A
male
age
51-59,
*dd_edd
writes:I met my wife 10 years and married for 2. I love deeply and think she is one of the most attractive women that I have ever seen.Occasionally I watch porn.By occasionally I mean I may not watch it for a few months then I may watch it say 3 or 4 times in a month.I would rather have sex with her anytime than watch porn.My reasons for watching it are not because I am not satisfied with my wife sexually.But if we have not had sex for a few weeks I will masturbate. I understand people feel not in the mood because of work stress and tiredness. I know it would be better to not use porn and just think about my wife but to put it bluntly I use it as a facilitator to get the job done quickly so I can get on with my normal life not thinking about sex. When my wife doesn’t want sex for a while I worry that she may be bored of me. So the last thing I want is for us to not have had sex for 2 weeks then when we do, it to last 2 minutes because I have not cum for ages and leaves my wife thinking it was crap.I have never compared my wife to the women in porn. But my wife was told me she has masturbated thinking of other guys. So what is the difference?My wife didnt mind porn. But about a year ago she caught me watching some porn when she was in bed 1 morning.I understood that this is a horrible thing to catch your husband doing. I agreed that I should never do it whilst she was in the house( and honestly I never had before). She was understandably very angry but later said she didnt mind if I watched porn occasionally. A few months later her friend told her that her husband was spending alot of money on porn behind her back and constantly watching it yet all the time denying it. After this my wife said she never wanted me to watch porn again and I agreed I wouldnt. Well She found a had downloaded some porn a about 6 weeks ago and says she totally doesnt trust me and says how does she know that I wouldnt have an affair and not tell her. I would never cheat on my wife period. I love her so much. I really didnt think it would do any harm.She says she is very unhappy and this makes me so sad.I have told her that I will try my hardest to never watch porn again but couldnt make an honest promise that I would never again in my life. She said this wasnt good enough as she knows I will do it again.I feel this is very unfair as I trust her even though she does things I dont like.She emails male friends regularly whom I have never met and one has even asked her to go fishing together then cook it on an open fire on the beach.He has also invited her to the theatre. I was unhappy with her talking to this guy because I thought he wanted more than friendship. She told me I could not control who she could or could not be friends with as “I trust her or I dont “and she would stop if she thought anything went too far. I thought about this and thought she has a point.Basically I dont know what to do. She is considering divorce over this. She says she loves me but cant trust me.
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affair, divorce, in the mood, money, period, porn Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): I have had exactly the same problem. My advice is to better understand why you are "using" porn. Once you figure that out and still want to "use" it, then ask her to star in a porn with you that you can use. Take some photos of her and use them. See how she feels about that idea.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): I know what the truth is, but I don't always live by this truth myself. Actually, porn is horrible. It's called total fleshly desire. It's all the desire of the flesh, and I hate to say it, but I find myself giving into it maybe five days at most a month? It all starts when I see a beautiful model or some beautiful woman on the internet. I am not married. Sometimes, I go a good while without watching a quick porno clip on one of those free porn sites, and then I end up slipping sometimes. I feel really guilty, and I end up beating myself up about it. I'm a Christian, too, so it's very difficult for me to deal with. I feel like such a stupid idiot watching it, and I find myself typing in the url to these quick flick sites. Since, I'm thirty-six, I go for days and days after without watching it. But, sometimes, I end up getting aroused. All I can say is that it's a sin, and I've tried to curb it. It's my only sin that sticks out like a sore thumb. It's the one sin I struggle with. Women. It's hard to overcome. But, I know where you're coming from. I do not judge you. I am not married, but as for your wife? I think it's a good idea to share with her your sexual fantasies and live those fantasies out. Tell her if she wishes you to not look at porn, then you guys need to fulfill those fantasies together, you know? It sure is complicated though. Porn is wrong though no matter which way you look at it. It's degrading to women, and the people who are involved with porn are most of the time low rent scum. They're either drug addicts or people who got abused as a child. They don't respect themselves at all, but they make tons of money on being in pornos. It's a lot of bad stuff, and I know it doesn't make God happy at all for you or I to be whacking off to some chick from the Bronx who got her start giving head. You know what I mean? It's pretty hard. I mean, the flesh is the flesh, and the spirit is the spirit. BUt, I pray than you and I both can not look at any porn anymore. I don't collect porn, and I don't have it stored on my computer. But, still, I type in those sites once in awhile, and it makes me feel really guilty.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): Hi,
Married almost 20 years, I would have to say that porn has a very fine line between just a little and just a little more or something different. Where do you draw the line??
