A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:Is my ex contacting me purely to check up on me? Why is she doing this?Since we broke up for circumstantial reasons 6 months ago, she has moved on. She moved on very quickly (within a month) and has been in a relationship ever since. I've dated and had flings since then, but I've had no relationships to speak of. Since the break up she has insisted on contacting me. I have distanced myself from her, blocking her on social networking sites and not contacting her unless she contacts me first.Tonight she contacted me by text to ask if we could be friends on facebook. I said that I didn't want to and that I was happy just contacting her now and again. After a disagreement it sounded like we were going to have a nice chat about what we had been up to. Since we split I have been very brief in talking about what's happening in my life and have told her nothing about my non-existent love life. Instead I just said that I've been working a lot, exercising often and feeling positive about life. She said that she was glad and how she "really wanted me to move on". She said that she feels like it's been a long time for me and that I deserve to be happy and that "if" that happens I should let her know as she will be happy for me. I didn't know what to say seeing how I didn't mention anything about dating or relationships, so I just thanked her and asked her what she was up to... and I heard nothing back.I know that it's likely that she had heard all she wanted to hear - that I was single - and then she was happy to end the conversation there without saying so much as a goodbye. What is the deal with her? Why is she so curious about what I'm doing? I couldn't care less about what she's up to and it makes me so angry to think that she's just checking up on me to see if I'm as happy as she is, which I'm evidently not and THAT only makes me feel worse!Please give me your perspective. I'm at the point now where I just want to cut contact all together! All she seems to do is wind me up. I don't know if it's intentional or if she's just naive. What do you think? Do I have the right to be angry or am I making a fuss about nothing? What should I do?
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female
reader, thisonestaken  +, writes (6 September 2011):
andy...you see other couples and think about her, and how shes with someone...you miss the closeness, you miss being a couple, and you think she has moved on. if that were a fact she wouldnt be contacting you. i hate to be a downer but not every couple you see is a "happy" couple lol how many couples shared the bed last night? how many couples argued before work this morning? how many couples are wishing they could "get out" but dont know how? i could write a list on the advantages of being single, it works both ways lol i get to hog the entire bed, i control the remote completely, i dont have to be home at a certain time, or at all!!do you know what kind of a guy her new bf is? maybe hes a real @$#hole lol what are YOUR qualities? what makes YOU a good partner? you have qualities he doesnt, rest assured. AND if she really IS happy with him, grows to love him, all the power to her! just gives YOU the opportunity to meet someone who appreciates you for the awesome guy you are...please keep practicing/reminding yourself of all the good things about you, and before long your confidence will attract a fan club a mile long...theyll have to wait in line for autographs lol
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 September 2011):
 I'm in a similar situation to this so this was a great read to me and I'm looking forward to further answers.
Long story short, was FWB with a friend of my sister's, I decided I wanted more and told her that I liked her, she backed way off, we stopped speaking for a good few weeks, she meets somebody else and she randomly contacts me again telling me that I'm being a d**k with her and ignoring her - To me that's very odd, as surely she'd of just moved on and forgotten about me considering she's happy with a new fella.
I'm not really too bothered whether I stay in contact with her or not anymore, just found it odd that she wanted to stay in contact with me - very wary of getting too close to her again and having these feelings re-emerge as she's not willing to commit and she also has a bf, therefore I'd be strung along whilst she's happy in a relationship.
She doesn't seem to understand that I fell really hard for her and doesn't see anything wrong with contacting me, expecting me to be as close friends as we once were considering everything that's happened.
Another thing I found weird, was we were both out in a club on saturday, I was with a group of mates and she was celebrating her birthday, she texted me 3-4 times throughout the night asking me to come and see her and come and talk to her, which I kinda ignored as I have no idea what her motives are.
Next time this argument comes up though, I'm going to set her straight, ask her what she wants from me as I'm not having these feelings come back to be strung along like a love sick puppy whilst she has a bf.
Look forward to any further viewpoints.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (5 September 2011):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wow thisonestaken... That's such a great perspective to look from and you make a very good point.
I guess I am okay by myself, and it's only when I see other couples or when I think about her and her new boyfriend that I start to feel like I should be with somebody. I wish I could completely shake that feeling off, but it isn't always easy. I suppose I just have to try harder. After all, it will get easier in time.
I don't want to have painted a poor impression of myself either, so I will say this - I wish her all the happiness in the world. But I think the reason why I felt the way I did when I asked this question was because I felt like she already had that, while I felt like I was far from happy. I don't know, I hope that makes some sense!
Thanks for your help! If anybody has any more to add, please do!
