A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Please could you tell me how you would feel about this. I am recently married and have found out that my new husband discusses our personal life and things about me personally with one of the mothers of his children, asking for advice and her view on things. I think this is totally unacceptable and a complete no no. I really don't want my personal affairs to be discussed with anyone at all other than between the two of us. What do you think?
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 February 2010):
 It is inappropriate and wrong if you feel not OK with it.He should respect your decisions and stop discussing your married life with the ex.
If you love a person , you should not be doing things that will displease or hurt your spouse's feelings..Period!
Both of you should be able to reach a consensus about any differences or seek a compromise.
What happens in the marriage behind closed doors is not privy to outsiders. No buts !!!END of the story.
I would agree with your stand.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have been married 2 months and have known each other for 20 years. He had a child with this lady 22 years ago. They never lived together but have remained friends and she will ask him advice about her boyfriends, work etc. My husband has 2 children with 2 other women who he only communicates with about the children. I discuss things with my female friends but wouldn't dream of discussing personal aspects of our life with someone I had slept with however many years ago it was. I accept people need to talk and my husband and I have discussed various issues but we have very opposing views so outside comments are useful. I just find it hard to see the person as purely a friend because they have a shared past and cannot imagine her view would be non-judgementaL. I have met her and she is a perfectly pleasant woman but I just don't like to think of her having knowledge about our relationship. I do accept that you cannot stop people talking or doing whatever they want to do but I don't think they should do it if you ask them not to and explain that you don't want past loves knowing your business.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): How long ago did they divorce and how many years are u married
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A
male
reader, 40somethingguy +, writes (15 February 2010):
Maybe your new husband is asking advice from someone who he trusts to give advice, for a womans perspective you need to ask a woman so if its not a mother or sister then it needs to be someone else who he feels comfortable with to discuss details of your relationship, if that is what is being discussed??
Perhaps you do not want your husband discussing your problems with others in case they come down on his side and you are then seen to be wrong.
maybe he is discussing things to try and find a solution to what ever your problems are.
I think that discussing problems with friends is perfectly normal, the friend in this case is the mother of his child, how long have they been apart, is it a recent seperation, how old is the child, is their relationship well and truely over.
good luck with the question and maybe you two should learn to communicate a little better.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (15 February 2010):
 Do you discuss your relationship with your friends? Does he then have to be around your friends, knowing that you have shared personal information with them? If you don't want him to discuss things with his friend (which it sounds like she is), then you can't talk about your relationship with your friends, either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou have all made very good points. He has known the mother of his first child for over 25 years and they are good friends. I just think some things are private and I wouldn't particularly want to see her knowing he has discussed intimate things about us with her. I have explained to my husband that I am unhappy about it but he says she is the only female he knows and trusts who would give impartial advice. I am truly not jealous of her or anything like that but I don't think that the advice could truly be impartial and I wouldn't dream of discussing my new husband's business in any way with my ex husband even though we too are still very friendly. I think to discuss things with friends and to ask for general advise is normal but I think it is the point of who she is/ was to him that makes me think it is not quite right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): i think what stands out more is that he must find you very unreasonable to talk to. you dont want personal affairs being spoke about,yet its exactly what you are doing here right now.
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A
female
reader, billy bilou  +, writes (15 February 2010):
 I agree with caring guy. It depends on how personal these things are. You must understand that he has been with this woman before you, this may explain his attachment to her. He may be taking her simply as a confident. If I were you, I would have talked to him and tell him that he should feel himself free to discuss any subject with you without fear of you getting angry. You're make your best to understand and find possible solutions.
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A
female
reader, B123  +, writes (15 February 2010):
 Have you told him that it bothers you? I imagine you have as you sound bit upset. I think he tells her as when a man and woman are friends the censorship goes - so it can be one of two things. 1) They are just friends and he is not hoping to get back with her so just says whatever about your relationship. Its not fair on you and he should respect your feelings on this matter if you have confronted him about it. 2) He still has a close connection to her - maybe its ONLY cos of the children involved and has mixed up feelings about your relationship with him. What I wonder is what went wrong in their relationship? do you happen to know?? Why did she leave him? Did he do the same thing to her? Did he confide in another woman while he was with her? I don't think he is having an affair with her if that is what you may worry about, of course its hard on you. But your communication needs to get better between you now. I guess there is a lot of tension and you guys have more non-verbal communication going on. I think maybe sit him down and say calmly..ALWAYS calmly...don't raise your voice, keep cool even if it bothers you, try to avoid using 'you 'you you words when you speak to him but say that if he has a problem with your relationship you would rather he came to you about it first! see how he reacts. If he says well she is just a friend - don't let it upset you. Just calmly say fine, but surely if you have a problem with me you should be addressing it to me not asking the advice of others? ANYWAY hope it works out for you but in the meantime, try not to let it eat away at your mind. I know its hurting you but even if you 'tell him' to avoid her etc, he will prob do the opposite and besides he does he can still find ways to communicate, email etc..so best to not tell him what to do but just simply say I would rather you came to me first...
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 February 2010):
Well don't be too quick to condemn him. Yes, he is talking to his ex about personal things between you two, which would be better left private. But please remember that he is actually asking for advice about things between you two, rather than just bitching or moaning. I would talk to him and ask him why he won't speak to you about private things. But remember that he is at least asking for advice, which is better than not asking for it and letting everything go wrong.
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