A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Ex fiance admits shes in love with a co worker and me. But she wants me to try and work to see if we can get back together after she ended our engagement, canceled our wedding and moved out because of this guy. She said now that she loves me more and wants to try but still talks to this guy because of her feelings for him. Which she said she hopes will go away but isn't sureIs this fair? I feel like I deserve someone who loves just me. Am I being unrealistic
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co-worker, fiance, get back together, moved out, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Thanks for following up. I'm not surprised too much at her reactions. What bothers me is that she doesn't seem to be able to see how much it hurts you. By continuing to contact you she is keeping you from fully healing. I still believe that you need quite a bit of time get over all of this.
I like the neat symbolism of selling the rings. As a reasoned act it is a statement from you that there is no returning to the engagement. I believe that you thought it out before doing it and did not sell them only because you were angry one day. I think your choice of days was appropriate, while she was unwilling to participate directly in the ceremony, by choosing to be with another she stated well enough her willingness to separate from the commitment to you.
Keep moving forward.
FA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): hey Op you deserve so much better and you deserve respect too.
so yes get rid of the trash and know that you will find the woman to share your life with. she was not worth the effort and she had total disrespect for you. you will get over the hurt and the feeling of loss. rather not have her in your life at all. pwrhaps cut off all ties with her as well? in this way you are not her second choice and not her fall back guy. she has used your love for too long. plse get rid of the cheating ex once and for all.
-LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to thank everyone who replied to this. It's been a number of months now and when ever I start having a tough time and wonder if I should consider getting back with her I just read this and feel better. I recently sold our engagement ring and when I told her she says she thinks I did it too soon after everything. She's also continued to call and said she made a mistake. Meanwhile I sold the ring on a day she flew out to visit her co-worker. Thanks again for all the advice.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 July 2010):
Minor correction:
I see that I used the words Polyandry and polyandrous (having two or more husbands) when I should have used polyamory and polyamorous (loving two or more people).
Sorry.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): look at it like this: her breaking up and choosing this man over you was actually a blessing in disguise. no one should be second best and no matter how much you loved her, love yourself first and cut off all contact with her. keep remembering that she choose him over you and cut your loses. in the end you actually saved yourself from her imminent cheating. you saved yourself from a doomed marriage and a doomed life with her. love yourself enough to let her go OR do not complian if she breaks your heart again, and she will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I did ask her to choose before we ended things and she said she couldn't stop speaking with the other guy at then. I explained what would happen if she didn't and begged her to stop so that we could fix our relationship. She said she couldn't and we ended everything and moved out. I know she moved out with the idea of being with him. Now after a short time she is saying she thinks she made a mistake and misses me dearly. She says she still loves him but will try not to speak with him. She said she can't promise me that the same thing won't happen she can only try to make this all up to me. I love hear dearly but feel like I gave her a choice already and at least for the immediate future she should have to deal with the consiquenses. It's hard though to turn away someone you love. But knowing she loves another seems to be to much for me. I just wanted so bad for her to come back and say it was a mistake but the fact that she admits she still loves him seems to unfair for me. How can I truly try.
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A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (13 July 2010):
 There are some people who can really love 2 people at the same time, I have seen that happen to someone and she really does love 2 people sincerely...but one of them she loves more.
Anyway, no you're not unrealistic, loving 2 is unrealistic. And that's how you feel, you need to be loved alone and don't want to share her with someone else. I mean, that's natural for you to feel, everyone who is sincerely in-love want themselves to be the only one.
Everything is actually up to you. Ask yourself, can you really be patient enough to wait for her feelings for him to fade? If not and if it's eating you inside, so why stay? Leave or ask her to choose. Yes, life is really unfair sometimes, I mean, why do we have to hurt this way? But both ways you will be hurt, if you leave you will be hurt, if you stay, you will be hurt. Decide what you really want and be ready to face whatever the consequences. Life is just like that but you should be wise to choose the better option.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 July 2010):
Is it OK?
Well that might not be the right question.
