A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I got in a disagreement earlier with my mom and brother that really made me upset. I won't go into how we got onto this subject, but my mom and brother were telling me that all men cheat or want to cheat, and that for me to believe otherwise is naive. I told them that there is something called self control, and they told me I need to just accept the fact. It really makes me angry that they would tell me something like this, especially my mother who is the one who is supposed to teach me about healthy relationships with men. Why would she say this to me? It was like hearing from my mother and brother at the same time that I am doomed to be cheated on by every man, and if he doesn't cheat he is at least wishing he could. I just feel like as a woman I won't ever be good enough for any man, I will just be his lover and his wife and maybe the mother of his children, but there will be a void I am leaving him that he wishes he could fill elsewhere. Are they right? I know it's true that not all men cheat, but what about WANTING to cheat? Am I naive for wishing this wasn't the case? Is it so wrong to feel upset by this? I don't understand. Why would we be made so unequal, with women wanting a man to be faithful and a man made biologically to be anything but? To me that seems really unfair. I have heard this many times from people other than my mom and brother too, from friends etc. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, whiteelephant +, writes (17 October 2010):
people can't control what they're attracted to. what matters isn't if they are or not, but what they choose to do with those feelings.
if anybody tells you different, they're lying. so your mom is kind of right, on a biological instinctual level every guy 'wants' to cheat, but that doesn't mean before in the act or after he could live with himself. if that makes sense
there are guys who will never, ever ever cheat.
A
male
reader, soul83  +, writes (17 October 2010):
Don't always listen to advice from the biased. My SO has been burnt in the past too. So her view is that all men cheat. This really angered and upset me when she directed at me!
At the end of the day, I also believe in self-control. No bloody way would I cheat on someone. However, many people lack the self-decency and control to honor their relationships. To them, it's about having a bit of fun on the side.
It also depends on what you class as cheating. I think most couples do go through the stages early on in the relationship with things that could be considered emotional cheating??
I thought about what it would like to just play around and I couldn't imagine just doing that because after sex, you would be left with an empty feeling...I would rather enjoy it with a partner that I cared for!
I guess that makes me different. I'm a lot more traditional!
As for looking, it's only human nature to enjoy the view. I don't make it obvious, don't do it all the time and definitely don't do it in front of my partner!
...............................
A
female
reader, yaytentacles +, writes (17 October 2010):
 Well, I agree with most of the posters here that not all men want to cheat. HOWEVER.
gonna quote my friend here...
"I had this epiphany-
Marriage was a great idea back in the day because people didn’t live as long! You died when you were 30-40 and you got married at around 13-20 so you were only with the person for like 20 years or so. Now its more than 50 years…
Why marriage doesn’t work now-a-days."
Bottom line, I think people just get sick of each other. Humans are animals, after all. Maybe we just like to think that we mate for life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all, I am glad to hear your thoughts. It was great to hear this especially from men as well as a woman. My mom's father cheated on my grandmother when my mom was young and left my grandmother alone with 4 kids. My mom was married once before my dad and he cheated on her and lied to her so much that I think he was a sociopath from what my mom has told me. My dad did kiss another woman once when he was on a business trip in Brazil, but he told my mom the instant he got home and he was crying and told her she could leave him and he would understand. I never found that out until recently and it happened when I was pretty young. My dad is a really good man, but it still of course upsets me that he did that. It does put me at ease that he came clean as soon as he could, but I hope that is something I never have to go through.
My brother and his girlfriend have each cheated on each other multiple times. My brother also said that a lot of times men cheat because there are women who will do anything to get with a man in a relationship and it's hard to resist. My brother is not the most trustworthy of people in general, so it was more my mom I was upset about. I think her past experiences might play into why she thinks this way, but that doesn't mean you should pass your fears on to your daughter.
Once again, I really appreciate your responses. Any new ones are welcome also. Cerberus, you did make sense in pointing out the difference of being tempted and wanting to and that was great clarification. Have a good night all ;)
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (17 October 2010):
 Such statements are the children of ignorance. There are some men who will definitely cheat and there are some who wish to cheat and then there are some men who would never dream of cheating. Eventually, I think most people will face a time in their life where they begin to doubt and that is what leads people to cheat or at least consider it. Commend the ones who realize how precious their marriage is, damn the ones who give it all up for something less. Perhaps your Mother has gone through bad experiences? I hear of women who have three or more exes in a row that cheat on them out of no fault of their own. Which is something else I would like to add, a lot of women tend to think that perhaps something is wrong with them. To any one of those women reading this, please do not think that, there is NEVER a reason to cheat. If you feel you do not love someone, you tell them. It is the cheaters fault alone.
I think your Brother is looking for an excuse because he thinks he probably will cheat and saying such things will mean that if/when he does, his family will not be surprised. But do not believe them. There are men out there who dedicate their lives to the woman they love and are willing to bleed for them. That sort of love and bond between two lovers is unbreakable. But people cannot control what they feel and both men and women are susceptible to cheating. It is how they act when faced with this daunting change in emotion that determines how noble they really are and how strong their marriage is. I hear about people who are tempted to cheat but that does not mean they stop loving their spouse and eventually they learn to just focus on their marriage and never let it go.
There is your answer. Men AND women are TEMPTED to cheat but that does not mean they WANT to cheat. I hope that makes sense.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (17 October 2010):
 You mother and brother are wrong, not all men cheat or want to cheat.
Some men have witnessed within their own families the effects of cheating, of being disloyal, of ignoring vows made and determine at a very young age that they will not be responsible for such destruction of a family or relationship.
To infer men have a natural instinct to bonk everything in sight without thought is an ignorant insult and taramount to saying rape is okay!
Sorry to disappoint your mom and brother but such neaderthal thinking went out with the ice ages!
...............................
|
