A
male
age
51-59,
*KW
writes:My wife slept with someone behind my back some time ago. I found out about it, and I have forgiven her. Then more recently she saw the guy out in a bar, a chance meeting according to her, and talked with him. Again, I found out, she says, they just talked about their lives now, and he expressly said he wasn't interested in her, she should concentrate on her marriage. She says she wasn't trying anything on with him anyway.She was 17 when I met her, so she was very inexperienced. We've been together for 17 years now, and she's now 34, apparently a woman's sexual prime? She says she's going through a phase, and it'll end soon, apparently she's confused about the future, and wonders about not having more fun before she met me.Then she went out with an old friend who I trust. They came in at 3.00 AM, no sooner had we fallen asleep then her phone rang. She wouldb't say who it was. The next morning, I asked again. An atmosphre was now brewing up, so I left it. Eventually, she began to cry and said she had to be honest with me, it's only fair. It was a guy she sees out and about all the time, apparently he was very drunk and wondering around the club.. wondering where she was, thats why he phoned. They just have drinks and dance a little, well that's not so bad, as I have female friends who I see when I'm out in town.She swore she was not interested in him, he's not her type if she was, and also that one of my oldest trusted male friends was with her on that night. This was true.Now I know I shouldn't have done it, but a couple of days ago I looked at her phone. She had rang this guy a few times since that night. She sent a text to one of her friends saying she was gonna drop by his place, it souned casual enough, but who knows? Then I saw yesterdays call log, she rang him twice and then texted him in the evening to say - get this - "Hi babe, I'm dropping by to pick up my earring from your place."She sent a txt to another friend though, saying "Are you nervous about tomorrow night?" When i asked about what this friend was doing at the weekend, all polite interest, she said - nothing, she's on her own!So - do you think -1 She's seeing this guy intimately.2 She's seeing this guy platonically3 Her friend is seeing this guy and they don't want me to know for whatever reason.4 I am an idiot and a fool for tolerating all of this and should think about seperating?5 I should come clean, tell her I looked at her phone, and get her to explain herself, no matter how painful it may be for both of us?I don't want to lose her, we have two children, a mortgage, and I still dearly love her.Thanks
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male
reader, DJ8433  +, writes (30 October 2008):
 She's shagging other men without a doubt. Don't tell her anything about her phone messages. Now if you want to know "for certain", follow her on one of her outings or hire a private eye. If you don't move off your current situation, it will absolutely 100% paralize you and consume you until you take control of your life. I undertand how you feel, I have been where you are. She has lost respect for you as a man, and if you continue to stay with her when you know she is shagging other men, you will continue to have no respect for yourself. You feel like and idiot, because you don't respect yourself, because you have given your trust to another person and they broke that trust...now you feel like you are daily being manipulated and controlled. Take your life and control back. There are 34 million women in England, just look in the personals for women that have been cheated on. They're all hurt, just like you. They have kids, just like you, but they took their control back. She's not "a find" mate, this is for sure. She's a thief and a liar. She took your heart and broke it, and is lies about it daily. Life is way too damn short to live under someone elses control. Leave her, find someone that will treat you with respect and dignity. You owe it to yourself.
A
male
reader, DKW +, writes (13 October 2008):
DKW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, some time has passed now, I think it's all sorted now.She was NOT seeing this guy intimately. One of her skanky friends is. She is married to a policeman and is juggling three guys behind his back, she has two kids! I wish my wife wouldn't associate with this person, but I need to back off from the possessive/suspicious thing, or I will push her away.Recently, I went away with my mates for a long weekend in another city, I've been told she was worried sick about me and got quite emotional about the thought of me cheating on her (I didn't). I'm not proud of making her upset, but I am proud that she 's getting feelings back for me, it's injected some fresh passion into our relationship, she couldn't keep her hands off me!She making long term plans with me about finances, next year's holiday, etc. so things are looking good. She's cut back on the nights out, and I'm getting some more nights out now too. It's putting mystery into our personlaties as we see each other, and I love it.Thanks for all the advice.
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A
male
reader, DKW +, writes (27 September 2008):
DKW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe answers you guys have given me have shaken me to be honest. I really don't want to lose her, I'd never meet anyone like her again, she really is that good a catch.
This rocky spell started a long time ago, see my other questions if you want the whiole rigmarole, but I really thought she'd got it out of her system by sleeping with the first guy. Hell, we were talking about threesomes and stuff six months ago to liven things up!
I know we can't part amicably, I would begin to hate her, and I don't want my kids to go through that. She has a big support network of friends who totally agree with her, her mother would let her move in, it's all there for her! I have nowhere to go, all my friends are married or partnered, my mother lives a way away.
