A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with a younger man now for three years and I am beginning to feel that I am being taken for granted but as it has gone on for so long dont know how to deal with the matter. We get on very well together and the age gap doesnt seem to be a problem. I run a successful business and he too has a well paid job in the city. He now lives at my house at least five days a week. He doesnt have a car so we use mine every where we go and I pick him up from work and drop him back to the station in the morning. I have an aupair and he gets all his washing and ironing done plus all his meals cooked whilst he is here. Recently I took my children to a family wedding in Belfast and I paid for the whole trip including his and he didnt even ask me how much the bill was. I didnt mind paying flights and hotel for my children as they dont earn very much and one has a small child but his expenses are more than some people earn in a year.The problem is that he contributes nothing to the household or to running the car or towards the aupair costs. He is not generous to me and he may buy a takeaway occasionally and when we go out for a meal he does pay but never to anywhere that special. Am I being taken for a sucker and is it time to lay my cards on the table for him to contribute towards his keep or has he just got used to me being too generous with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies which are very helpful and you are right that I have to address the situation as I get moody now when we do the weekly shopping and he fills up the trolley with his toileteries and treats and what he likes for dinner without offering any contribution. I dont expect him to pay towards my mortgage or household bills or really even the aupair as they are all accounted for and I have invited him to be there with me, but just the food bill and occasionally putting petrol in the car as he is a high earner and I know he can afford it.
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male
reader, ShouldKnowBetter +, writes (24 March 2008):
You dont say how much younger and you dont say earnings... there are plenty who work in the city making very poor money.Obviously you are not happy with the current situation but I agree with the previous person in that I suspect there is more going on.There is a logical argument that you are paying for an au pair already so what if they do one extra load of washing etc. To play devils advocate, if you expect him to pay costs towards your home's upkeep are you also happy to pay towards his? Irrespective of where he happens to sleep he still has to pay rent/ mortgage, council tax etc on his own place.Relationships are built on communication and you clearly need to speak to him about the situation
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reader, Paladin  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 My guess is that there is more going on than what you shared. Since you have been together for three years I suspect things are pretty much what they have been for most of the relationship. The issue of money may concern you more because you may feel he has little or no ambition. Or perhaps there is something else missing in the relationship. His not asking about the bill was probably the result of his already knowing it was large and knowing he had no way or no intention to contribute. It may even be embarrassing to him. I don’t know how much money he makes but I suspect you do and therefore you should know what amount he could contribute and yes you should expect and receive something. On the other hand he may well be using you and saving his money to move on when he can. You know him better than anyone and you will have to decide on that. It does sound like you have spoiled him a bit and with that in mind the corrective measures are always tougher than had you had some ground rules right from the start. Regarding what you spend on your children, that is entirely separate and they are your children so do what you want it has nothing to do with him. What is clear is that you are not happy with this relationship as is it is and with that in mind you need to deal with it. I suggest you have a heart to heart conversation with him and put everything out on the table. If he truly cares about you he will do what is right.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 I think it would be very good if you asked him to give a contribution to the household, and not only in terms of money but also with the house chores. I anticipate trouble, because now he is used to just extending his hand and having everything done, but it's about time he gets moving. It's not like he would have trouble covering his own expenses.
I have the feeling that perhaps the emotional burden of being with him is way heavier than the financial burden of covering all his expenses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): You need to tell him straight up how you feel! this guy seems to just be using you for the money. Maybe I'm wrong but thats what it looks like . Tell him that you would like it if he chipped in a bit or somthing like that. And if he refuses then you need to stop wasting your hard earned money on this fool . sorry to say it that way but you get the point. You seem like a nice hard waorking woman who deserves the same out of a man. He needs to wake up and realize all you do for him and he needs to help out.I hope this helped in some way . I wish you the very best and hope everything works out for you .:)
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