A
female
age
30-35,
*hubarb
writes:I'm 20 years old. I've been with my boyfriend for 1 year and few months. I feel like my boyfriend is choosing drugs over me. I've asked him to stop but every single morning he wakes up and smokes it. He isn't at work atm either so he's just at home all day. We are supposed to be trying for a baby, but I never want to have a baby brought up in the circumstances. I've said if you love me you'll stop doing it in the mornings but he doesn't. Our tenancy run's out end of this month. Shall I stay with him and move into a new place with him, or shall I try and move back to my mums and finish it?
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at work, drugs, smokes, trying for a baby Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (5 November 2010):
Straight to the point -
He is likely a loser. Chosing your mate is the single most important decision in your life. There are plenty of good ones out there - no need to settle for a dope fiend. Hitch your star to a loser and you are looking for a lifetime of hardship.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (5 November 2010):
 I was in this situation once at 19, I lived with my boyfriend, he lost his job then started smoking pot every day, also wanted to try for a baby..Kept begging him to stop, threatening to leave, didn't work. Pot or me? Obviously he loved pot more than his girlfriend. Then, one New Year's Eve I caught him snorting a line of coke. For me that was the last straw, pot maybe the lesser of drugs but it's the starting point for moving on to more dangerous ones.
My point is if he's always been like this, he's not going to change anytime soon. You'll always come second to his drugs. Move back home, let him struggle to pay the last of the rent, then proceed to dump him.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (5 November 2010):
 Move in with your mother and finish the relationship. He has made it clear he is not ready to deal with his addiction. He would be a terrible father if he smokes around you when you are pregnant, or your child. At a medical level his addiction could increase the risk to your health, and your baby. Since he is not working it would be just another baby for the welfare system to pick up the tab for. Drug addicts are selfish people by the very nature of their addiction. That isn't a recipe for a good Dad. I am guessing if he smokes everyday then he doesn't get enough benefit to cover the bill. If he has debts then your impending family would be saddled with that burden for years to come. Bringing up kids in poverty is one thing but bringing a baby into the world intentionally in such circumstances would be dreadful. He feels he doesn't have to change because you stay no-matter what he does. It is time to put yourself and your future first. You are young and you should be having a fun time at your age - not being a social worker to a loser.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2010):
 Why are you trying to have a baby when he is doing drugs? Having a baby, being a mother, father WILL NOT cure an addict. He has no job? So you would be pregnant and supporting the family as well?
Move home, dump his dumb-ass.
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (5 November 2010):
Move out, leave him.
He doesn't respect your wishes and isn't just going to give up.
I am also amazed that you are in this situation and considering trying for a baby.
Go back to you mum's before it's too late.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): He hasn't chosen the drugs over you because he has you both. Why would he give them up when all you do is tell him you don't like and ask him to quit but do nothing about it.
Let me make it clear to you rhubarb, he hasn't chosen anything because he doesn't have to. You haven't done anything about it but complain.
I assume he's smoking pot, because if it was crack or heroin you'd probably have left him by now.
The only thing that will make him chose is by you doing something about it. Start looking for a place on your own, set up the conditions to leave him, don't just talk actually do something that's the only way he'll see that you're serious. You're probably always telling him how you don't like it but he couldn't care less because as far as he's concerned you're not going to do anything about it. He probably thinks you won't, so why should he stop when he doesn't see a problem with it?
Move back to your moms and finish living with him, you don't have to break up with him but if you take a step back from this relationship and he sees you're actually serious about this then that might spur him into making that choice. If not then you'll be at home anyway and the break up will less difficult.
rhubarb do it now though, get your stuff packed this week and go home. Don't stay any longer. This way he'll have two weeks to show you he can stop and if he does you will still have time to move in together when your lease runs out.
Seriously go back home now, don't just tell him you're going to move back home at the end of the month, talking means nothing to stoners. They can just spark up a reefer and ignore what you said, he can do this easier because all you do is talk and he is used to it by now. Show him you mean it through your actions, give him two weeks in this place alone with his drugs and see how he feels about only having his drugs for company.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): Im very sorry to hear this. I feel this man is selfish, doesnt respect his body, doesnt care for his health, and makes poor decision in doing so thus currently i dont seem fit to even be in a relationship let alone be a father. Im very very happy you questioned this and it seems right for you to get out of this. Yes, go to your mothers and leave this guy to sort out his mess. He needs to get his head straight for a woman like you. Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (5 November 2010):
 get out now, he's got no future with you. he's using you to fund his drugs. stop the cycle and leave.
your mum will take you back. why would you try for a baby with this looser?.
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