A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all. Im a 32 year old woman. A year ago, I moved back to my home town after years of depression and a breakdown. My relationship was collapsing, I couldn't hold down a job, the town I lived in was crime riddled and grey and I just had to leave or lose my mind. During the past year, I've moved three times, lost a job, gained a job, repaired my relationship and for the past three months have been happy and busy both at work and home for the first time in years. When I left it was abrupt. I explained everything to those i left behind. I've been back to the old town a couple of times but it's hard for me to be there. The group of friends I had were a lot younger than me, and while aware of my illness I never felt that they truly understood. Conversations were always limited to their problems, one particular friend demanded so much of my time on her (minor) relationship problems we didn't talk about anything else for years! Since I left I've heard from them rarely. I do my best to keep in touch- email, facebook, but weeks can pass before a response. Yet, they like to make me feel bad as though I'm the one who should be making all the effort. Comments from them appear on Facebook about 'communication' being a 'lost art'. I've come to realise that the relationships I had with these people were very one sided-they were always happy to dump their problems on me but rarely let me do the same. My grandmother passed away around Christmas and not one of them contacted me. I suppose i should let these friendships die but the problem is that my partner is still close to the men in the group, and I fear this may cause issues in future. It's fine for him, they talkaway while i have to sit and listen to the same one sided conversations ive been listening to for years and bask in guilt. What do i do? Ihope this makes sense!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): It makes a lot of sense! It sounds like these friends want things on their terms. They expect you to be there for them, but don't offer the same in return. I've been experiencing a similar thing lately. I devoted a lot of my time and energy in being there for certain friends. I dropped everything to help them. But now that their problems are over...I never hear from them. They aren't interested in talking to me at all. Until they want something, of course.
It hurt a lot, and I felt quite used. It took a while for me to realise what was happening. But now I see that they just aren't worth the energy anymore. It sounds harsh, but friendships are supposed to be about being there for each other. It doesn't sound like you are getting that.
I guess you could stay in touch with these people, but try to relax more. I recently heard a phrase which I think sums it up: "Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option". They aren't stressing themselves over you, why should you worry so much about them?
I know it is easier said than done though. But I think you will end up feeling completely drained with trying to keep these people happy! Maybe you could start to limit the contact you have with them. Try and ignore any comments they make on Facebook, and tell them you are a bit busy. They may not like it, but they will have to deal with that. Being a bit firmer with them might even make them more respectful of you. If not though...then I honestly don't think you will be losing much. They don't sound like good friends to me.
I can understand your concerns that this may make things difficult in the future, as your partner is friends with some of the men in the group. But I think you have been through an awful lot, and should try and think about yourself now, instead of trying to please other people so much. You need to look after yourself too! Your partner may be close to some of these people, but it doesn't mean you should be too. Everyone is entitled to their own friends, and if it's not them, so be it.
Please try and think of yourself more. I know it is hard, but you deserve it. Take care. x
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