A
male
age
36-40,
*FeelUsed
writes:I am confused and more unsure than I have ever been. I have always been a good guy who is confident and I always know what to do. But with this lovely woman I am unsure.We work together, and she is in a relationship she is dissatisfied with.When I first became interested in her it was six months ago. I was nice to her like I had always been, but started to get her small gifts like a movie she was heartbroken she lost. Or a shirt I had of her favorite band. Small things I happened upon that I remembered she liked. Nothing more than 5 dollars. We talk a lot after work a day or two a week.She knows I like her and respect her relationship,but I still like to keep her on her toes. I love to make her laugh and when I flirt with her she always giggles and turns bright red.She gives me a hard time and teases me a bit if I forget to do something as we close up shop for the night. When she is wrong, I, in a joking and teasing way back will say, "now x I want you to say I'm sorry {my name}. She smiles and looks at me and says it. Then today, I told her while looking at her, "next time I am going to have a sore hand" while smirking. She looked down and turned red and smiled.There has been a time recently where she called me in a low soft whispering voice asking where I was and I immediately was asking if she was ok and if I needed to come back etc. In a very very concerned and protective voice. She told a coworker and said it was sweet.I would like to know if she likes me or may to some extent be smitten or even slightly interested?
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co-worker, flirt, heartbroken, teasing Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2020): I've changed my mind. Let me educate you, bro!
When a guy is coming on hot and heavy, and he blatantly flirts with you; even when you have a boyfriend, and under the possible threat of being reported to HR...that dude has nerve.
He uses flattery and flirtation to butter you up. He plays extra-nice, to avert any attempt to shut him down. Being so sweet, it would make you feel bad about reporting him for harassment. You're somewhat vulnerable and your guard is down; because here's a guy who's so understanding, while your boyfriend is being a jerk.
Timid-women who don't like to cause trouble or draw attention to themselves are usually easy targets. They cower and tolerate what they truly despise from men.
Some women are not good at dodging or repelling the unwanted-advances of very persistent men; who aggressively pursue them. Even those who use a more subtle approach to cover themselves; in case she does decide to make a complaint to HR.
When you're at work, you want to keep your job; and a lot of women are afraid to rock the boat. They fear some kind of retaliation from the pursuer. They fear what he might say in contradiction of their side of it. He is a man, and physically stronger. She is afraid what he could do if angered. They also fear the unknown! Will he become a stalker, or hurt me?
Some company's panic and become alarmed; when it feels there is a potential liability from sexual-harassment. It's a he-said/she-said situation; that nobody wants to deal with through a law suit. They may slip it under the rug, or intimidate the victim out of their job. She isn't sure what she ought to do. Some women just let the guy have his way, hoping he'll eventually just stop. Until the right friend comes along, and gives her good advice.
Timid or intimidated-people sometimes smile or "giggle;" when cornered and embarrassed. Especially, when they don't know what else to do. If someone flatters you; because he knows somehow you have trouble in your relationship, then you also know he has the goods on you. There is the possibility he will throw it up in your face; after you've over-shared personal-details about your troubled-relationship. You'd look like you yourself was up to no-good. How would he know that?
If this was under investigation, you would probably swear she encouraged you, and liked it. If she got herself a good lawyer; your gifts and eye-witness accounts would be submitted as evidence. There could be other female-witnesses (who may have also been targets, or just don't like you) to corroborate her side of it. If she wrote her side of this to DC, I'd bet there would be an entirely different take on it.
Everybody here is giving you good advice that might protect you in the long-run. It might even give this woman a break; if you'd voluntarily back-off, before her boyfriend finds-out. He might have his own way of dealing with you. She may tell him her side, or make you look bad to protect herself; in the event that she did encourage you!
Being dissatisfied with your relationship doesn't mean you can't resolve your problems; and save it. Nor is it an invitation for your male co-workers to seize on the opportunity to make their move!
Your workplace is not your private dating-pool; and it might behoove you to find another place to render your romantic-pursuits...perhaps where you won't set yourself up for a sexual-harassment complaint!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 May 2020):
 " Next time I am going to have a sore hand " while smirking ?.. When I read that, I had to roll my eyes so hard that I saw my brain ! OP, are you for real ? That's one of the crassest and cringiest double-entendres that I have heard in years !
I suppose that in your country workplaces must be very unconcerned about sexual harassment -what you said could very likely get you in big trouble not only in USA but also in my country , Italy, which is somewhat remiss in protecting women against being molested at work ; yet, there's a limit …
One thing is being self -confident, all another is pursuing women with the finesse of a ton of bricks !
I understand that partially she is at fault too, because , rather than putting you back in your place, she just blushes and giggles and this makes you carry on . It could be that she blushes and giggles because she is shy / hasn't got the savvy/ guts / maturity to react otherwise to this kind of situations, i.e. that's the way she deals with men who make her uncomfortable. Or else , it could also be that she is coy and laps up the attention and the little gifts,- having a workplace suitor can be a big ego boost , and it helps killing time anyway. Other than that, no, I don't think she is smitten, just because she allows some banter. She had a boyfriend 6 months ago- and she still has the same boyfriend now, and with all your antics to get her attention,... all you got so far is some giggles. If she had been interested in changing partner, I'd bet she would have let it be known, either subtly or explicitely- but she did not. You can't count a few giggles as a positive encoragement !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2020): [EDIT]: Word duplicated in a sentence.
"This site gets mostly posts from women; but a large proportion of the posts from men are about women they want who are already taken, not really interested, or it's something about sex."
BTW...if she was dissatisfied with her relationship, why won't she leave him? There's a such a thing has hitting a snag, or a rough patch; and patching things up! It happens in relationships. Besides the fact her personal-life is none of your business.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2020): We receive dozens upon dozens of posts from men in particular, coveting the wives or girlfriends of other men; and drooling over women they work with. This site gets mostly posts from women; but a large proportion of the posts from men are about women they they want who are already taken, not really interested, or it's something about sex.