The fact of the matter is it is a lot more common than you think. As social animals we form all kinds of attachments all the time. Being in love with more than one partner at the same time is called polyandry. You will find , by reading here on cupid, that it happens a lot.
Having said that, I need to add that it doesn't work out very well. Intimate relationships, require an unusual level of trust. When you bring a third person in the chances of trust breaking multiply. Jealousy often comes to play. In other words, you feel the way that you do now.
You feel that she has betrayed you, to spend time with him. What this tells us is that this isn't working for you. On the other hand she feels attachments to both of you. But, she is not entirely comfortable with juggling the dual relationships. As evidence, she broke off the engagement with you, and she has plans to let her relationship with him fade away.
Many people will see her actions as "keeping her options open", or "playing you both". This is dangerous for her because she could end up the grand loser in this drama. Even if she has genuine feelings for both of you.
She entered in to a contract (engagement) with you when her heart was not exclusively yours. This was probably because she didn't know how to express both of her loves. You feel she accepted the engagement dishonestly, and you are right, she wasn't ready to commit to only you. Now she is telling you that she "hopes" her feelings for him will go away, but she is feeding them, by seeing him. She is being dishonest with him as well. She is not offering him unreserved love. She only loves him enough to not want to hurt him. Not enough to commit to him.
You ask, "is it fair?" And then you state your entitlement. First take the words "I deserve" out of your feelings. We aren't guaranteed anything in relationships. Replace it with "I want". You have hopes and desires, she is unwilling to provide them to you. Not so much because she doesn't think you need or deserve them, but because she is, st least at this time, unable to give you exclusive love. So what you want and need is not available from her, yet. Maybe never. Depending on your level of jealousy, and her tendency to form attachments to others.
There is a common problem in marriages where one partner or the other will form attachments to friends or coworkers or clubs or hobbies or even just to a job. These relationships use up time that the partner may have felt entitled to. The jealousy of the time can erode the relationship from both sides. But, as I said, we humans are social animals. To one extent or another we need to feel connections to those around us. Two married people cannot live isolated from all others.
What I am saying is that you will have to accept her having commitments to other people. Romantic commitments to other people, are not generally acceptable in our society. And certainly not acceptable to you. What I am trying to say, is that you are right to want her love exclusively, but she will need other, many other, less intense attachments in the future, after the current guy fades away.
Right now she is offering you a share in a polyandrous community. You are not interested in that kind of relationship. You should not change your mind on that because that type of relationship rarely works out for very long. It also does not fulfill you emotional needs. What works for her is not working for you.
You also ask if you are being realistic. Yes many people are happy in monogamous relationships. Around half of all marriages do not end in separation or divorce. And many who do suffer a divorce go on to a new monogamous relationship. They learn to balance outside relationships and still give their partner exclusivity in the bedroom, and in their hearts. Having a solid home base actually helps us to be more successful in the smaller relationships.
So, What should you do? Don't stay in a relationship that hurts. You will only become more resentful. If your feelings are strong for her you may decide to live celibate for some time to see if she will change her life to meet your needs. She is young and there is a chance that she will grow out of this. Or you can continue to move on and separate yourself finally from her. I believe you are already on this course. You shared a close relationship with her so this will take a long term of no contact to achieve. She is not going to like this and will resist it, because she values her relationship with you.
Beware of falling into a rebound relationship. They are dangerous.
FA
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 July 2010):
The only thing here that is unrealistic is her view of love. I've never believed that you can truly love two people. I believe that if you think you love two people, neither to those people are right. There really is only room in the heart for one, and it's unfair of anyone to expect someone else to be with them when they know they love someone else. This ex fiance just isn't a great girl. At all. We all know what will happen. She will come to you, then decide she wants him and ditch you. You need to end it with this woman.
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A
female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (13 July 2010):
 Of course your not being unrealistic. This girl is just being plain selfish. She either ends it with him and wants to make it work with you, or vice versa. But really you shouldn't give her the choice, As much as it'll hurt you, you need to walk away from her. If she THEN see's what she's lost then thats her fault for not realising how great a guy you were in the first place.
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