A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm Alex I don't know if I'm being used or cheated on, or whats going on but something doesn't seem right and it's hurting me. Ok Ive known my girlfriend for almost 2 years now. We started out dating for a whole month and oddly enough that one month was magical when we first met then she went back to her bf of three years which hurt but I got over it, understanding that she was in between relationships and she never stopped loving him anyway, and I have no problem with the guy he's a good guy. She then behind his back kept seeing me and I felt like the lowest person in the world for letting her do this but I loved her and took comfort in the fact that she got her loving (in that way) from me and not him. I had sex with her and from what I understood he never felt like it when she needed it, I took advantage and I loved her and hoped the entire time that she would respect me and leave him and be with me and it never happened and I know I was wrong for what took place and I know it shouldn't have happened, and I'm just as in fault as she is, I still look back and regret hurting that guy. They eventually broke up and me and her (because he found out we slept together once) stopped talking and she erased me from her life. Until this day he still doesn't know he was cheated on the entire time they were together 9 months total, and she doesn't tell him and wont let me tell either as to not cause drama. 6 months ago we started talking again and then we became really really good friends and started hanging out we went on a few trips together and its been a blast and then we started having sex again. I then asked her out and we became boyfriend and girlfriend and we have been happy together for 4 months now, I bought her Christmas presents and spent Thanksgiving together and New Years and we've been really happy until recently...She has started getting real distant hiding her phone from me......she went into the store that her ex works the other day and talked to him. I asked her why she was there and she said she was going to surprise me with something but it was too expensive she ignored me the other day completely...something really doesn't feel right and when I ask her about it she gets offended. We are separated by a hour drive at the moment (she has school) and we see each other on weekends,and I do sometimes come visit her during the week when she isn't busy or doesn't have a exam the next day. When we have sex she doesn't spend the night she goes home to her parents house in town.We went to the movies the other day and his car was there and I had a feeling she knew he would be there and she wanted to run into him although we never did. I don't know what to do. I love her but I know (although she says she doesn't)I still know she has feelings for her ex and she still talks to him behind my back and she misses him. I guess its normal to miss your ex, but I love her and I want her and it's cool I sometimes think of my ex girlfriend and wonder how she is but at the end of the day I still want the one I have, and I pray she feels the same. I have a ring and a plan to propose next month, should I drop it? More than anything in the world I want to trust her and she is truly the one Ive chosen to spend my life with, I'm happy with her. I want to trust her. I hope I am just paranoid I really hope I am, but if she is seeing him and talking to him and I find out, I will end it because I cant hurt like that anymore. There are allot of clues I haven't mentioned but I do have reason to believe she still talks to the dooch. She changed her pic on a social network site to just her instead of me and her...She sounds like she is rushing to get off the phone with me when I call her every single time. lol I am the type of guy that hates the phone and I do not have good phone etiquette, but shes my girlfriend she shouldn't get annoyed with talking to me. When were together I tell her I love her and we do things together and it seems really fun, but sometime she doesn't spell out I love you and does the love u or luv u thing and she knows how I feel about it. I do spend money on her and spoil her and maybe that's part of the problem. I overdo it, but I have this deep guy wrenching fear that she is about to leave me and I need her and I get so scared I say and do anything to keep her and when I start getting scared apparently the paranoia can be noticed and she starts getting distant, so I try to calm down and its so difficult. Someone please tell me I'm a paranoid lunatic and my girl inst hiding anything?
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male
reader, oneguy  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 FOUR people have already told you the answer you DON'T want to hear - so make that FIVE with me when I say this - DO NOT PROPOSE TO HER EVEN IF IT MEANS YOU'LL DIE.Dude, you seriously do not have to and SHOULD NOT punish yourself simply because you were weak and let her in even after knowing that she was cheating on another man. Everyone makes mistakes - but you are hell bent on making another mistake by punishing yourself by marrying her! Isn't it enough that you made one mistake?! Why are you hell bent on making another and this time, FATAL one?!Leave her Sir. You aren't a loser. You'll surely get another girl and a good one at that. I'm sure of that. Why am I so sure? Buddy, I never had even one girlfriend in life, you're far better than that aren't you?!!!! (that was such a redundant question). I wouldn't worry at all about you! Of course, if you decide to hold on to the dead past and rot with it, I can't help you, and I'm expecting that you won't make that mistake either. And I'm also expecting that you start living a chivalrous life instead of showing all the stupidity you've been parading around up until now.To sign off, the woman's a player. Not worth it. AT ALL. MOVE!All the best!Regards,
A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (25 January 2011):
OP, you wrote"I want to trust her and I wanna remain with her and I want us to be happy is this possible and will her ex ever get out the picture?" You're not getting it. She's untrustworthy. You're basically saying "I wish things were different." Well, it is what it is. Your gf is a cheater. Whether you want to take the risk of trusting her with your heart is up to you. But, she's already told you who she really is. I'd believe her if I were you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): I am the writer of this question......let me add some stuff........when her and her ex bf were together yes she was cheating on him with me....he found out about once instance that it happened and dumped her he moved on she got rid of me and changed her number and tried begging the guy back and they never got back together and he doesn't want her however he has tried on multiple occasions to sleep with her again....He now knows that she is with me and he does not want her....the disrespect and break of trust comes in with that fact that she still talks to him and right before me and her got together and started going out he did intact stay the night with her at her school which is a hour drive away.....she is with me now and we've been very happy together up to this point where he is coming back into the picture...I can't seem to get him out and I know there has to be a part of her that still wants him...I want to trust her and I wanna remain with her and I want us to be happy is this possible and will her ex ever get out the picture?
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (25 January 2011):
This girl cheated on her former bf with you, and now you are paranoid that she may be cheating on you -- ironically with the former bf (Payback is surely a bitch, ain't it?). Have you ever heard the saying, what she'll do with you, she'll do to you? I can't really tell if the girl is actually going behind your back; however, it certainly wouldn't surprise me if she is given her shitty treatment of her former bf.
What I can tell you is that you are killing the relationship (such as it is) with your clinging and paranoia. No woman finds that attractive. She can smell your desperation, and it's turning her off. In your defense, I would imagine that this paranoia comes with dating a woman who is a known cheater.
She may actually be doing you a favor if she dumps you. Do you really want to be married to a cheater? I mean, you're having a meltdown just dating a cheater. Multiply the pain and drama by 10 -- and throw in some significant financial expense for good measure -- to get a sense of what your life will be like married to someone who, for good reason, you can't trust. You will always feel like this if you marry this girl. A significant element of any successful relationship is trust. Based on what you've written, you don't trust this girl. Consequently, the chances that your relationship with her will survive are not good. Sorry for the bad news, but I just call 'em as I see 'em. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, LizBeth +, writes (25 January 2011):
Whatever you do, do not propose to this girl She is playing both you and the other guy. All of her behaviors point to this. This is not paranoia on your part.
You say that you "need" her. Ask yourself this, do you NEED to be treated with such disrespect? Do you NEED to be with someone that you can't trust? Do you NEED to be with someone who plays with your feelings like they're nothing? If you need those things, then I guess you do need this girl.
Is breaking up with her going to hurt? Yes. Will you heal? Yes. In my opinion, the sooner you break up with her the better. That way you can start to heal and get over her.
Best wishes to you!
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A
female
reader, Mature Lady +, writes (25 January 2011):
I am sorry but I feel you girlfriend is playing you and her ex boyfriend,please do not propose marriage to her in the meantime I would have a trial split from her for a while and see if she goes running back to this other boy,if she does I know it will hurt,but better you find out now,than go into a marriage and never know if she is being faithful to you.
Good Luck
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