It has been scientifically proven that when reaching an aroused climatic state your brain sears those images into memory. It all starts with the thinking then proceeds to actions.
If you are just doing "it" in order to get on with life then just do "it" without the porn. How about looking at picture of your wife rather than some complete stranger. Oh, but it's just not the same?? Why??
Bottom line it must be a decision couples make together otherwise, it can cause division within the marriage core--the deep secret place of a devoted couple's sexual intimacy where sharing your inner-most part has been infiltrated with a images of a stranger.
I don't think it is a matter of insecurity because common sense is that we all have strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, we can never be without some weakness that you may find as a strength in another(physical or emotional). How can't I feel a "little" jealous of the pornagraphic images that are embedded in your memory?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): i think you are talking to me and I am talking to you because we love significant others who don't seem to think we are that significant to them. you can come up with all sorts of excuses for her and ways to improve yourself but the point is you are not happy. Here's the question, why are you not happy in your marriage?
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A
male
reader, edd_edd +, writes (12 December 2007):
edd_edd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo she didnt go fishing with him. He has just asked her to go and also to the movies and theatre. I didnt like this because I have never met him before and think that he wants more than friendship and I am sure my wife can see that although she says he is just like that with everybody and probably asked her tothe theatre because he didnt know what else to do as she told me he didnt like drinking much. Anyway when they email each other he is always saying how drunk and what a good time he has had and was my wife out that night ect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): You said you don't have sex with your wife for two weeks and then she goes fishing with her male friend and makes you feeling guilty for watching porn?! Sorry to say this but you have more problems than meets the eye. I feel sorry for you.
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A
male
reader, edd_edd +, writes (12 December 2007):
edd_edd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks everyone for your advice. It is very helpful to see other peoples opinions especially womens point of view.I am glad to say that my wife not saying she wants a divorce but she is still feeling if she can trust me.I said that all men have probably done the same, so she says she just has to accept thats what all men do so now she will start doing what all women do? not sure what she means by that. She says she thinks I will always just do as I want. My wife hates boxing and thinks it should be illegal. When I was a teenager I did alot of martial arts then as I got older I stopped. I got into other sports and have my whole live enjoyed competion in sport. For a long time I used to say to my wife that I wish I had not stopped doing martial arts. She encouraged me that I should start up again as i have always enjoyed it and thought it would be good for me socially because I work from home. So about 3 years ago i went back to martial arts and the club i was with wanted me to compete in a kickboxing match. My wife said she didnt like it, but I said i wanted to do it. She seemed okay about it to me. I told her a year later I wanted to compete again. She said she was not happy about it but did not put her foot down and say you are not doing this. So I entered the competion again. Afterwards she was very angry and said she didnt know if she could live with someone like me who would fight in the ring. She said that I just did it anyway even though she didnt like it. I saw how much didnt want me to do it again and told her I would never compete again even though it was something I really wanted to do especially the fact I am representing my club and want to support the other fighters there ect. Anyway I thought my marriage was more important and have now stopped competing. I stil go to the club train and spa ect as she i fine about this.She just says now with me watching porn she thinks i will always just do as I want. I really want my relationship to work and my family life is the most important thing to me. I hope that she is beginning to understand that I may have done things she doesnt like, and made some mistakes but have never done anything delibrately to hurt her
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A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (11 December 2007):
Your question, is it wrong to occasionally use porn? No of course not. Is it wrong to use porn behind your partners back , knowing it will upset them?...probably.
