A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, hope everyone is staying safe and coping well during the pandemic.So I'm in a relatively new relationship, about 6 months with my boyfriend who is 1 year older than me. We met on a dating app. I thought we had got on well when we would message everyday and he would take the initiative to ask me out. As time passed, I realised that even in the early stages, he was okay with just meeting once a week and had I not suggested we can meet up for lunch on some weekdays he would not have done so. Now my country is in lockdown, so going out except for essential matters is not allowed. I expected that during this time, more effort would be put in to maintain the relationship. But he thinks that there's nothing to talk about anyway since we're all staying at home. His love language supposedly is quality time (same as mine) but he says he can go without seeing his partner for extended periods of time. I tried phone calls, video calls and true enough, met with some awkward silence and he will propose to hang up after a while. Another issue is our communication nowadays. I'm not sure if the prolonged staying at home is getting to me, but I feel triggered by his responses to some of my messages. I asked him if his busy period has ended (he's an accountant so needs to do the closing for the company), and he replied he has told me many times he's busy on the first and last week of the months. To clarify, I knew full well about this fact and asked this in the second week, which I don't think is too far a stretch. I felt hurt as I was trying to initiate some conservation. When we watch Netflix together and I comment on certain parts of the movie, his replies take the enjoyment out by saying it's just the script writing etc. It makes me not feel like proposing to watch movies again. He doesn't initiate any conversation here either. I've tried to raise these issues with him, but I feel I tend to focus on the emotional side of things while he is on the logical side. So if I ask him to communicate more, he will, but it feels mechanical and superficial to me.So the main issues I'm having are:1) What to talk about during lockdown/quarantine since we rarely step foot out of the house2) Is it normal that he doesn't feel like he needs to meet, considering the early stage of the relationship?I really don't know if the lockdown has affected my perception of things. What can I do to improve matters?
View related questions:
period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hilary  +, writes (27 May 2020):
 With millions of single people out there who are looking for a serious relationship why stick with one where it is hard work, more bad bits than good bits and not really compatible?
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (25 May 2020):
 " he says he can go without seeing his partner for extended periods of time."
He had already given you all the answers you need. If he can go for long periods without seeing you, then he does not want to see you.
The lockdown is actually a benifit. It shows you exactly what kind of guy you are dating. Because of the lockdown, he cannot chase after you for sex. So he has no interest in you, because he cannot get what he really wants.
If you want to be used for sex, then stick around. If you want a real relationship...then find someone who wants the same thing, and who wants to be around you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2020): Hey WiseOwl, I'm the original poster. I needed a place to rant and am happy to see your message to talk some sense into me! Thank you very much for your advice!
I absolutely agree everyone needs their own time. Gaming is a huge hobby for me so it's taken up a lot of my free time recently (good thing there are 2 major releases in April!). I would love it even if we just exchange some sweet words so I know he's thinking of me. But most of the time he doesn't reach out if I don't do it first (I've tried not messaging for up to 4 days, he still didn't). And when we do talk, it feels like he didn't really care to continue the conversation.
I'm definitely holding back on the contacting for now, and doing more of my own things so I can keep things balanced. But I can't exactly ignore the voice in my head telling me that if he doesn't show any interest in talking, maybe we're not on the same wavelength after all. I know this difficult period may be affecting how I see things, so I'll probably wait till we can go out again to see how things go.
I'm glad to see you and your boyfriend found a system that works for both of you! I hope I can do the same!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2020): I would back off and let him come to me when he has the time or the head space to think about his new relationship. If you keep on at him, requiring that he communicates with you on YOUR time line, he will get exasperated. I think he is showing you that he is feeling that way already with his curt responses. You can't make him want to communicate regularly with you, but you can piss him off to the point where he won't want to at all. Give the guy a break. He's obviously finding this constant getting in touch when there isn't much to say, irritating.
As for his responses to you, I'm sure you know that men and women are wired differently, women more on the emotional side and men more logical. He is what he is! You can't change the way he perceives life. This is why women need to keep their female friends and men need to talk with men who speak their language! There are degrees of this of course, I once had a lovely man who was manly but could also discuss subjects as if I was talking to another woman, but this is rare!
You come across as if you are too needy and he is not enjoying that. There has to be a middle ground. If he doesn't want to be in touch as much as you do, then surprise him and let him concentrate on other things. He may be someone who can only really deal with what's in front of him. When he sees you after lockdown, he may well be very pleased to see you, but only if you give him the space he needs!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2020): Answer to your Question #1:
If you don't know what to talk about; perhaps you don't know each other's interests, and might not share much in-common. If you have nothing to talk about, it makes no sense to make idle-chat about nothing. You have to learn to wait until there IS something to talk about; and not be so needy for attention. You're dating an "accountant!" They are often introverts..."numbers-geeks" or nerds, and they live inside their heads! It might be best to just check on each other, exchange some sweet-talk, and make sure you're both well and safe. If nothing comes to mind to talk about, end the call.
Answer to Question #2:
The timing is bad to be starting a new relationship; considering those that are well-established are hitting snags and bumps as well. You are an adult, and very much capable of thinking logically, as well as emotionally. If you're bored with yourself; perhaps you need to find something you can do with your idle-time, besides fretting and thinking of things to get upset about.
You might need to get yourself a craft project or learn a new hobby. Even if you can't go to brick and mortar stores; you can still get things online. I've been gardening like crazy, and it's my obsession! My garden is going to look like something out of Homes and Gardens Magazine; considering my favorite gardening center is only 3 miles away! I chat with my guy everyday for about five minutes. He's living with his parents for now, and runs errands for them; and takes them out just for rides or walks to get fresh-air. He otherwise, has work projects to do blueprints and make preparation for. Some construction projects are in-progress and ongoing; building fancy patios and installing pools. He had slowed-down construction, and some of his workers are just coming back from furlough. He has several projects lined-up; but he takes time-off to see after his folks.
If you have a lot of time on your hands, help-out some of the elders in your family. Call and do a health-check, or see if they need you to run errands for them. Stay busy doing whatever is safe and constructive. Send your boyfriend sweet messages to remind him you're thinking of him. Don't fret if he doesn't respond to each and everyone. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. He may be busy like I am most of my day. This is my distraction to get my mind off business!!! Otherwise, I'd go nuts!
You seem to have an introverted-guy; or someone like my boyfriend and me, who don't really like messaging or spending a lot of time on social media. I'm currently working from home, have hours of meetings over ZOOM throughout the course of the day; and I'm still helping people at DC! It all keeps me quite busy and stimulated. I call each of my siblings, check on cousins, and do a round of calls checking on my friends. They are always glad to hear from me. They know they have a good listener to vent to. That's why I'm here for you! Maybe you have a thoughtful opinion or some advice for another poster here on DC!
Be patient with your new boyfriend. Give him a chance to miss you. Stop "demanding" reassurance, and showing-off your insecurities; or you'll irritate him to the point of ghosting you altogether. This is no time to nag or irritate each-other. We have to maintain patience through the pandemic shutdown. Be mindful and understanding that everyone has their own issues and concerns to contend with; and we're all trying to find ways to cope with being home-confined. Instead of being angry, and requiring him to keep you entertained like a child starving for attention; give him some breathing-room, and allow him time to miss you enough to want to hear from you. If you sit there on the phone with hardly anything to talk about; either of you could be using the time to be doing something constructive or stimulating, until you feel like talking to each-other. That's what me and my guy do!
...............................
|
