A
male
age
36-40,
*onathan_foo
writes:We are in our early twenties. We have been dating nearly four years (having met in high school). Things were passionate but have died down steadily. I truly love her personality (at least the positive part of it). But there are things that have been getting in the way. I don't know exactly what happened, but I lost almost all my sexual attraction for her. For the last four years we have spent nearly every night together. I: - Am a programmer and designer - Work full-time - Have many side projects (I hope to be self-employed ASAP) - Live with my parents (saving for a down-payment and spending almost nothing) - Love to learn - Am passionate about, and truly love, what I do - Hate wasting time (i.e. I _need_ to be productive) - Am happy when I do things (I have dozens of hobbies) - Am anal retentive - Have a very small, but strong, core group of friends She: - Is in school full-time - Works nearly full-time - Has a few weak friends - Tends to be sloppy - Has a fairly negative outlook on lifeWhy did I lose my sexual attraction? Was it all the minor annoyances that added up?It greatly bothers me when she: - Doesn't cap the toothpaste and lets it crust completely over - Can't park straight enough, close enough, or centered enough (I find it inconsiderate to others) - Tailgates people (I have told her it makes me feel very uneasy, but she either insists she is not close, or says I'm being a backseat driver) - Can't cap plastic bottles, leading to a loss of carbonation and/or an infliction of stress on me when I lift a bottle out of the fridge via its cap - Parks in the middle of the driveway, seemingly forgetting that others need to get in/out (despite repeated requests over the last few years to "please park on the side") Am I nit-picky or is she inconsiderate? What's strange is that she cares for others, but seems to only have herself on her mind.Other annoyances: - Complains constantly about "having to go to work" yet feels the need to show up an hour early (this is a slight exaggeration) - Asks "what do you want to do?" but has no hobbies. A lot of my suggestions are turned down and we end up watching TV - She is not passionate about anythingWhat I do wrong: - Don't take her out on many dates (as a result of either being busy or just lack of passion) - Often show up late (because I want to get something done and know we'll just be watching TV or something)I'd appreciate an outside observer's perspective on our relationship. I feel like I've lost sight of the big picture.Questions: - Are we just incompatible? Was that attraction to her personality not enough? - What caused the "spark" to die and is it worth it (and possible to) reinvigorate it? - What is a busy guy like me supposed to do? I'd love to have a "soul mate" but I fear that my undying love for learning and doing will prevent me from giving another person enough attention. - I am seriously worried about what she would do if I broke up with her. She has almost nothing other than me...No idea what to do.
View related questions:
broke up, live with my parents Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 January 2011):
It isn't selfish to focus on yourself, if you have no one else that you're committed to.
i.e. If you keep her around whilst focusing on your life, that's selfish. But if it's just you and the world, no one else gets hurt. That's not selfish.
Also, I thought you might say that there was more to this than just what you posted. I do think that this has gone as far as it can. There's no sense in settling at a young age with someone who isn't right for you, when you can go live life an meet someone you really like later on.
A
male
reader, jonathan_foo +, writes (29 January 2011):
jonathan_foo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst, a few clarifications: - The annoyances I listed, while "insignificant", really are just scratching the surface. - I am truly and utterly anal retentive. It's who I am, she knows this, and accepts this. I grew up in a home where common sense and thoughtfulness were extremely important values. The fact that she lacks quite a bit in both is very hard on me. - I'm not sure if I would say she has ambition. She feels insecure unless she is working. But has no urge to "move up" from horrible jobs. She has no hobbies. She does not maintain friendships.--- FloridaCatGirl: - We are not married (although I was thinking about "relationship counseling" if there is such a thing) - Thank you for the advice. I will also look at "the stages of love".--- CaringGuy: - You are correct in that it feels "dead" - The list I posted may be small but it applies to much more - But is it selfish for one to "focus on themselves" or is it just one way of life?---TalkTime: - Re-evaluating my ambitions in life is a good idea. But as I said, I have a core set of ambitions (learning/doing) that I focus on and that bring me happiness - As I wrote above, I would not call her "ambitious". Other than school and work (which she has a negative attitude towards), she doesn't do anything. - I really should communicate more with her. But sometimes she blocks me out. I have raised my concerns about unsafe or inconsiderate driving, but she flips it around on me and ends up blaming me for something. - I would definitely not break up with her in a rash way. I truly care about her, but I fear it's as a friend and not a significant other.--- A female reader, anonymous: - Your boyfriend sounds extremely similar to me. - As somebody who takes a lot of pride in doing things the best way possible, it's very hard when your S.O. does not return the favor - And this brings me to an important point. *Are the "anal-retentive-to-the-bone" type compatible with people who are not?* ----Thank you all for the advice. It truly means a lot to me to get an outside perspective.