I think what you are doing here is tallying up the whos right or wrong in your relationship. When a relationship starts to go bad and partners aren't happy thats a common trait as we try to justify how we're feeling.
From what you've said about her talking to other men, obviously this is a betrayal in any relationship. I honestly think you have more going on here then just a few problems about porn.
Time to start doing some soul searching and inevitably some talking to your other half.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): I have just been through exactly the same thing as your wife and I reacted really badly. Then I thought about it. Looking at pornography every few months is not an addiction (11 hours per week is accepted as an established addiction) and if it does not affect your intimacy with your wife it is not a problem. There needs to be some clarity and honestly here. For instance I had to admit that once or twice I have looked for this stuff myself. Once in a blue moon, but still I did not think I was being unfaithful to my husband either. I don’t want it all around me and I don’t want to know what he does but I have explained what is reasonable in my opinion. He has agreed to stick to that and I will not be checking up on him.
What alarms me about your wife’s response is it seems a little convenient. Are you sure she is not using it as an excuse? The coincidence of finding out about her clandestine contacts with other men is a bit too much. That is really being unfaithful and more worrying than your activity.
Nobody is perfect and you should not be punishing yourself like this. If she loved you she would be concerned enough to resolve it with you. If she blames you for a split because you have had the odd look at pornography it is completely unreasonable.
Some people do think that looking at that stuff is betrayal, which is fine if that is something they would never do themselves, ever. If they say one thing and have done/do another it is just not fair in any sense. I have a feeling that if your wife really hated it you would not do it. I expect you would be willing to find ways of spicing up your own sex life instead. You seem kind, loving and thoughtful. This is something she is taking for granted.
You may need a period of time to settle things with her so do not be too hasty. I needed about a month to cool down but I can say now that I truly trust my husband to protect our relationship, as much as I respect his right to be a normal man.
You could try to negotiate with her about this, but it is going to be a tough negotiation with her if she does want to split up because she will use this excuse and not let you off the hook. You may be unable, conveniently for her, to persuade her that you will not do it again. You will blame yourself. That is just too much responsibility for you to take and if you find her doing that please resist the urge to accept it. She may as an alternative, simply want to punish you mightily. There are so many people getting addicted to online porn and it is such a scary possibility. The whole thing is hateful, the industry, the vicious way that mainly women’s bodies are exploited and the way that women who are often damaged spend emotional currency for something that is just not essential. Some men find they just can’t find intimacy with a real person anymore. They get used to instant gratification like the sex version of drive-through burger joints. Plus a man knows he will not be judged on his performance by a remote porn star, unlike a real woman.
However, there is also the possibility of being realistic and being able to live with it in a sensible way. She probably got very scared by the experience of her friend. You could offer to get rid of the computer for a while, why not? Or make it entirely open so she can check anything she wants and vice versa. During which time try re-kindle your romance. She could be feeling unfulfilled and you may be able to do something about it.
However, if she persists with wanting to go, let her. You can not stop her. You can make it clear that you may be prepared to consider trying again but that you will not guarantee how you would feel. After all she thinks little enough of your relationship not to work on this problem. All couples have problems.
If you try to stop her she will look down on you as weak. Take some power back and assert yourself. I do not mean shout etc. Being firm is about the only thing that will impress her just now. I know it may seem very difficult because all you will probably want to do is apologise and hope to convince her. It would be your worse option, be strong. Tell her that you understand how she feels and would be happy to work on it, but that you are not prepared to work on it alone. You deserve better and if she wants to seek a divorce you will not stop her. You have nothing to lose. If she loves you she will try again. If not you are best shot of her, even though it sounds terrible at least you will have been true to yourself and strong. I wish you huge luck, what a lucky woman she is to be so loved.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): Your wife sounds strong, and you sound very weak, under her heel so to speak. You are sexually frustrated and you cannot even admit it to yourself that if she was into you more, you would have a better sex life and you would not have to watch port and masturbate. Sorry to tell you that but watching porn is not the problem you two have, it is something else. Do some thinking and some talking to her. Speak the truth!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): From my perspective (8 year relationship), no. And the worst part of is your made to feel guilty about it. We all have different levels of labeto, but it sounds like there are more problems you need to deal with, #1 being communication with your wife.
