A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a hard time figuring out what, if anything, to do or say about the situation with my wife and her weight.We're in our mid to late 30s. When we met about 5 years ago, we were well-matched. Both around the same height (I'm 5'9", she's 5'8"), and we both were normal, healthy adults who, like a lot of the population, fell in the category of "I should probably lose 15 pounds," but it wasn't an issue for either of us. I was probably around 190, she was probably around 175. Obviously neither of us was a stick figure, and I thought she was, well, quite hot. I like curves, and she was in my opinion a good normal size for an adult woman.A few years down the road, she gave birth to our son. Obviously she put on about 40 pounds during the pregnancy, but that's what happens.Unfortunately, things have changed. After a few years of happy complacency, I had let myself go a bit, and looking at some photos, realized how much I'd changed. I was up to 215, and was bordering on the "obese" BMI category. My wife was right there with me. I didn't like the way I looked or felt, so I started eating strictly, and getting some more exercise. I'm now down to 165, and have kept it off for about a year.My wife, however, is now somewhere around 220 to 230. It's been several years since she had the baby, and she's continued to put on weight - and she's gone from what I considered healthy, to obese. And she's about 60 pounds heavier than me.I really didn't want to make an issue of it...but it is becoming one. She is constantly having health problems that seem related to her weight (ankle and knee pain, back pain). And, yes, I am finding myself less attracted to her. I am not proud or happy about that. In fact, I feel shallow and lousy about it. But I'd be dishonest if I denied it.So, about 6 months ago, I tried to raise the subject as diplomatically as possible. I told her I was concerned about her health, and we should both try to improve our well-being, for the sake of our son. So after some calm discussion, we agreed to set goals one year out - I would quit smoking, and she would lose 60 pounds.Well, six months out...I'm six months ahead of schedule. I've quit smoking completely. And she, apparently, has given up on the diet. She did lose about 20 pounds off the bat, but most of it is back, along with the shelves of cookies, chips, and ice cream.So...I don't know what to do know. I certainly don't want to end the relationship over a mere cosmetic issue, but I am getting less attracted to her. The thing is, she knows what's going on - she's unhappy that we don't make love more often, and when we do, she initiates it. She's already sort of threatened that if there isn't enough intimacy, she'll just leave. I can sort of understand that, but it's also hard to force yourself to make love when you're being pressured for it, and you're not feeling the mood.So, do I just get over it, bite the bullet, and put out on demand? It could be that I'm an awful husband who doesn't really love his wife, because I would see past the flaws. But I think that's a little unfair - for most of us, attraction -is- important to a relationship, for better or for worse, and while I understand that people age, and people change...this is a very big change. I'd hate to lose my family because my wife just loved high fructose corn syrup more than the relationship, or because I cared too much about something that I shouldn't care about.So...any advice? Do I just close my eyes, shut my mouth, and put out on demand? I've tried leading by example, and while I'm happy to be 50 lbs lighter and smoke-free, I've done it alone. It's a dilemma I hate having, as much because of what it says about me as her. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Your very welcome. I am sure if she has a little more practical help, it will allow her to focus a little more on her appearance and health. Don't be embarrassed about not being able to cook. Healthy eating can involve a lot of foods that need minimal cooking or none at all. Salads, grilled chicken and fish are all really simple to do.
I think it would be an excellent way for you to control the amount of junk food coming into the house if you took over the grocery shopping...if you go together you can plan meals together and make better choices. Meal planning is also a great way to decide what your going to eat together also.
Another reason that she may be eating junk is because she is tired or dehydrated. Women tend to grab the calorie stuffed food when their blood sugar level drops and they need an instant pick me up. Eating regular healthy foods will keep blood sugar levels more even and maintain a good metabolism. This is particularly important during her period as womens hormone levels fluctuate affecting their apetite, mood and tiredness levels...so she should be eating small regular amounts and not fasting or skipping meals as the drop in blood sugar will send her hurtling back to the cookies.
Let her know how much you love her and how genuinely worried you are about her health. I also thought the previous suggestion of doing it together so that you give your child a good knowledge of healthy eating was a good idea too!!
I am sure the spark will come alive again in your marriage but you need to be patient...and praise her when she does have a weight loss or makes the effort to exercise...what about walking out together in the evening (holding hands of course)
Again good luck to you xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): Your wife is in a real danger zone now. 175lb. was plenty for her height to begin with, but another 60 is quite dangerous. She is very much open for deseases to kick in, like diabetes, heart problems, cancer and so on.
May be you can scare her w/stats about overweight people, take her to some classes, like raw food classes, where they talk about dangers of processed foods and what it does to your health.
My husband was like you 40 lb. overweight. I couldn't make myself to have sex w/him. He looked like he was 7 month pregnant. So we started raw foods and he lost 40 lb. within4 months. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (26 July 2010):
Your wife wants to lose weight, and you want her to lose weight. She just needs to figure out how to do it.
Your wife needs to eat less food.
Probably, like about 90% of people who want to lose weight, she's avoiding certain foods, emphasizing certain foods, hitting the treadmill occasionally (only to pig out later that night), trying some kind of gimmicky "cleanse", etc. These are all very difficult things to do because they require diligence. You can lose weight by eliminating junk food, but junk food is delicious. You can lose weight by running miles every day, but that's really hard work.
