to do something just do it. If he complains explain that you value his opinion but you have a right to make your own choices.
As Aunt Honesty said, this could lead to more dangerous behavour if you carry on letting him control you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2011): There is no such thing as "mild" controlling behavior, so yes your boyfriend is being controlling.
It will only escalate if you stay with him.
Get away from him NOW!!!!!!!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 November 2011):
 Yes he is being controlling and you are allowing him to control you because you are asking him for these things. You need to take control of your own life. Stop asking him what you can and cannot do and just do what you want to do. If you want to order a dessert well then order one. If you need to go out then go out. Stop asking him for his permission and start taking control of your own life. Explain to him that he is not in charge of you, and if he keeps behaving like this well then it is over. This will only lead to much more dangerous behaviour.
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