A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a very long term friendship with a woman. Her marriage has been dead for many years but stays because of her high school children and financial reasons. My marriage has been over for 10 years. During coffee last week , sex became a topic. She said she hasn't had sex in over 5 years because she can't stand the thought of her husband touching her. Her psycologyst told her she was amazed she hasn't had an affair and wouldn't blame her if she did. I told her she could have sex with me anytime she wanted to. She thanked me for the offer and said "I really can't have sex with you as much as I want to. It would still be infidelity even in a sexless marriage". I have no problem respecting her values, but is it really infidelity when your in a sexless marriage and haven't had sex with your spouse in over 5 years?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 November 2011):
What Honeypie said. The reason you are asking this on here shows that deep down you know exactly what it is and that it's wrong.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 November 2011):
 It is still infidelity. No matter how you toss and turn it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2011): let me ask you this. Despite how "dead" and sexless your respective marriages are, would you actually tell your spouses that you want to sleep with each other? Probably not. That very fact alone means it would be infidelity. on the other hand, if you're honest to your spouses that you want to sleep with other people, and somehow your spouses are perfectly OK with it, then I dont' consider it infidelity. Infidelity involves the lying and betrayal of a marriage partner. There's 3 ways to avoid the lies and betrayals: (a) don't engage in that activity with another person to begin with. (b) get permission from your spouse, being completely open and honest with them about what it is you want to do with other people. (c) end your marriage contracts so that there's nothing to violate by doing the deed with someone new. See, you have options to address this situation without resorting to infidelity. None of them are easy or pain-free, but the options exist so the only excuse not to take any of them is being lazy or cowardly.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 November 2011):
 Send her to reads this, it's another advice site, but about the same question, and a really in depth answer:
http://blogs.news.com.au/bossy/index.php/news/comments/my_wife_is_unable_to_meet_my_needs_sexually_is_it_wrong_for_me_to_go_elsewh
Then again, don't offer yourself up on a plate like some gigolo. You're only lowering her respect for you, and come off as interested purely in sex. If you truly are her friend then set her up with someone else you know, not yourself, and let your friendship stay friendly. Just to avoid the drama and avoid risking the friendship.
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (25 November 2011):
Everyone has an opinion, but I see it as this. If she doesnt love the guy and really dont see him as her husband then she not. People on here are telling you about the vows she took. In their minds they're local court has more authority than god. No one should sleep with anyone they dont love or want too.
Their's not a court here in the usa will enforce any sex laws against anyone who doesnt want to have sex. Awarding any awards towards the plaintiff would be govt sex trade.
I think in your case, it how you two feel about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2011): If you're both married it is still infidelity unless you are both in open relationships and your partners are ok with you having sex with other people. That is pretty obvious, so why are you asking this here? Remember that when you add sex into a relationship where it doesn't belong and with no respect for the emotions it can bring into play you're playing with fire.
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A
female
reader, mammaboo  +, writes (25 November 2011):
 Yes it is im afraid.If you are both suffering financially and relationship wise maybe you should talk more about your situations and see if you can work this out between. Life is to short to be unhappy!
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (25 November 2011):
 Absoloutly its still infidelity.
I'm afraid just because she doesnt WANT to have sex with her husband (which is her perogative!), it doesnt make it OK to sleep with someone behind his back.
I would think that she needs to talk to her hubby about the situation. He is also stuck in a sexless marriage - but even worse, he has a woman who hates the thought of him touching her.
Perhaps between them they can come to some agreement. It may be that they will keep the pretence of marriage, but agree they can both have discreet affairs. Perhaps divorce is actually the right thing for them, or perhaps they would both prefer to carry on regardless.
You mention that your marriage has been over for 10 years. Does this mean you are divorced and single, or are you too stuck in a sexless marriage?
If the latter, are you cheating or are you in an open marriage?
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (25 November 2011):
 It's still infidelity. It doesn't matter how long she's been married. If she had an affair, she would be throwing her marriage vows out the window. And if she's not happy, then she can't complain unless she tries to fix that with counseling or at least telling her partner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2011): Sexless marriage, she could be taken to court for abuse/neglect as marriage is a part of sex, affection, initimacy and it could be seen as alienation.
So Hubby must also be okay with no sex from his Legal Wife and has some Action on the Side.
I can't believe a therapist would even suggest to have sex outside of a marriage.
She chooses to stay and with it, then should be honouring her vows and commitments.
I'd stay the hell away from her because that sounds like BS to me. IF she doesn't, or you for that matter, don't have the balls to walk away, then you still, legally and morally vowed to maintain fidelity to your spouses.
What a fricken mess !
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2011): You're only hearing her side. Hubby might have a different version of events.
Meet him privately, ask him how often he has sex with his wife to confirm her story, and then request permission to have an affair with his wife.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 November 2011):
 unless you have permission from the spouse, it's infidelity.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 November 2011):
 Yes it is still infidelity.
When you take your marriage vows you vow to love each other for better for worse, and a sex free period (however long) counts as 'worse'. There is no get out clause when you get married that says 'if you stop having sex and cant be bothered to make the effort to fix it you can go and have sex with whoever you want'.
It is her own fault for being in a sexless marriage, if she cant stand her husband touching her then she needs to fix that - either with marriage counselling or she needs to get divorced. Having an affair is not going to help matters, it would only make things worse for her.
Put yourself in the husband's shoes - now we dont know what exactly is wrong with their marriage as that is between the two of them, however we do know that it is HER that has stopped having sex, because she cant stand her husband touching her. So it is HER decision to not have sex anymore, so imagine the husband who will be feeling totally rejected, unloved, unattractive and unwanted because his wife wont let him touch her anymore.
Just imagine how that would feel for a minute, then think about how you would feel if you then found out your wife who wont have sex with you is sleeping around behind your back - you would definitely feel betrayed wouldnt you! It will still be an infidelity to the husband because his wife is depriving him of sex yet looking outside the marriage for other men. That is very very wrong.
If they both discussed together that an open marriage is what they both want and they are comfortable with that idea then fine - that would technically be infidelity but at least both parties are being honest about it and open about their cheating. Not that I am suggesting an open marriage would be a good idea though, they never work!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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