You know what actually isn't so incredibly hard, if you just try it? Skipping meals. Delaying meals. Fasting for a day.
Some people think that this is an incredibly unhealthy way to lose weight. You'll probably see that opinion expressed following my comment. But our bodies store fat so that we can survive when times are tough. "Feast and famine" was a natural part of human life for the vast majority of human history. If you couldn't burn fat in order to function on an empty stomach, starving people would never be able to find/hunt food.
The best part is, even if you are yourself at a "healthy weight" (i.e. not overly thin), you too can benefit from the occasional fast or skipped meal. Again, it is a natural thing that our bodies are well-adapted to handle. So you can support your wife by sometimes foregoing food as a show of solidarity.
The other best part is, you can still eat junk food. Your diet should be sensible--it should include vegetables and such--but it can include junk too.
And don't worry about pigging out when food is in front of you. That is natural, too, if you think about what "feast and famine" means. And don't try to eat a dozen tiny snacks all day or something crazy like that. The key here is to GO HUNGRY sometimes. Sometimes for a couple of hours, sometimes for a whole day. Her body needs to burn fat. Try it. Oh, and watch out for the poopstorm of offended comments that will follow! :)
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (26 July 2010):
 It is good news that you have lost weight and quit cigarettes. You should be proud of yourself for having the self discipline. However, women's bodies do change after they have babies and it can be hard to lose the excess. From experience I put on over 20kg having my son two and a half years ago and I felt like a beached whale afterwards. I left nature take it course for a year and when that didn't send me back down to my usual size I did the low carbohydrate eating thing for three months. I am now thinner than I was in my 20's and feeling much better as I still eat well but better quality food. I think your wife doesn't need to diet as such. Diet's make you lose the will to live and you end up putting it all back on at the end as your metabolism slows during the 'famine'. A better strategy would be to an eating plan of low carbs. I didn't starve to lose the weight - just swapped the cookies for fruit and protein foods. Insulin resistance (pre-diabetes) is common in people who are seriously overweight and it makes them more inclined to add to the load when they eat certain food types (complex carbs). She needs to put down the pasta and the jacket potato in favour of foods that are easier for her body to process. Some people find attending slimming classes motivational so explore that with your wife. I think if you nag her about her weight then she will close off to the issue of reducing the load. If she sees a doctor they will no doubt tell her to lose weight so you could suggest a check up. Ultimately she has to want to lose the weight for herself. However, you could suggest that if you are both healthier then it is a good role model for your child. I have banned excessive junk food in my home because I don't want my little boy growing up making poor choices. It has required re-education of my junk food addict of a husband to control the inflow of cookies, chocolate and pizza into the kitchen. You should perhaps take charge of the shopping for a while - if she picks up junk food then perhaps you could suggest a healthier alternative.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): AuntyEm,
I'm the asker of this question - thanks for that response. It makes a lot of sense, and there is more that I could be doing. She does pretty much all of the cooking and shopping, for example. And while I can't do much in the cooking department (I'm embarrassed that I'm completely inept in the kitchen - I just never learned how to cook), I could at least take over the shopping and keep things healthier that way. She does get alsosome time away from the toddler and the house, but could probably use more.
For what it's worth, I doubt I would ever leave the relationship just because of this issue, but just sort of ignoring the issue and living in a passionless marriage because I just stop being physical...doesn't seem like a good solution. At all.
So, thanks for the response.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (26 July 2010):
I know that whhen some women start a family, the axis of importance changes in their life, your an intelligent guy so you probably realise that too. With so much to divert their time, some women lose focus on themselves and become unmotivated. When your running round organising the family and the home...personal appearance sometimes take second place. The years roll by and the pounds pile on. Smoking is a stress reliever and to you, she's probably coping well with everything (excluding her aches and pains)but to her shes maybe not really being given time to focus on herself.
Does she ever have quality time to herself. Do you take over the care of the child/children when you get home from work so she can maybe go swimming or to the gym or go get her hair fixed? Do you offer to cook sometimes so that you can both have healthy meals or go grocery shopping with her so you can divert her from unhealthy snacks.
I don't know about men, but I can tell you that women absolutely do not respond to critisism sarcasm or any kind of negative reinforcement...nagging her won't get you what you want. You have tried to take the lead and thats ok, but you perhaps made it into a competition and she got left behind.
Im second guessing a lot of this but I am trying to come to the most logical reason as to why she never lost her post pregnancy weight and became so unmotivated...I bet she feels undervalued, tired and put upon...and it's easier to just give up and get on with the load.
You sound like a good guy so just try a new angle. Be gentle, offer more help and give her a chance to talk about how she feels. I can tell you that deep down she probably feels a lot of guilt and resentment that you have done so well and she's failed. If she gets the slightest hint that your considering walking away from the marriage, that will probably push her over the edge....and to be honest it's not really her fault that you have lost some weight and she hasn't.
Be constructive, helpful and give her lots of positive encouragement. Dont beat her down if she gets upset, just be patient.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (26 July 2010):
 tell her that you find her being fat puts you off sex- she is being demanding, with the attitude that you have to give her sex or she will leave. this allows you to say that you wont have sex with her unless she loses weight.
to be fair i dotn think you are harsh, i think you are realistic. if someone doesn't care about their health it's very unnattractive. you quit smoking, she did nothing.
tell her the truth
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