A
male
age
41-50,
*rCee
writes:My wife and I have been married for 13 years, and I love her with all of my heart. I'm more attracked to her now than when we first got married. However, I don't think that she's all thatattracked to me anymore. Our sex life sucks. I want it all of the time and she never wants it at all. Some times we stay uplate nights talking, laughing , holding hands and all in bed. On the nights we plan to have sex she turns in early. We only havesex maybe 2 or 3 times out of the month. My question is this; How can I tell if my wife is sexually attracked to me, beacauseI'm really feeling like she's not. Some one please help.
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male
reader, redfire +, writes (26 August 2013):
So... Looks like it has been two years, but since I am feeling the same thing, I thought I post a reply.
Brief History:
I've been married to my wifeo for 20 years and together for over 21 years. She is nine years older than me and when we met, I had just retired from Pro Wrestling out of Dallas. We had sex 3 to 5 times a week at first (first 3 to 4 years). Then after our last son was born in '95 and he finished the nursing bit etc, it was like a switch turned on, or OFF in this case and it went down to something like 4 to 6 times per month. Not a problem so much then. Then for the past 17 years, it is like living witht he ice queen when it comes to sex. I was always afraid that because I am 9 years younger, I'd perhaps loose my attraction for my wife, but the exact opposite is the case. She says all is fine and that she is still attracted and "desires me", but you would not know it by her lack,and I mean COMPLETE and TOTAL LACK of initiative in the bedroom. I have met all of the claimed excuses over the years, (i.e., well if I only idd not have tow rok. Did that, check. But it only got worse believe it or not. For the past two years, I kept a journal. On average we have sex about once every 26 days. And ONLY when after many nights of rejection, she gives in. For me it is not solely about having an orgasm. It is about feeling like my wife is attracted to me and desires me in the same way I still do her. But it is not to be.
I am at the end of my rope and just don't know what to do. How do you resolve a problem, when one of you, in this case my wife, refuses to acknowledge that a problem exists? I might as well be having sex with a plastic doll it seems sometimes. I will not even go as far as shaming myself to tell you how disinterested she actually is. Any thoughts.
A
female
reader, Blonde68  +, writes (29 January 2011):
More often than not, some couples who have been in a long term relationship/marriage, become a little lazy, and as much as they probably think about having sex, they then think... Oh I can't be arsed, I just want to go to sleep when I get to bed!
Why don't you try the kissing and cuddling, and holding hands on the sofa and get a little intimate rather than waiting until bedtime... it doesn't always have to be in the bedroom. (and for me, planned sex can be a real time off). Perhaps your sex life is missing a little spice. Why not take a bath or shower together, light some candles, put some soft music on, pour a glass of wine and try something different. I must say, as much as I love sex, it can be quite boring when you start getting to the stage where is bedtime and you have to start performing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): This makes me smile. Do it the old-fashioned way - "court" her all-over again and remind her of why she fell in love with you in the first place. Dont come across as too desperate but just do little things that make her smile.
Dont plan and hope for sex just yet, just enjoy each others company and if that leads to sex, great! If it doesnt then make it known that its fine too. Women like the romance regardless of status and its nice just to hold and recharge the connection again. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, missm83 +, writes (29 January 2011):
 i never been married..but i was engaged for 3 yrs (we broke it off) but i know how shes feeling... setting planned time for sex is the worst thing you can do... me and him were both in our mid 20's ( im 27now) our sex life went down hill after a year.... we didnt talk about it..we fought about it. we had held hands and cuddled, kissed..but when it came to sex i felt pressured..it seemed to me he did all of that just for sex. i also have few female issues that stop me from having sex all the time.. he thought i was making it up so we wouldnt have sex..that hurt me more then anything... all can say is..talk about it , the longer you go with out resolving this issues the longer it will take to fix it. i also use to dress up for him, and i tried to spice it up with a sexy dance, toys..food...all he wanted was sex nothing else..and when we were done he would get up shower and sit on the couch watch tv , left me laying in our bad... feeling kinda used...So..talk talk talk!!! spice it up! maybe make a video?!or watch sexy movies together...goodluck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): Why are there nights when you are 'planning' to have sex? The holding hands in bed, and laughing when you are both relaxed, should be part of your foreplay and move on from there to sex.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 January 2011):
It sounds to me like she really loves you, and is attracted to you. But maybe she's not that confident. If you were in bed not holing hands, and not laughing and such, then I'd say you had a problem. As it is, you might well get somewhere to talk to her. Try talking to her gently and explain that you'd like to have sex more . See what she says.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Velvet +, writes (29 January 2011):
 You should talk to your wife. I'm going to guess she is roughly about the same age as you so it's not about being shy. If she takes medication (anything from diabetes medication to depression) it might be causing her to have a lower sex drive than normal. If you laugh and still hold hands that means there is still a connection there. It could be depression, it effects everyone different so you might talk to her about that if she's showing signs. It might NOT be depression though, so just remember to be calm when you talk about it.My best advice for you, ask her what's going on. Let her know you are feeling a little insecure about her attraction to you. Are you both keeping yourselves healthy? That might have something to do with it, or perhaps it's time to spice up the bedroom? Maybe you and she could watch porn together, or find some other activity that would please you, but keep the pressure off of her for performing. I hope it goes well for you, and things work out.Good Luck,Blue Velvet
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