A
female
age
41-50,
*awny75
writes:I've been with my partner for 3 1/2 yrs now and we still don't live together because of both our situations. He going through a divorce and almost at the end and me because 'im not working.I love him very much and he loves me too, i would really love to get married but he doesn't, because of his ex wife. Granted she has put him through the ringer and he says, he doesn't want to go through that again. I do understand where hes coming from. I was in an abusive relationship for a long time and can understand why he wouldn't want to get married but as i have said to him before i'm not your ex and our relationship is not the same and i'd like to think that i would put u in same box as my ex.He still doesn't want to get married and says,why spoil what we have. We don't live together, we have both decided no more children cus of our ages etc. and so for me marriage is the one commitment we can give to each other. But still no for him. Do you think he will ever change his mind???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): Try to see it from his point of view: his only experience with marriage has been a very bad one, he is still going through the divorce, his wife is putting him through the ringer, you are not currently working,....of course he does not want to get into another marriage anytime soon! I think it's very wise of him. Imagine him being newly divorced, having to pay a large sum of money to his ex wife in alimony, and then also financially supporting a new wife since you're not working. I would advise him not to get into this situation. your argument that you are not his ex-wife...that only goes so far. Marriage still has the same terms and conditions and bindings regardless of who you're married to. that is what he finds distasteful now. He doesn't want to attach something toxic (marriage) to something he still sees as a good thing (you). Also, you don't currently have a job, and you want to get married. That is saying loud and clear that you want and expect him to financially support you. That isn't fair and it's not a great way to start a marriage.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (29 May 2013):
 Nobody likes to go through the ringer, let alone twice… Or be put in the same box as an Ex. So what I did for my partners’ sake and our peace of mind was to have a Property Agreement drawn up by our Solicitors. Be it I have more to lose and him much to gain if we spit it was like dealing with the business end of a collapsed relationship/marriage.Now you know how petty it gets in the end when everyone’s fuelled by anger etc… Well when you write this up in the beginning of a new relationship, be it you live together, you’re a lot more sane and clear about what belongs to whom. It does give that person a sense of security. Perhaps you could look into these forms if available in Britain; a little after the dust has settled from his divorce. Don’t be surprised that it looks like you’re filling out divorce papers again. That’s the legal system for you.However, if by you not working are cause for him to recoil from marriage with you; maybe this is the way to go and give him peace of mind; in that he’s not going to be put through the ringer again? See how he thinks about marriage after knowing this.Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 May 2013):
 Most people who come out of a divorce are not keen to jump right into another marriage, some would rather just have the relationship without the bit of paper and there is nothing wrong with that.
I think he is committed to you to a certain extent...he's been with you for 3 and a half years hasn't he? Maybe the fact that you arn't working is putting him off? He's just gone through a divorce and that is bound to have been a financial burden, so maybe he's wanting to keep things a little relaxed to see if you will be able to help out with the bills...weddings are expensive arn't they?
I know it seems harsh but these days, money is tight and rushing into another marriage is probably not the best or most practical thing to do as far as he's concerned.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (28 May 2013):
 I feel like your friend after divorcing you want to get yourself back to some what normal. Especially if it was a bad marriage with a bad ending. This makes one never ever wanting to ever get involved or married to anyone. If I couldn't pick the right spouse from the beginning we seriously doubt we will pick the right one twice go round. He may need time to heal and build trust in you and then he will be more willing to commit. I would enjoy a committed np dysfunctional marriage this go round myself. I just dont want to trust and without trust there is no relationship really. Its like you invest all your live, time ,feeling, money ,energy ,and in the end got nothing to show but a divorce and debt. Nobody wants to repeat the same mistakes.
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A
female
reader, dawny75 +, writes (28 May 2013):
dawny75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry if it seems unclear, i would love to get married and live with him , in that order.
He has been living apart from his ex for 41/2 yrs and hes been living with his parents since they split. His divorce is almost at an end and i guess i want to know that there is some kind of commitment from him, like knowing we will get married in the next few yrs, not right away.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 May 2013):
 So you want to get married and not live together?
or are you saying get married and then live together?
are you saying you want to get engaged to a man who is not yet free of his soon to be ex-wife? you said he is going through a divorce.. not that he is divorced....
wanting to live with a man or be engaged to a man who is not free to commit to you legally is putting the cart before the horse don't you think?
My husband and I met when I was married to someone else. And while we knew we would marry when we could, he REFUSED to get engaged before my divorce was final. I respected that. Maybe your guy feels that way....
OTOH, if he has said to you after 3 years of a committed relationship that he's not interested in living together or getting married LISTEN TO HIM...
If he was already living apart from his soon to be ex wife and in the throes of the divorce I'll count the whole three years, if not you can only count from when he moved out.
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A
female
reader, FreshPrincess +, writes (28 May 2013):
I'm not sure if he will change his mind.. Only time will tell. The real question is if you want to stick around and wait it out. If marriage is absolutely necessary for you, then you may be wasting your time, but you won't be able to tell that right away since he's going through a divorce. I would wait until this is all said and done, and then bring it back up. For now, leave it alone.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 May 2013):
 Were you the reason his marriage fell apart?
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