A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I am confused about whether of not my bf is abusive. Please tell me what you think. We haven’t been dating for long (just under 2 months) so part of him is still putting on the perfect guy act I think, but I feel that maybe these little things that have happened are his true abusive nature showing? I’m not sure what to make of them really…Also I am sorry this is so long, but I wanted to give you the best understanding I can of what hes like. We are 18 years old by the way. -He tried forcing me into sex and sexual activities. I never gave into sleeping with him though, however his penis did start to enter me at one stage and I was telling him to stop but he didn’t, after a while of begging him he did stop…but then later he got on top of me again and I had to start begging him again to stop. Ive told him im not ready and explained my values and beliefs on sex but that doesn’t stop him. -He has sort of hurt me and didn’t seem to really care. When he was trying to force me into letting him finger me I kept saying no and pulling his hands away and trying to push him off me but he would push and throw my hands out of the way and would tell me to stop doing that. I think because I was so tense the fingering hurt and I told him it hurt so badly but he wouldn’t stop. He continued doing it. I was shaking so badly at one point and felt like fainting and vomiting. I told him this, but he wouldn’t stop still! -I feel like hes very jealous and maybe a controlling person? He has gone through my phone several times, reading my messages and asking me about the people whose numbers I have stored. I have some messages from guys who Im working on some projects with and he got VERY jealous asking me 1000 questions about them and hes like ‘why are you working with him? Why would you want to?’ I told him I had to and it wasn’t my decision not work with them…he still seemed upset. The messages I had were 100% innocent by the way, all they were about was our work. Whenever I get a message on my phone he always has to know who its from and what ti says and he always makes me tell him what im typing back. I don’t care if he knows what all my messages are about, cause I have nothing to hide but I just find this behaviour strange. Especially considering I don’t and cant go through his phone because he has a special pin number on it, which u have to enter b4 you read each message. -If I don’t reply to a message straight away he will send another 3 or so asking what I am doing, if im ok and if im angry at him. However, its ok for him to not to reply to my messages straight away, hes allowed to watch a 2 hour movie without his phone right next to him…but I’m not it seems. Sometimes he doesn’t reply at all. -He always keeps me waiting, he says he will be over my house soon…but doesn’t turn up for like 4 hours. He uses excuses like he just went to visit a friend on his way over…this annoys me because my days always end up being me waiting around for him! I never keep him waiting really and on the odd occasion I do its not acceptable. -He was quick to commit to me. After our first date he wanted to be in a relationship and wanted sex. Isn’t that a bit weird? He barely knew me. Im a shy person so its not as if he knew a whole lot abut me on the first date either. I feel that the only reason he is with me is for my looks. From what hes said about other people and how he hates fat people, it seems he values people based on their looks. -Hes pretty materalistic, he has the big fancy expensive car which he honestly cant afford as he doesn’t get paid much at all. -Hes told me stories of how hes had physical fights with other guys…I don’t know if that’s something to worry about because don’t most young guys get into fights? He said he doesn’t want me to go out to nightclubs because hes afraid that another guy will see me and like me and talk to me and he will get into a fight with him. Yet hes allowed to go out to nightclubs by himself with all the guys. - Ive caught him out lieing a fair few times about where hes been, but he just ‘acts dumb’ to cover it up-One of his friends told me that he brags to him and all their mates about what hes done with me (as in sexual activates) and says hes really smug about it and thinks hes all good. -He openly admits hes a good liar but says he would never lie to me so I shouldn’t worry!-During the very early stages of our relationships he would say things that would suggest hes proud of having slept around yet once he learnt I’m not like that and my beliefs are the complete opposite he denied having said all that. -His friends say he thinks hes gods gifts to women and that he thinks hes a womanizer. -Him and his brother don’t seem to really listen or respect his mothers opinion. They listen to their father, but not their mother.-Also sex isnt the only thing hes tried forcing me to do, he has tried forcing me into going against other things that I dotn want to do, such as drinking. He seems embarrased in public by me because I wont do it. So what do you think? I don’t feel hes really done too much wrong, they are just little tiny things and I’m wondering if they could turn into something more serious. Is he an abuser?
View related questions:
fingering, jealous, liar, shy, womaniser Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): Get as far away as you can from this man hun, he is definately an abuser. From what you have said already, he is controlling, jelous, manipulative and and a rapist. He needs serious help, and you need someone who will treat you with real respect.
Get out as soon as you can, and dont look back. this guy is dangerous for you to be around
A
female
reader, Solita77777  +, writes (9 March 2009):
I would end it before u start to love this man because when u start to love him its going to be harder to leave him. My ex was exactly like what you r describing and i regret now ever seeing his face. Trust me it will only get worse, its all about control and im betting the reason he wont let u in his phone is because HES really the one fucking around usually the one who accuses the other is the one cheating because they feel bad and get paranoid that u might be 2 and they dnt want to lose their control over u. My man got more violent, i had 2 children with him and he was a bad father also and when i wouldnt want to have sex with him he would force me, he might be sarting out slow right now testing to see how tough or how far he can go with u and if u will leave him once he knows he has u trapped, for me this was when i got pregnant he will do anything and everything because he knws he has u, trust me this guy is sick.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): dont endanger your life with such saddistic guy
...............................
