A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was on my boyfriend's computer trying to find a document I downloaded for homework and found gay porn on it. He's said that he had sex with another guy in the past and that he likes having stuff up his butt (ie. toys, etc.). We are crazily in love with each other and know that we're going to get married and kids and all that jazz. I confronted him about the images and he said that yes, he finds them a turn on but that he wants to be with me and doesn't want to be with a guy or any other girl. He's very open and liberal with sex stuff and i find that a turn on but is this more than being open minded?I'm scared that he's gay and won't admit it to himself. I don't want to find out in 10 years that i was right... what do i do? help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): looking at gay porn is just a fantacy but wanting sex with a man is a totally different thing he's probebly gay and dismissing his TRUE feelings
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): hello
I have a similar problem about if my bloke is gay or not, he has never been with another bloke but enjoys talking about gay sexual fantasies when we have sex sometimes i dont mind as i find it a turn on, but i do wonder sometimes. But i dont think you should worry as he says he loves you and the fact he has told you about it shows how comfortable he feels round you and that he can really trusts you, i think it jsut shows he has a healthy view on sex, because can any one really say they havent had a sexaul fantasy about the opposit gender.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): hello
I have a similar problem about if my bloke is gay or not, he has never been with another bloke but enjoys talking about gay sexual fantasies when we have sex sometimes i dont mind as i find it a turn on, but i do wonder sometimes. But i dont think you should worry as he says he loves you and the fact he has told you about it shows how comfortable he feels round you and that he can really trusts you, i think it jsut shows he has a healthy view on sex, because can any one really say they havent had a sexaul fantasy about the opposit gender.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): Hello
i hve the same problem about wondering if my boyfirend is gay. he hs never been with a man but likes to talk about gay sexual fanaties when were intimate i do find it a turn on but i do wonder. i dont think you have anytin to worry about really he says he loves you. i think its normal and every one has some fanaties to some point about the other sex it just wether or not they feel comfortable enough to admit it, him tellig you about this shows how much he trusts you nad can tell you any thing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): Let me set your mind at ease.
I am a practicing bisexual, and have had sex with hundreds of men.
I also quite enjoy all types of porn.
But this would never get in the way of me loving a woman.
Would I still need to see men?
Well, I would like my woman to do things men do to me, by using toys and fingers and licking my butt, and trying it (she will find out its enjoyable) as well.
But, in the end, being bisexual would never stop me being able to love a girl.
You should feel lucky he wont hide anything from you. This is a very strong foundation for a relationship.
If you love him, accept him, treat him good, and he wont need or want anyone else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): I'm sorry -- he's at least a 4 on the Kinsey scale, from the sounds of it. Can you be happy with him forever? Maybe, lots of more-than-a-little-gay guys have had long-lasting relationships with women over the years. Will he really love you? Yes, likely he will.
BUT, recognize that there will always be that tension -- within himself, as well as between the two of you -- and that relationships don't go on a constantly-upwards course; they go up and down, ebb and flow, and the lows of your relationship will test him, every time.
Why listen to me? I was married to a woman for 10 years, 8 of them wonderful. I am now going to marry a man. I know, as well as anyone else can, I guess.
So, if you love him enough to try, go in with the blinders off.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Karlos Omnis  +, writes (29 October 2007):
 I would strongly advise leaving.It seems he has an itch that needs scratching, that unfortunately do for him.If he's already doing what he is, just imagine what he'll be up to in a year or so.Jump ship while you can
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): if i could do it again i would run....my man told me he wanted to have sex with man and i stayed with him.. he said it was only in his head and would never act on it..now i have std and waiting for aids test to come back,,, its not worth the risk..for you or your future kids..good luck
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A
female
reader, hello2580 +, writes (27 October 2007):
hey we all prob look at other porn im a gal i look a lesbian porn somtimes!!!!!
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A
male
reader, agonyunclechris +, writes (25 October 2007):
 why are you scared if he is gay ?he loves you ?
i shouldnt worry at all as long as he doesnt cheat on you
chris x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): You have every right to be concerned, i know i would be. This one is not easy and the decision is yours knowing that you may be wrong in the future. He has tried it and may want more males in the future, sorry, but this is a chance you are going to have to take. I wouldnt like to make that decision for you.
take care
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): and thank you so much for your replies. they've helped a lot already!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): Ok, like he had sex once with a guy years ago and does find some guys attractive but wants to be with me. He does look at female porn too.
Im just worried that i can't satisfy him in the ways that he wants and needs so we're not going to be able to connect in certain ways - which isn't fair for either him or me....
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (25 October 2007):
 Hi,
I can understand your concerns. First the fact that he is looking solely at gay porn as opposed to straight and gay is a worry.
On the other hand its important to realise just because someone is bisexual it doesnt mean they are any more likely to cheat on their partner does it?
Having said that, if he favours gay porn you are right in wondering whether at some stage down the track he is going to come out. Only you can really determine whether its worth sticking with this guy, the fact that he is very liberal and open minded would suggest that he would have no qualms about 'coming out' if that was the case.
It's a tough one to call, I dont want to suggest everything's fine as he may very well be one of these guys who refuses to accept his true sexuality or alternatively he is so comfortable with his bisexuality its not an issue for your relationship.
Is there anything else you can offer regarding him which may give a clue? i.e. what are his friends like? his tastes?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 October 2007):
 Correct me if I'm wrong, but the definition of "open minded" is not the same as that of "homosexual". You can be open minded without being gay or lesbian.
If he has admitted to having sex with another man and to find gay porn a turn on, then he is bisexual at least. I find it extremely unlikely that a straight man would do what he does.
What I would suggest you to do is think carefully whether his being bisexual is fine with you. If it's not, go your own way. If it is, you can be happy with him.
This is not about being judgmental. It's about whether you can live with him, as he is.
Take care.
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