A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been helped many times here before and i'm grateful! I got a question..Me and my girlfriend love each other. Our relationship is long distance. She mentioned helping someone and likening him to me.After she helped him carry something, he asked for her email. She gave him and before long, he called to check up on her. She has told me about their relation and soon after meeting she asked if i'm cool with it. I didnt want to the possessive, jealous bf so i pretend it was okay, as long as she acted responsibly. But its killing me. This guy is making moves on her, asking lots of questions about us and she's telling me. What do i do? He even said they should go for coffee..and she said "only if its vanilla-shake for me" (im not sure if they're meeting up again). He also said he spent last night thinking about her! I love her but i might lose her if this continues. Please help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): Thanks tons for your help people, i know what to do now. Thanks a lot.
A
male
reader, andre23  +, writes (13 July 2010):
Long distance is hard to maintain, go to her ASAP if its love youre talking of
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): dude..YOU DO tell her what to do. Tell her to tell him not to contact her. I'ts not possesive, it's respect.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): Thanks, yea that makes sense. Any suggestions on how i might bring it up and what to say exactly? Do i suggest she ignores him or just for her to tell me she's not going through with his plans?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): Be protective, it will remind her that you care for her and you are not willing to give her up easily. If you lack trust at any point in an LDR, it CANNOT last. Trust is one the most important thing in and LDR (second to love obviously) and if you cannot trust her acting responsibly whilst your away, if she is seeing other men, then you need to tell her you are not cool with other guys flirting with you, whilst hiding the fact that you have a bf. To be honest, I find that really deceptive in a girl and is one of the things I really hate about most women. Thing is, with LDR's is if she doesn't comply with you, then maybe you should be having second thoughts on how long the relationship would potentially last.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): Caring Guy is right, the way you've handled it so far is perfect. She feels she can be open and honest about it, she's even told you the things he says etc.
The hard part for you is that you know what he's doing, you know he has an interest in her and you know he's pursuing her.
This will take a fine balancing act on your part because jealous and possessive is not something you want to become and you know that.
The best way to approach this is to talk to your girlfriend and set some boundaries. Don't make demands or try and set rules, just have a think to yourself and tell her what you would and would not be comfortable with. She's already made it clear she's not available, frankly she must be flattered by the attention he gives her and there's nothing at all wrong with that let her have that.
You have to trust her and let her know that you completely trust her but that you are wary of his intentions, because you don't blame him for being interested in her as she is beautiful etc. etc. She's being open and honest with all that's happening with this guy so you can let her know whether something he proposes is something you'd be okay with but most of all you have to trust her to do the right thing.
Single guys don't make friends with random girls they're not interested in, we do sometimes but it's exceptionally rare. I'm sure there are many people that will disagree with me on this but you know it to be true. I'm not talking about meeting girls at work, school etc. of course it happens then, but random girls we meet once if we're not interested in them we don't pursue 'friendships' with them.
Let her know that you're not comfortable with the level of interest he's showing her, talking about thinking of her all night and stuff like that is throwing up some red flags in your mind. He knows she has a boyfriend yet he's actively sweet talking her, this makes me think he's not a very nice guy either.
As I said this is a fine balancing act, you don't want to seem controlling yet it would not be a good idea to let this go any further. Talk to her about your reservations, that she's free to do whatever she wants and have whoever she wants as friends but that he's not interested in being friends, no matter what he says or what she thinks, he's not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): If he spent all last night thinking about her, and he's putting the moves on her, there's only one thing to do.. tell her to choose between hanging around him or cutting him off completely and continuing your ldr. Your feelings are too strong to let her continue seeing someone who she likens to you, and who's hitting on her. It doesn't make you jealous to put your foot down. It's better to know now how much or little she respects your wishes and feelings, rather than have ongoing pissing contests with other guys, while pretending she's solely into you. Allowing him into her life like that, especially being your relationship is long distance, will slowly ruin you, and make you out to be a jealous person when she doesn't get her way with little things here and there, when it comes to fun with the other guy. Let her know you're not comfortable with it and she'll have to choose a path, and it will be a test of her character and faith, for the future. Accusing her of things would mean you're jealous, but standing your ground when other guys come to cut you off means you're claiming her as your girlfriend, without fail. If she doesn't want to respect your wishes for a peaceful relationship without aggravation, then she won't be worth being with. When this other guy's making his moves on her, knowing she has a boyfriend, he's being disrespectful and uncaring of what happens to your relationship with her. Your girlfriend knows this, but doesn't seem to care how he spites you to be with her. Knowing this, are you still okay with letting them see each other, out of fear of what they'll label you?
Go with your gut feeling, and don't worry about what others think, if you really like this girl. Would it be wrong for you to not want her to be in a porn video? Then why would it show anymore love to allow this guy who likes her alot and wants to take her out all the time, to see her. If you know it's wrong, deal with it before it bothers you so much that you make yourself appear wrong, when she is wronging you herself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): Thanks, yea that makes sense. Any suggestions on how i might bring it up and what to say exactly? Do i suggest she ignores him or just for her to tell me she's not going through with his plans?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 July 2010):
Realistically, you can't be her keeper, and you can't stop her from seeing people. She did ask your permission, which shows a certain level of respect. She is being honest. However, he has made it clear that he's interested in her, so whilst you can't stop her seeing him, it would be nice of her to reassure you.
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