A
male
reader, marcovos +, writes (7 May 2008):
You can't be serious when you say:"I don’t feel hes really done too much wrong, they are just little tiny things and I’m wondering if they could turn into something more serious"Wake up! This is already very serious! You need to stop kidding yourself; the only question you need to be asking us is how on earth you're going to get out of this without getting hurt. And I mean that, he sounds like the kind of guy who might not take a break up so well, since in his little fantasy mind it seems like he feels it's your privilege to be with him. He digitally and vaginally raped you, and if that's not serious enough for you to know that you need to get stay the hell away from him then I don't know what is. Reading this made my blood boil, and I simply cannot understand why women put up with this. You sound like such a nice girl and it genuinely angered me reading about what he has done to you. When you were a little girl did your imaginary Prince Charming make you shake, feel like vomiting or almost faint from raping you? Any guy who is the slightest bit a man would go out of his way to treat you like a princess and you have to realise that you deserve that; you don't deserve to be lied to, intimidated, raped and physically injured. What he is doing is criminal. I know I'd prob get bashed up but you're question angered me so much I really want to have a go at beating this pricks lights out, even if it means he doesn't get to lay a finger on you for a couple minutes.Do not under any circumstances make excuses for this behaviour. What he has done to you is absolutely sickening and why you are trying to talk it down has me baffled. I recommend you ask a friend to accompany you and try to break up with him as soon as possible. And don't put this off. Do it now, do it tonight! If worst comes to worst, you may even need to involve the cops. Let him have a taste of your nightmare as his ex-bikie inmate cuddles him at night
...............................
A
female
reader, growing  +, writes (5 May 2008):
 i agree with daniel,even i cud make out in just few lines that you need to be out of this crap.it was still acceptable if he was forcing you to bring some hot and wild element into the scene but knowing that he was hurting you,he cudn't stop himself then this is where you need not think even once about that animal.STAY AWAY AND YOU WILL BE ON THE SAFER SIDE.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (5 May 2008):
 Dear, I didn't even finish reading. I was sure about this with just a little of what you wrote.
My sincere advice: RUN FOR THE HILLS. Don't waste another minute with him. He will make you miserable.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): He sounds like an all around mental case. You need to break this relationship off as soon as possible. I suggest when you do, you have someone with you or close by, like your father!!! No doubt he will come unglued when you do tell him, and he may become violent!!! I highly recomend that any visits between you two be done with a male friend who can protect you. It sounds like this guy is unstable. He should also be told to get professional help.
From this point forward, if he becomes abusive and you feel threatened, I suggest you call the police for protection. Your parents should get involved and help provide protection. None of us are quite sure what he is capable of, and you should be prepared for the worse.
A good boyfriend would not pressure you into anything!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 May 2008):
 Sorry to tell you this, but I think you don't need to be confused anymore. He sounds like an abusive man. Read, if you haven't already, Ask_oldersister's article called 'Warning signs you're dating a loser.'
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html
Why would you want to be with a man who has treated you so badly? It's time to start respecting yourself and your own value. Please end this relationship that can only get worse and cause you serious damage!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): I'm sorry to say this, but he sounds horrible - scary, rough, mean, selfish, sarcastic, sexist, violent, and self obsessed. You have a very clear view of him at the moment. If you carry on going along with him he will get worse. You are abusing yourself at the moment by letting this go on and you might like to ask yourself why.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): I just read this and I feel so strongly about it, I have to reply.The answer is plain and simple, this boy is utterly controlling, and you MUST get out of this now, for your own sake.The problem with men like this is that they have an answer to everything and turn everything around so it looks as though YOU are the one at fault. You are lucky this behaviour has shown itself so early on in the relationship, so you can see him for what he is and get out. He will never change, believe me.I was in a relationship with a very controlling man. For seven years! He took away all my self confidence. I lived in fear. I dreaded going home as sometimes he was in a good mood, but if he was in a bad mood, god help me! You will spend your life with a feeling of dread. And your confidence will go to rock bottom. So do yourself a big favour. Before he destroys your feelings of self worth, get out now!! Tell yourself you deserve a nice boy, who will respect you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): of course he is an abuser and theses things are not just tiny little things he has practically raped u on more than one occassion and he is possesive because he does what he likes but makes a fuss when u want to do anything such as go to a club.
my advice is to get out of this now as it can only get worse and i would put money on the fact that the next thing he does is raise his hand to you and beat you up. its your life but i've had a number of friends go through this and ive also had a brush with a possesive and jealous lover and it is no way to live it will destroy you.
...............................
A
male
reader, JesseENG +, writes (5 May 2008):
yes he sounds very abusive. and the fact that he doesnt care shows he has no guilt. he sounds like he is insecure and requires constant reassurance that you are faithful to him. id say get the heck out of this relationship as soon as possible. if you let him do these things to you with no reprocussions, the abuse will only continue. good luck and be safe
...............................
|