We still have sex - shouldn't that give me a glimmer of hope that we still have something? This situation really is far more complicated than I can describe here, there are friends who influence her who have the craziest lives and twisted ideas about marriage you can imagine.
She says it all comes down to wether she got the old feelings she had for me back again, we have to see what happens. But how can I "woo" her back again if she's got thoughts of other guys in her head?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): The Truth hurts, but he had her number quite simply because SHE GAVE HIM IT, so he could contact her it is black and white, sorry
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (26 September 2008):
 you sound way too nice
wake up
4 I am an idiot and a fool for tolerating all of this and should think about seperating?
i dont think you should separate but why have you let this get so far, you sound so nice and so easy going how could you tolerate this. it seems like she has been playing away as when he wrang it might have been to initiate contact.
maybe go to counselling for marriage NOW!
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (26 September 2008):
you sound way too nice
wake up
4 I am an idiot and a fool for tolerating all of this and should think about seperating?
i dont think you should separate but why have you let this get so far, you sound so nice and so easy going how could you tolerate this. it seems like she has been playing away as when he wrang it might have been to initiate contact.
maybe go to counselling for marriage NOW!
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (26 September 2008):
you sound way too nice
wake up
4 I am an idiot and a fool for tolerating all of this and should think about seperating?
i dont think you should separate but why have you let this get so far, you sound so nice and so easy going how could you tolerate this. it seems like she has been playing away as when he wrang it might have been to initiate contact.
maybe go to counselling for marriage NOW!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): You definetly need to come clean and let her know you know about those messages. If it is nothing then it will only be building honesty in your relationship. If it's some crazy excuse seeing as how she cheated on you before, I'd say you have a reason to be curious and you should trust your instincts. You've been with this woman for years, I'm sure you will be able to determine what's truth and what isn't. Just ask her flat out while telling her why you would belive something like that.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (26 September 2008):
 1 She's seeing this guy intimately.
Impossible to answer acurately on a web site, BUT it looks very likely. Feeling she hadn't lived enough is a common one, I went through that 9 yrs after getting with my childrens dad, and it sucks because you know the guy you're with is great, but its like theres this whole world that you haven't experienced yet as a single free person able to come n go and do as you please with no explaining to anyone. And for some reason you have the urge to do. You dont want to feel like it, but you do. Its a real confusing time to be honest.
2 She's seeing this guy platonically
Very unlikely, but not an impossibility hun! It could be as innocent as enjoying the flattery.
3 Her friend is seeing this guy and they don't want me to know for whatever reason.
Hmmm I doubt it. Do you?
4 I am an idiot and a fool for tolerating all of this and should think about seperating?
Whoooah, dont go jumping to definate conclusions just yet and making life changing decisions before you know any hard facts. Even if she fancies the guy, with couple counselling, you could both get through a phase if there is one, she's not getting any younger now, and thankfully is probably mature enough to be realsing the grass isn't always greener, even having led a somewhat 'sheltered life' if thats how we can put it.
5 I should come clean, tell her I looked at her phone, and get her to explain herself, no matter how painful it may be for both of us?
This is pretty much the best next port of call in my opinion. Its not like you haven't had reason to feel insecure lately, and thats even just based on what she has admitted herself.
Keep us posted.
Good luck.
C xxxxxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): You can't control another person. And your wife is out of control.As i see it you have a few options.1 Put up with her behaviour and slowly die inside.2 Have some fun of your own, see if a taste of her own medicine as any effect.3 Divorce4 Divorce and fight for custody. 5 Live single lives under same roofGood luck
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A
female
reader, hello kitty 101 +, writes (26 September 2008):
 i think 3 4 and 5 i know you love yor kids bout you can see them evevn if your not with her you should not but your self through this if she loved you and cared about you she would not cheat on you you can try to see about seeing a doctor who helps with this kind of problem if that doesnt not work then you need to take the next step and tell her if she dont stop this nosence you will leave and if it doesnt work then leave for a couple of days with the kids and see how that works if it dont its time to seprate im sorry if that does happen good luck to you and yuor family i hope it works out for you
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A
female
reader, taina1980 +, writes (26 September 2008):
you're definetely not an idiot... you love your wife it doesn't make you stupid... she actin suspicious ofcourse your doing what anyone in your position(even her) would do...dont sneak around or show her you suspect something... I know its hard but at a time like this its best to act as natural as possible... show her you trust her & discreetly pay attention to her behavior, who she's going out with, when she's going out etc.. if you act insecure or suspicious she will just figure out more clever ways to get away with her infidelities.... definitely she's cheating!why I don't know...catch her in the act & rid yourself of these doubts...& figure out what you will do after you know the facts...
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