...............................
A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (29 January 2011):
 No, it doesn’t sound like you are incompatible. Most couples have separate interests that the spouse has zero interest in. Personality is one of the most important traits that one should look at when considering a spouse, so no worries there!
Every relationship experiences a point where the spark seems to die. That’s why all marriages take work. Through communication on effort from both partners, it is possible to reignite that lost passion. I once read about the different stages of love that all relationships seem to follow. I encourage you to run a search for stages of love on the internet.
Both you and your wife have busy schedules. This is more a matter of “making” the time necessary to improve and maintain your relationship. It doesn’t mean you have to give up your love for learning and doing other things. It’s a matter of managing your time wisely.
Before you even consider leaving your wife, you need to give marriage counseling a try. In fact, I highly recommend that you two look into doing that now. By the way, the examples you gave us about your wife’s annoying habits, are ridiculously insignificant. In other words, you should be grateful that’s all she does! In any relationship, especially when you move in together, you will find habits that bother you.
One more thing… I love the time and effort you put into formatting your question. It was very informative! Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 January 2011):
This relationship sounds totally dead.
I think, in fairness, you're being a bit harsh in that list. It's a small list, of things that mean next to nothing in comparison to other lists I've seen. That said, if these little things are getting to you, then when bigger things come along your relationship will all even further.
From what you've written here, there doesn't seem to be a reason to stay together. You seem to be almost too busy anyway, and on top of that there are too many things that you're worried about in her.
I think you'd do better to be a single man focusing on your own life for a while. You've got a lot of time to focus on yourself. I would do that and let her go.
...............................
A
male
reader, TalkTime +, writes (29 January 2011):
I believe the main question to take into consideration here is "Whats your ambition in life in terms of women", you seem like you can afford to take the time out and ponder this.
Establishing the answer to this question is actually pretty important, because if you choose be the type of guy to get married and commit to someone elses life aswell as your own, you want to make sure the ouput is worth what you put in. I guess an example of this would be that i would spend a grand on my mattress alone because i spend a just under a third of my life time sleeping - Its worth what i put in for a long lasting quality output. same applies with companionship, you don't want to lay your lifes earnings to a woman you're not attracted to.
"dont set your standards too high, you may spend the rest of your life alone"
I understand people have different tolerance spans but seriously? one of the reasons your contemplating ending a four year relationship is because she leaves the cap off the toothpaste? (thats what i mean by setting your standards too high) you both sound like a fully functional couple ( both have income, both drive etc) not a couple of slackers in other words which is ideal for happy house hold when your older. there are obviously ALOT of other factors to consider such as her personality and capabilities but she sounds as though she has ambition which is certainly a strong point.
Taking on another persons happiness is a responsibility of its own. you mentioned she has nearly nothing else other than you. for that reason i think you should take her well being into account, sure its your life and if you want to end it then go for it, just make sure you take the steps in the right direction. you shouldn't just split up with her out of the blue, i recommend raising the issues clearly and how she can go about correcting them, if after that she hasn't then atleast you have reason behind ending it, but please dont end it because she dont put the cap on the toothpaste. you could raise a point about how you dislike her inconsideration to others when she's up the ass of the car infront etc ya'know, meaningful reasons.
one final thing i'd like to say is if you do choose to go ahead and end it, be a gentleman about it and dont go making any rash actions at her expense. i.e. getting a new GF and rubbing it in her face or taking away any financial covers for her, after all you have been committed for four years, it cant just end at the drop of a hat.
you sound like an enthusiastic young man who has great potential in life keep it that way for long enough and everything will fall into place for ya'.
get back to me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): Now you have listed all the negative sides of her personality how about I share mine with you.My boyfriend continually reminds me of my flaws: I like to watch soaps and this annoys my boyfriend no end. He says they are for morons.I wear my socks in bed. This annoys him because I leave them in bed when I get hot. He finds them in the morning and complains.I like to leave books in the cloakroom to read which annoys my boyfriendI don't wash up very well, this annoys my boyfriend.I sometimes pass wind discreetly, this annoys himI leave wet towels crooked on the rail, this annoys himI dont clean my car every month, this annoys him.I dont drive as well as he would like, this annoys himDo you see what I am getting at? All this makes me feel like I dont know why I bother trying to please him because all he sees are my negative sides.
...............................
|