I'd say once a week to two times a week is normal for sex with your partner, then the porn will no longer be needed.
It ain't the porn.
Your relationship needs work - Communication.
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A
female
reader, chrissy32789 +, writes (11 December 2007):
 I dont understand what the problem is with you watching porn. Because if she gets off by thinking about other guys then that is a bigger issue then you watching porn! If I was you then i would really sit down and talk to her about this just because her friends husband is going out and spending money on porn that dont mean that you are the same way. So really sit down and tell her how you feel because its not right! Just explain to her what you told us. How she can go weeks with out giving you sex and then when you dont get off then you will only last a few seconds and she wont be happy.
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A
female
reader, Serinity +, writes (11 December 2007):
 O.K. here it goes. It's not bad to watch porn as long as your wife doesn't mind. Doing it behind her back is what is unacceptable. Hiding something from your spouse is bad enough, but being caught is even worse. Once the trust factor is broken, it is so hard for most women to regain that trust again. It's very painful to catch your spouse doing something behind your back, especially sexually related. Your intentions are not bad, I can totally understand where your coming from as far as an inbetween sex reliever and it's obvious that you love and adore your wife, porn is just a substitute when you can't have her. Had you told her the same things you've explained here (before you proceeded to do it behind her back)then I'm sure she would have been much more understanding. The whole delima here is doing it behind her back. I'm sure it bothers you when she talkes/e-mails other guys as you've described, but she doesn't do it behind your back, you are aware of it, and if she was trying to hide something you would not be aware of the conversations she is openly having with these other guys. Do I think it's right that she's doing it? No, honestly I don't. But the key factor here is that she's not hiding it from you. Now, if she was to start going out to the theatre and such with this other man, then I would definitely put the ol' foot down and discuss the trust factor on her part. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that you should always be honest with your spouse no matter what, because the concequences are going to be a lot more harsh if you hide something and get caught. I would work on repairing the trust factor with her. Explain to her that you've had time to think about it and you understand why she is so upset. I would apologize and reassure her that if she does not want you to view porn EVER again, that you won't. Tell her that she is far more important than porn and you will never let that come between you two again. If you really love her the way you say you do, then you've got some butt kissing to do to get it back to the way it was, if not better. Good Luck Sweetie!
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (11 December 2007):
 Porn can be scary to some women, as some guys have become addicted to it, and how do they know that their husband won't be one of the ones who does? This guy she's been talking to, she should know his intentions and stop talking to him altogether. I don't think it's right of her to play games with him when she knows full well that she is a married woman. It's not about trust, it's about avoiding temptation. She's trying to get you to avoid temptation, but she should also follow her own advice instead of being a hypocrite.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): Those to cast blame about untrustworthy behavior do so because they are untrustworthy themselves. I would suggest couples/marriage counseling. It sounds like she's got a little bit of a trust problem, being upset about porn once a week yet going to hang out with a guy you're clearing unsure about. Her answer shouldn't be, "Don't you trust me?" it should be a comforting, honest reply about a guy she's just friends with. But even so, I don't like the cooking on the beach/going to theater thing. That doesn't sound good. I think you have a healthy porn attitude. If she was ok with it, then not, then ok again, that's hard on you. Try to determine what about it made her alright with it. I'm ok with porn if it's very seldom, gives us ideas, and the girls resemble me, I'm a thin, small chested, brunette. One of my exs looked only Busty Blondes, clearly he wanted something I wasn't. Good Luck to you, and I hope counseling works out!
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