A
female
age
36-40,
*inrising
writes:Hello all! Sorry to be long winded but... A friend from college and I recently struck up a casual, long distance friendship with sexual undertones. We had hooked up briefly in college (this is about 5 years ago) after a long distance courtship of love letters and late night phone calls while he was home for the summer and I was taking classes, but I soon dumped him upon his return because he was incredibly depressed and I just didn't want to be around that (he was also in a different social circle and I had a long term boyfriend re-entering the picture, someone I had wanted to marry, etc etc, so it was easy to cut him out of my young life). Over the past five years since then we've kept in loose contact, occasionally sending political or cultural articles to eachother...I can say that we have a strong cerebral connection. A few months ago we began chatting more frequently and I had experienced a pretty traumatic breakup. Rebounding was nice, especially because he was almost 1000 miles away and I knew he was "safe." Our conversations were sexually charged but not about Love. I don't think either of us want that right now, as he was recently dealing with a bout of unemployment and I was debating whether to move cities. We both talked about dealing with depression, but he seemed a bit vulnerable. We met up one day in NYC and it was fantastic - just like a Woody Allen movie - fall, art gallery openings, lingering conversation over coffee in little hidden cafes. We DID have sex a few times that day, and it was alright (hes kinda got a small package, ehh.) We parted and continued to chat, mostly through text message, and made plans to spend Thanksgiving together (we're both East Coast transplants and have little family to turn to for the requisite holidays). I was surprised at the offer, but flattered, and made arrangements with my work to be there.Unfortunately, things must not have worked out because he got a little shady about the plans and since I could sense something was up, I disinvited myself and went skiing instead, which was fantastic, but I was still a little disappointed. When he finally left his job he promised to fly up to see me with a free Southwest pass he had, but it never happened. Interviews and what not kept him at home. Our texting and emails continued, as did the sexual innuendo and I must say, I really wanted to see him! He said the same and it seemed like we were on the same page.I finally moved to NYC and made plans to visit him at his home because another girl friend was moving there and wanted some moral support. He was excited. I was excited. We hung out one night and I saw his regressive bachelor pad, met his roommates and cousin had dinner and drinks, and of course, slept together. We agreed on spending the weekend together after I had helped my friend move. On the Saturday we were to spend together, I sent him a text about some art gallery I wanted to go to and didnt hear from him for three hours. In that time I assumed he was blowing me off, told him as much, and made plans to go back home. He came over the the apt I was staying at before I could leave and we talked a bit. He said that we needed to stop sleeping together because he didn't know I was so vulnerable. That you cant do that to someone as vulnerable as I am right now. That when we dated in college, he thought I was Ms. Iron Sides and frankly, quite cold. That hes there for me, I can dump on him with my worries and these depressive entanglements that have entered my life recently. But no sex. I told him that what I liked about our friendship was that it was EASY, we weren't exclusive or boyfriend/girlfriend, and it was fun. My question to you folks, is: why is it so wrong to be vulnerable? He has confessed to me recently that he too is a bit vulnerable these days, and I thought well hey, we have the basis for an even better connection. He is a writer and I am an artist, so we're both somewhat emotional feelers. I always understood that to be a good thing. His friedship is really important to me. Of course, I would love to be in a relationship with him one day - not now - and I dont know if hes interested in having that because Ive shown him I can be vulnerable. Is vulnerability something men can grow to appreciate? (He is barely 27, I am 25) Is there any way I can resolve the situation? His birthday is coming up, I was going to send him a LOLCat picture of a Farting Cat (seriously hilarious) and some notes on the White Rose Society (young philosophers that rebelled against the Nazi Regime with philosophical essays they passed out. They were, of course, executed, but its a beautiful story nonetheless...). Do you think this is a good idea?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 You're not vulnerable. This man is a very creative liar, however. He found a way to sort of say he doesn't want any sex with you and you sort of didn't notice. I bet he is onto someone less "vulnerable".
If you give him a present, make sure it goes in a small package. He seems to like those :-).
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