A
female
age
30-35,
*ulu92
writes:heya.i am very distraught an confused. i have been with my boyfriend for 14 months. he is the type of boy who had slept around.....A LOT! with me he changed an is totally devoted to me, an has never cheated. but about 7 an a half months ago. he went on a social networking site that he had not been on for over a year. an their was a friend request from an ex of his. so he accepted an saw all these pictures of a child of about 2. an she told him that the child was his. but at the time my boyfriend an this girl were going out, they had slept together only once. and she told him she was pregnant at the time, an that she was going to have an abortion the next day. she lives an hour away so he thought that was that. but she had kept the baby. a baby girl. and as i heard of this, it destroyed me inside. when we first got together the was the fantasy talk about what you would like to do in life...e.g. getting married, and having children. he said to me that if i ever got pregnant he would want me to keep it as the other 3 people he had got pregnant (accidentally), had had abortions or apparent "miscarriges". he also told me he would like a baby girl first. and that he would still like to be young when he had children, say about 22. as i wanted the exact same, it made my heart swell and want to be the one to give him this. he didnt start to see her untill 4 weeks ago. an now he is going down every other weekend, i know it may sound selfish but the pain in my heart is so strong. as a month after we found out about his child, we also found out i was 6 weeks pregnant myself. with finding out this and the fact he had another child he said he was going to see an support. i decided it would be best for me to have an abortion as i knew i couldnt provide for it on my own. i knew he couldnt provide for 2 children aswell. we agreed on the abortion, but as soon as it was done. i regretted it an each month would look at my belly an hold it an say how sorry i was, just thinking i should have a baby in there. my boyfriends parents have recently been down to see the child. they did not even know i was pregnant. it hurt me so much when they had bought lots of toys for the child. an i know my boyfriend loves me an i know he wants his daughter even though he acts as though its not what he would prefer to do, each time he goes down it gets harder an harder for me. i cant take the pain, i know its selfish, i would never ask him to choose. i know he would even choose me, but thats not right. i love him so much an dont know what to do to solve this problem. is the only option i have leaving this relationship behind? PLEASE PLEASE HELP MELulu xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): I know exactly what you are going through because I'm going through something similar. I too want to give my husband his first child one day, but that has been taken from me. I feel so selfish but the thought of even seeing this child when it is born makes my stomach roll. I love my boyfriend very much and want to marry him. While we had a breakup he made a big mistake. He doesn't want the child and I don't know what he will decide to do. I don't want to recent an innocent child, but my heart tells me I will. I'm in the same boat and I don't know what to do, that's why I looked this up online for guidance. I just wanted you to know you're not alone. God bless
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female
reader, MoonLux  +, writes (5 November 2010):
 You've got a full plate there lady! But one thing at a time...
Sux that your boyfriend found out about his daughter via Facebook - horrible! But he seems to be a good dad to want to be involved with raising his daughter. You have a good man there. Have you heard of the saying "It takes a village to raise a child?".. If you both love each other, why can't you be involved in his daughter's life too? On a positive note, you get to see how he really is with kids and maybe you'll learn something new about this man that will help you make up your mind.
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reader, Nime +, writes (5 November 2010):
 If you can't cope, you can't cope. There are millions of other great men out there who don't sleep around and don't have kids out of wedlock and don't have baggage. I meet them one after the other and would love to get to know them all if I didn't already have such a wonderful boyfriend. Get rid of this guy and find one who will make you wonder what you were ever thinking. :)
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reader, es12 +, writes (5 November 2010):
Hi, yeh it sounds like a really difficult situation and I honestly feel for you. But as you have said yourself you are being selfish - it's not you borfriends daughters fault and she deserves everything from her father that you would want your children to have. All I can say on this occasion I'm afraid is that everyone has to deal with painful events in their lives and it is up to yourself to decide whether you love your boyfriends enough to deal with this.
Talk to your boyfriend and ask him to understand and that you know that it is kind of selfish but you just need reassurance from him and how he feels about the situation. Talk about how you feel and the regret you have felt about having an abortion. I wouldn't recommend getting pregnant again because you are so young and you have a lot of living to do before it's time to have children - and there is plenty of time. Also you need to be sure you want to stay with your current boyfriend.
I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you make decsion that ultimatly leaves you happy because even though they are selfish feelings you can't just stay in a situation that you are unhappy with - that's not what life is about - consequently being selfish sometimes is the only thing that you can be to make sure you don't end up in a relationship that isn't giving you what you need.
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (5 November 2010):
 I wish that every man would stop making such careless mistakes. I wish women like you would not have to go through things like this. Sometimes I am ashamed to be a man because I will always be the one my other male friends talk to about how they are so attracted to multiple girls and it makes me feel as though being a man is sometimes a sin.
At least your boyfriend is trying to take responsibility for his actions and I know that you must feel as though you are being left in the background as everyone rushes to see this other woman and her baby. Do not fret, he does love you and you know that. There is no confusion there.
Do you wish to leave the relationship? Does he? He should be the one writing, asking us what he should do because he is hurting a woman he adores by being there for something he did not want. It sounds cruel but it is necessary to make such a description. Somehow the sacrifice he seems to be making is wrong.
Talk to him about this, tell him that even though you mean on harm, you do not wish to steal him away, you cannot bare being the one torn away from him either. Why do you not go with him to see the baby if he will allow it. Just so you can see it, undoubtedly if this relationship goes anywhere, you will be a large part of its life if he is still taking care of her.
I know it seems as though this woman has stolen your dreams away and your world may seem like it is crumbling while you are trying to keep it from falling. I know this is difficult but you cannot lose hope. If you love each other as much as you say you do, if all those dreams are ever going to come true, you cannot lose faith in him, in yourself and in your life. The little thing that once grew in your belly is gone but do not regret. From death, comes life in one way or another. You and your boyfriend are in a difficult stage of your lives together but you have to persevere.
One day you will be married and you will have a daughter and when you see her, you will not regret what happened because she will be a wonderful daughter. Your life will be so much brighter and so much happier, you just have to pull yourself through this and show your boyfriend that you are willing to stay with him and love him as long as he is willing to do the same for you. Treasure every kiss because you know that each precious one builds your dreams.
I suppose the same happiness can be found if you leave him. He will be free to take care of his child and you will be free to love someone else and live a different dream. But what if down the line you think about what could have been? What if he does not want to leave you, what if he truly does love you, so much so that he begs you not to leave him?
I am not trying to push you towards a choice. I am merely presenting truth and the truth is that the right thing is never the easiest choice to make. I know that right now you may doubt whether or not that phrase can really be applied to this sort of a dilemma but I assure you that it can. The right choice will always be the best in the long run. Admittedly sometimes not for you but for everyone around you. Other times, you will have happiness. I promise that whichever choice you make, you will have your happiness but, make certain that it is the kind of happiness that will never leave you. If you decide to stay with him, I am confident that there will be stress and times of doubt but, what life does not include such trouble? If you decide to leave him, thoughts are merely halted and postponed, thoughts will follow and you will wonder. I urge you, in either case, rid yourself of doubt because either choice is the right one.
I hope that helps.
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