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A
female
reader, thisonestaken +, writes (1 September 2011):
if you truly want to move on, you have to take the power back. this is not a game, its your life. you have nothing to prove to anyone, just have to take care of yourself. at this point, being in touch with her at any level is not only hurting you, but its enabling her. you may think shes got this great life, and shes a happy person, but if everything was so great in her world without you, why would she be contacting you? this is what you have to believe, as its clearly gone past the point of a simple "hello, how are you" its pissing you off. you have to be able to "feel the freedom" without her reins limiting that ability. im not sure if im explaining this correctly...i used to be so jealous of my ex, he had everything i wanted, house, toys, etc, until i came to realize, at the end of his day he has noone to share it with. me, i have family, kids, etc. i took "inventory" and realized i had so much more richness, that i didnt need him, i have so much already. you said you're working out, taking care of yourself, doing great....and her:still calling you, interested in what youre doing, checking up on you, etc....see where im going with this? in fact, youre really too busy getting healthy and doing other things to be concerned with her life....youre doing great!who cares if you dont have a gf, you dont "need" one, youre self sufficient. maybe you could try dating women just casually, just to keep in the dating world, if thats what you want, without seeing gf potential, just keep it casual. i know its tough, but youre handling it, and youll continue handling it.my ex, he wanted to be "friends", i couldnt handle it, so i cut off contact, then he wondered why i wasnt contacting him lol because i got on with my life and didnt care anymore.....took his control away....keep us posted
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (1 September 2011):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer, blueangelvenom, it must have been added after I posted my update. It seems so strange to me that she would contact me as regularly as she has done. I'm sure she is happy in her life, she is a generally happy person anyway. I think you maybe right, she just wants to know that I am moving forward and am happy too. I don't know what her reasons are (guilt, perhaps), but I suppose I shouldn't really speculate. I should just take it for what it is and nothing else, but the fact that she is able to rattle me after such a long time really rattles me. I should be over her by now! I don't know why I'm not because I've been so focused on getting on with my life since we split up
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 September 2011):
 Hi Andy, I see that you still are carrying the torch. Bless your heart, you know you should just cut yourself free of this chick. Stop all contact with her, she just keeps making you miserable. You can only get passed this by completely moving on. You haven't found that special someone because you have both your hands busy holding that torch. Drop that load. As I've told you before, someone who has your capacity for love and devotion will be some lady's greatest find. Best of luck Buddy.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (1 September 2011):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseoldman, I don't understand. Why is she keeping in touch? Surely she isn't jealous of me? She has everything. Or is it that she's keeping in touch with me to make me jealous of her?
thisonestaken, that's just it - while a part of me would love to have her back, another part of me really doesn't. All I want to do is to move on and find somebody else! There are plenty of other great women out there and I realise that. It's just that I'm growing impatient. I know better than anyone that it's been a long time for me and the fact that my ex is pointing out how long it's been is just insult to injury. This was last night and as a direct result of what she's said I've felt angry and upset throughout most of today! She did text back in the end to say that she'd fallen asleep, but it feels like such a convenient time for her to have done that in my opinion.
This is so petty and keeping in touch with her is clearly not bringing me any happiness at all. Maybe she does mean well, after all there were some supportive words in her message, but I don't want her pity. To hell with her pity! I just want to move on! Why haven't I moved on yet?? I've improved myself so much over the past few months in terms of fitness, taking better care of myself and building on my confidence. Why have I not got a new girlfriend yet?? Please tell me!!
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A
female
reader, blueangelvenom +, writes (1 September 2011):
I think it is normal to feel angry, but don't retaliate, you don't know what has been going through her mind, maybe she is trying to find closure to things in the past. I know it sounds single sided, but i do see your side, if she makes you so upset, and your already blocking her from sites, and barely talking to each other and want her to stop, send her one final text, telling her goodbye.If your willing to listen to a totally out there idea, maybe she was checking in to see if you were happy, because maybe she was just as miserable as you have been, and she was looking to see if there was any hope of finding comfort in an old ex. I know its out there, but a lot of times when a women wants to know about how her ex is doing, and then doesn't reply as to how she has been, half the time something is wrong, and the other half the time, they just are traveling down memory lane, and wishing to take back some of the pain from the past. Hope this helped.
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A
female
reader, thisonestaken +, writes (1 September 2011):
yep, you DO have the right to be angry. what reason could she possibly have to contact you other than "hey how you been? hope youre well" every once in awhile? just out of courtesy and because she cares about you as a person, thats it, in my opinion. it sounds like you two could maintain a friendship, which is good, but right now you both need time to get "past" the relationship. also sounds like she doesnt want to let go. do you want her back? if so, try to talk to her about that. if not, then yes, cut off all contact until youre ready, or SHES ready for an HONEST friendship.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (1 September 2011):
Jealousy, say the French, outlasts love. That's why she's keeping in touch. Your life is no longer her business, and I suggest you cut all ties with this woman and channel the energy thus freed into finding yourself another girlfriend ASAP.
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