A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met someone and we spent about two-three weeks hanging out and eventually being intimate, then that person left to travel for a few months. During that time we spoke on the phone every day, and at one point sort of verified a commitment to one another. However, one night I stayed at the bar late and went upstairs with someone I don't really know to talk over instant coffee. It progressed into more, I started crying because I was devastated that I had crossed a boundary I had set with my long distance partner. He didn't really care about how guilty and overwhelmed I was, and it was five in the morning (tired, a little tipsy) things progressed a little further until I reached my breaking point and left without ever speaking to that person again. I continued to to talk my traveling guy, but didn't want to tell him over the phone. He has returned home, and I am the happiest I have ever been in a relationship. I can't decide how much of a betrayal this was and if I should tell him. I'm worried that if I tell it will be for selfish reasons (to relieve my guilt), and also I am afraid it will destroy the trust in our relationship at a very critical point.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): from a guy's point of view UNTIL he and you say 'we're exclusive' this is NOT cheating. I would not tell him til you get to the 'hey are we together discussion'.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): I'm in agreement with the others that said this wasn't really a commitment. So you hung out for two weeks and you slept with him, there's no way that either of you REALLY know one another. Also, he's gone for MONTHS and most guys aren't going to take that too seriously so he could have been up to all sorts of things that he's keeping his trap shut about.
I'm guessing you were lonely and unsure about the commitment and make a bad judgement call. I'm guessing he did some things as well.
This relationship really has just begun, let the past be the past. If you tell him, he's going to be left with information he probably doesn't even want to know. You probably don't want to know everything he's done either.
This isn't about honesty, this is about only knowing someone for 2 weeks and thinking it's a commitment, that was the only falsity in this whole thing. It was only even "sorta verified". That leaves a whole lotta grey area for a man!
If he travels for a living for months on end, this probably isn't the relationship for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): Well either way i suppose, I believe in giving yourself one second chance.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (28 May 2009):
 OK, first of all did you have sex with this stranger in the bar or not?
If not, then you had a drunken fumble or slightly more. I am not someone who would ever condone lying to someone but your long distance guy has been travelling and you really don't know what has been going on with him during that time. He could have had a mini dalliance whilst he was away, you would not know.
I do agree with rhythmandblues2 as it is not cheating if you were not in a totally committed relationship with long distance guy. At the end of the day he was travelling and whilst you sort of made a promise you didn't know how long he would be away. I am not saying that what you did was right but you have been emotionally beating yourself up about it ever since.
Unless the guy you had the drunken encounter with ever came across you and long distance guy then you are very unlikely to ever have an issue with it coming out. However, if there is a chance that things could come out in the open then it would be better in the long run to let long distance guy know that something happened but I would certainly play it down if you were going to tell him about it as it was a drunken mistake and if it wasn't fully sexual then I personally think it would be better to come from you than the drunken guy.
By being honest you do shift the guilt though and if you want this new relationship to actually mature into something more meaningful then you really should give yourself some time to see where this relationship goes. If however, he decides to keep on going off travelling then you really do need to think about how committed he is to you and what sort of relationship you actually have. If on the other hand, he asks you to go with him then the problem is solved and you know he wants you in his life.
Don't beat yourself up unless you truly feel that it is necessary. Sit back and wait and see if this relationship is going to come to anything.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): I am going to explain admissions of guilt to you like this.
Telling someone that you kissed and groped some guy in a bar when you were drunk is only about relieving your guilt and putting it on the shoulders of someone else.
It is like throwing them a hot potato and saying it is your turn to hold this now....you feel better, they feel worse and are left to deal with the resulting pain.
Don't tell him. Grow up and deal with your own guilt and vow to not put yourself in situations like this again, getting drunk and going upstairs with a strange guy.
You and he do not have a commitment. You have sort of kind of decided to date. You are putting more importance on this than it deserves. You two are just starting out getting to know each other and you had sex very early in the relationship without any commitment when the act took place.....typical dating stuff that people do.
Let it go, nothing happened between you and the other guy, you left and never spoke to him again. That is not cheating in this particular situation.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 May 2009):
 I think this was cheating, indeed. Some people will not think so because of how the relationship started and was maintained, but I think this is a matter of what you told the guy: if you said you were in a relationship, then this is cheating.
I agree with Gina that honesty is the best policy. In an ideal world, you would tell him, and he would forgive you. I can't say that is what will happen.
Some people would think that maybe it's best not to mention this, and just go on with the relationship and stay faithful. There's a point in that, because, like I said, the world is not ideal, and your being honest could result in, for example, his saying that he forgives you but then holding a grudge and letting it fester until much later.
Some other people would think that it's best to come clean now. It would have the positive aspect that you would be giving him the option to choose, and he could trust that you would tell him the truth even if it's not pleasant to listen to. But, again, he might end the relationship right away, or think that there's more to it but you're not telling him, et cetera.
I think I would say what had happened. Maybe the relationship would end, but at least I would be making the effort to come clean. I would have made a mistake, but then I would show that I am willing to do what I can to put that effectively behind and stay faithful thereafter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): It's not clear....did you make-out or have sex with this guy? Just going to someone's apt and crying to them would not be considered cheating ....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): It's unclear what you actually did with the other person. You said he didn't care about how you felt.. was it forced on you? Was it something you couldn't help or tried to stop but couldn't?
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A
male
reader, rocknroll +, writes (28 May 2009):
Consider it a wake up call to be on alert to your feelings, and others motives. Nothing happened sexually, and you should be proud of yourself of the achievement under the circumstance.
Don't let it get to you, relax and let it go. You were swimming with Vipers, and made it out unscathed, unharmed and a smarter person for it. Do you not agree?
No reason to bring it up to him, for fear you may not word it correctly and end up getting yourself into trouble with him. Just let it go, you didn't cheat, but you were so close. You allowed yourself to dance with the wolves so to speak.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): Don't tell him, you almost did something but didn't so forget about. It will ruin a relationship that hasn't had a real chance to start yet.
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