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female
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anonymous
writes:I'm 20, female and from a traditional muslim family. I was abused in more ways then one, everyone thinks I'm useless. I completed my A levels, got into uni but my parents didn't let me go. I have no indepedence, no job, no money, no life and have depression. A prisoner in my own home, I want to achieve my dreams, go to uni, do aid work etc. but the only way I can is to leave home but leaving home is the worst thing you can do, it brings shame. If I leave I lose my family for forever! My friends and I would have to leave my hometown. Is it worth losing my family and friends in order to achieve my dreams?
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female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (19 February 2009):
 It must be really hard for you right now, but please do keep faith in being strong. Child abuse is not confined to Muslim families only, unfortunately it also happens accross the world regardless of their cultures and religion.You are not useless. The fact that you got accepted into university is a good indication that you are a very intelligent person.I have some thoughts on this that I'd like you to think carefully, and see if any of them is doable for you. I know this may sound a bit cheesy, but have you seen some of Mira Nair's films? Also, films like "East is East" (made in 2000), or "Bend it like Beckham" would be good to watch, for educational purposes. I am sure if you googled for films that address similar social/ciultural issues, you'll find plenty (and not necessarily of Muslim/Hindu faith/culture either).Do you have access to internet at home? If you do, perhaps you can start by doing lots of research on the web, to find out if there are others who are in the same predicament as you are right now. You are not alone (particularly in this planet with billions of people with thousands of cultures in it).Now for my suggestions to you.First: List your dreams (yes, plural, as you may have more than one, or at least you may have tiers of those dreams)Second: Spend a lot of time searching online, then list options and alternatives. Be creative in using various keywords to widen and narrow your search. Spend not just one day, but a number of days (and weeks) into this search.Third: Can you do an online course? One that will ultimately give you a degree or diploma? Or maybe, think of potential skills/jobs that will be "non-threatening" to your family? For instance, being a mid-wife (think of the financial prospects, what with thousands of Muslim women who would prefer to be cared for by a Muslim woman mid-wife!) :-)Fourth: Now that you are well equipped with information (articles, papers, books, blogs, etc), weigh your list (oftions) against your other list (of dreams). What are the pros and cons of each option for you, in terms of your emotional stability as well as welfare and financial stability?Fifth: If at all possible, start discussing this with your family again. By now, you will also be well equipped with background information to back up your argument. If that failed, and if you persevered, in 2-4 years time you may already have a diploma that you can use to find work! By which time, you may also have enough courage to leave home and be on your own.Sixth. If you think by leaving home you will bring shame to your family, yes it is a tough decision, but ultimately it is your life that you are living. I don't thnik your world is just your immediate family, and not every Muslim family you meet and know will feel the same about your situation. I am sure you will find friends (Muslim or not) who will lend you a helping hand and support you in your times of need.I hope at least your mother and your siblings will continue to love you and visit you (even if they had to do it discreetly) if and when you decided to move out and make it on your own. I have a friend whose father said would disown her if she did not do what she was told (i.e. choose a particular degree). She complied, then after she graduated, she broke off her ties and pursued her dream (of being a photographer). She is beginning to make her name in this competitive world, and has since reconciled with her family (actually, her dad is now very proud of her).Again, only you know what is best for your current situation, but I hope that not only will you be able to heal from your emotional scars (from years of abuse), but that you will also be a stronger person in whatever decision you make. Insha Allah.Good luck!Cat
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): This is a difficult choice, but realise that you only have one choice to make, not two. Whether or not your family want to disown you is not a choice you have to make, it is a choice your family has to make if you leave to live your life - this makes a difference. They might choose, in time, to forgive you and love you rather than disown you. You can let go of the responsibility for this choice, and leave that up to them. You only have the choice of whether or not to follow your dreams, your heart, and be yourself, or to live in fear and depression. I encourage you to be yourself and follow your heart. There may be a price to pay, but it is less of a price than sacrificing who you are. You can't control what your family will do, but if they are not supporting you to be the person you want to be, you don't make things better by not supporting yourself, you just compound the problem. Remember too that, even if your family do disown you initially, in time they may not, and then you will have a win win situation. I acknowledge that this is a difficult situation and wish you all the best.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): This is a tough one. It seems like you would win some and lose some with either choice. Do what will hurt you the least.
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A
male
reader, jay12toes  +, writes (19 February 2009):
 i completely agree with eocalla. follow you dreams. later in life your ganna wish you had.
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A
male
reader, eocalla +, writes (19 February 2009):
Go for your dreams! If your family won't support you in following your goals and dreams then forgive me for saying so but you don't need them in your life.
Get out there and be who you want to be! your story touches me and I wish you success in your endeavors!
Remember that dreams and goals are what keep us alive!
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