Now take things into perspective; and use some logic and commonsense. If she has a boyfriend, why should she be smitten with you? You're practically pushing yourself on her day after day; and doing your best to bribe her for her affections with gifts and constant flirtations. You're crossing boundaries and trying to wear her down. You are the typical male-harasser that is often portrayed in sexual-harassment seminars that have become necessary and mandatory in the workplace. What you've described of your behavior is text-book harassment. You see what you want to see, whether she resists you or not.
I'll simply things by saying this. If she was smitten with you, you would know it. Then there's something standing in your way you haven't dealt with. She has a man! You're tempting her into cheating on him, and you're going out of your way to destroy her relationship. You should be more concerned if your boss is satisfied with your work performance.
That's all I'm going to say about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2020): OP, I will stick to just the issues that you wrote about. First Sir, you are flirting with disaster! When she whispered your name and you asked if you should return, for some reason? She turned right around and told another coworker what you said, and how sweet that was. Already, your little flirtation is no longer a private and secret matter! Your employer pays his/her employees to do a certain job: not to flirt, not to say sweet things, not to whisper, not to give gifts! You have an ego the size of Texas my Friend. Is she smitten with you? No, she is taken by another man! You said that she is unhappy. You do not know that as a fact! You only know what she wants you to know, what she said. People lie all the time. If the boyfriend finds out, he may hurt you, or worse, and when the bf gets mad then her story will make you the only culprit! Then your employer will learn what YOU have been doing, and you will be sacked! Gifts to a taken lady are inappropriate as is your time together after work! Wise up Friend!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2020): This is an easy ego boost for her daily .. her relationship is in a rut .. she not happy but not that unhappy she ever leave . You flirt and banter and make sexual innuendo ( that's kinda gross to be honest) and she embarassed probably thinking what nelly but she continues as it's making her feel good .
You ask for advice and then complain when an aunt gives it .. and slap her hand as if she a naughty girl .. stick to the question.. okay simple answer .. nope this is going nowhere..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 May 2020):
 What do you hope to get out of all this?
That she will drop the "bad" BF ad date you?
No, she might not claim sexual harassments, she might enjoy the banter, but let's say things go sideways... When you behave unprofessionally at work, stuff happens.
And morally? Why pursue a woman with a BF?
But to answer your question:
Is she smitten with you? She might be charmed, she might be flattered but she might also be a tad uncomfortable even if she plays along. Because it's not really appropriate to be all flirty flirty banter with another guy than her BF, is it?
Lastly, no I don't think women are unable to fend for themselves but I do think some women don't set up firm boundaries with men they work with who starts (like you) crossing lines. She perhaps isn't blushing because she is charmed, but because it's an awkward situation. Or because she knows she isn't BEING a good GF or being professional at work.
Banter in the work place can be great fun, but there still need to be some boundaries, respect and professionalism.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (25 May 2020):
 Is SHE smitten with you? More like you're smitten with her!
You're flirting with her, trying to get her to like you, reading into her tone of voice, into her actions.
The only advice I could give you would be to stay away from this "lovely woman". Don't shit where you eat.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp  +, writes (25 May 2020):
Not sure how you think you are respecting her relationship. You are most certainly not respecting her fella, messing with her in this way. If you were to go out with her, would you be able to trust her? Would you be ok with her having the sort of relationship with someone else she currently has with you? You may be fooling yourself but people on this site are not idiots. Leave her to sort out her relationship and stop toying with her. You are well out of order. If you were doing that to my missus, I would be having some choice words with you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 May 2020):
 She may not be cheating physically but is definitely cheating emotionally on her partner. If she was YOUR girlfriend and was acting in this way with a "colleague", how would that make you feel? I bet you wouldn't feel "respected". Does her partner know about your "chats" and about the little gifts? Silly question. Of course he doesn't.
If she is not happy, she needs to end the relationship and walk away. Then you and she will be free to do whatever you please (assuming you are single). I wonder if you will still be as attracted to her once the chase is over and she is single.
Stop kidding yourself that you are respecting her relationship. You are doing nothing of the sort.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (25 May 2020):
 You say you respect her relationship …. so what's the deal with all the little gifts then, do you also gift your other work colleagues?
If this woman with whom you are playing footsie under the table instead of working was interested in a relationship with you she would not be staying in a relationship where she is dissatisfied.
She's not smitten, she's playing. I bet if her partner found out about you and your "little gifts" the games would stop in an instant.
I believe I have stuck to the question with my answer.
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A
male
reader, IFeelUsed +, writes (25 May 2020):
IFeelUsed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe is NOT happy and she has said that. You obviously think women are children and unable to fend for themselves in a basic way. She enjoys the banter. She initiates it about half the time. If she never initiated I wouldn't do it. We talk a lot and I will ask her one question when we are alone and she'll talk for more than an hour while I sit there and listen with a dumb content smile on my face. It's not harassment. Clearly. If she hated it she would not respond and initiate. Stick to the question please. Thanks!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 May 2020):
You say you "respect" her relationship and that you are a good guy. What a load of bullshit.
You are buttering her up, laying it on thick.
Gifts and flirting? That is courtship, not a friendly coworker.
It's not your job to "satisfy" her need for attention if her relationship isn't going so great. You are definitely NOT helping her work on that. But you know that.
You are showing off. Hoping she will see just how AMAZING you are.
Be honest. At least with yourself.
Stop playing games and BE professional at work. You are ripe for a sexual harassments suit if she decides she no longer wants to play games at work.
You ae in your 30's, not your late teens.
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