A
male
age
30-35,
*inetiesKid
writes:I often feel very alone and have this need, almost, to have a girlfriend, someone I can listen and talk to and feel completely immersed in conversation without being just friends.A thought occured to me this evening, I don't have to be anyone but me to find this person but I fear that my social anxiety prohibits me from meeting anyone new, my worries and anxieties are me. I've had therapy to sort these things out but I'm thinking that this will never change, maybe I should accept this and embrace it, stop being hard on myself and just be me.Being me has its problems. Meeting new people and making new friends is something that does not happen often, and it's because of this my potential partner is unlikely to be on my horizon, so to speak, anytime soon. I'm not giving people a chance. But giving people a chance usually means striking up conversation and my utmost worst social scenario is striking up a conversation and it going nowhere other then "Hi, good music isn't it." obviously this isn't my approach, I don't think it is at least.I've had girlfriends and I currently have a friend who may be a girlfriend at a later date. She is nice and everything but I do not completely like this girl because there isn't all that much chemistry going on between us. I figured that you know whether or not you want someone to be your partner without any doubts but I am full of doubt that things will work. My friend tells me that I think about things too much, I don't believe I can help this, as a fan of some aspects of genetics and biology I see it as a survival trait. I constantly make assumptions for how things will turn out and I have been right on many occasions, this applies in scenarios for me as well as friends.So what do I do?A. Pretend to be happy and worry-free, give every new person I meet this fake pretense and have them always expecting me to be the person they met,B. Be myself with nothing but hope that this cool person just pops up one day in my usual life.Also, I don't want to read about any of this "fake it 'till you make it" stuff. TL;DR Do I pretend to be happy and worry-free, give every new person I meet this fake pretense and have them always expecting me to be the person they met,OrBe myself with nothing but the hope that girlfriend material will pop up one day in my usual life? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): Love, embrace, and be confident about everything about you. Anything a bit different or quirky about yourself- love it, laugh about it if its appropriate. When you love who you are, others will love and accept you too. Be confident that who you are is just fine.Change anything about yourself that YOU WANT TO. You do not want to pretend to be someone you are not, because... if someone falls in love with the fake you, then either 1. You will have to pretend for the rest of your life or 2. they will fall out of love when the real you shows.I do believe in being the best we can be, and if something is worth working on or changing... do it.... and be honest about the fact that you know its a weakness and you work on it.for example: I found I used to make jokes that were sometimes hurtful to some people... they were funny to lots of people, but some people didn't understand my sense of humour...so I did modify it.. out of respect for peoples feelings.Continue to be true to yourself, and who you truely are, and you will attract someone that loves/likes that sort of person.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): I think you do over think things, your friend is right. A little light small talk is how most people start of a conversation, it is a life skill. Then, you present yourself in your most favourable light when getting to know someone. It is a real turn off when people gets too honest and earnest too soon. You need to build relationships, gently revealing your inner self as you become comfortable with a person. You won't click with everybody by any means, but give yourself a chance by not getting to analytical about details and just go with the flow.
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reader, NinetiesKid +, writes (20 April 2012):
NinetiesKid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome very good advice here, for that I wish to thank all of you for being a tremendous help. Thank you.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (20 April 2012):
 Many stage shows, movies and TV skits are based on just this issue.... someone pretending to be someone OTHER than who they REALLY are..... "Mrs Doubtfire" comes prominently to mind.....IF you choose to "be someone other than who you really are" then you will be accepting that you are "living" a facade... and, over time, you almost-certainly will find that it's far more difficult to "keep up appearances" than it is to simply be yourself...For that reason, I suggest that you RE-EXAMINE who you are.... being 'way less self-critical. LOOK at your appearance, your education, your energy level, your skills... and figure out just WHAT A NICE GUY YOU ARE, after all..... AND, some day, some where, some lucky girl is going to encounter you.... she's going to like what she sees... and she's going to make that known to you... After that, you will be "on your way" to attracting and keeping that young woman who you'd like to be your "girlfriend." Be yourself!!! It WORKS!!! Good luck....
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): "my utmost worst social scenario is striking up a conversation and it going nowhere other then "Hi, good music isn't it." obviously this isn't my approach, I don't think it is at least."
OP what makes you think you're the one who has to or is going to be in control of every social situation?
I think what you're friend means by thinking too much is you're putting too much responsibility on yourself to make social encounters a success. I'm as confident, outgoing and talkative as you can get, yet even I can't make all social situations a success and I still have plenty of awkward silences. I used to have very bad social anxiety too. The only way to overcome it is by doing it anyway. It comes natural to some OP but introverts have to practice and do so not afraid of failing.
It doesn't matter if you think too much, do it anyway. It's fairly logical really isn't it? Just do it OP and keep doing it. It's like anything in life the more you do something the better you get at it and the less fear that you get from it.
Like driving a car can be a scary-ass thing. But the more you drive the more intuitive it becomes and you the more you do it the more responses you learn and the more confident you get.
"I don't believe I can help this, as a fan of some aspects of genetics and biology I see it as a survival trait."
Well that's a very counter-intuitive form of genetics isn't it? How is it survival to deny yourself the very basic instinct and most important aspect of our species success? Without sociability our species would have died out long ago. We don't have amazing strength or fur to protect us from the cold, we don't have claws. We survived by being together as a unit, combining our experiences and intelligence and teaching each things like building fires and huts.
No offence OP but your biological explanation for your anxiety is bullshit and you need to stop using it as an excuse because it's not one. It's actually a flawed logic and one you need to get rid of. How would we reproduce if everyone was too scared to talk to anyone else because they were too busy over-thinking everything? How would we know that berry was poisonous if some crazy bastard didn't decide to eat it?
OP just get out there and be willing to fail. Those who dare win and from a guy who had your problem who no longer has I can tell you that is the only and best way to do it.
So stop trying to legitimize your fear and excuse it, you should be willing to conquer it instead and fighting beyond it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): hi
i understand how this totally sucks because i am and have been in that position as an insecure, socially anxious, introverted person who's always analyzing and observing what's going and which doesnt help at all when im on a social situation (or even at work actually).
Unfortunately we are in a world where people tend to be superficial and judgmental and where first impressions count.
From my experience (if that can maybe help), i attracted boyfriends and dates (currently im 3 years with my current bf) when i first put on my "happy/pretend" personality: positive (which is certainly the total opposite of me) and most importantly: spontaneous/confident. I was able to feel spontaneus when i put in my head that "nothing matters" and stop worrying on consequences and analyzing a situation (that took away a lot of pressure). Basically this allowed me to be able to meet guys and appear as attractive and go on dates and then see if it clicks or not (when you realize you are genuinely comfortable with a person so actually acting happy or spontaneous is not a chore/fake).
When you force yourself to strike up conversation with a girl, practice on making small talk (even if that's boring) because that's the first step of getting to know people (at least with the majority). I know there is the fear for the conversation to fizzle out, so just try for e.g. 10 mins and then say you have to go back to your friends and then maybe ask the girl if you can see eachother again. Btw maybe the girl you speak to also feels the same about social situations, so you aren't alone.
Basically it's not about meeting as many women as possible, it's just about having the tools to be able to meet women where you feel there could be something.
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female
reader, malletchick76 +, writes (20 April 2012):
 Loneliness sucks for sure, but you know what? You'll find that special someone when you least expect it and stop searching. Be yourself because if you don't, you build a relationship on falsehood.
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reader, Cozmo +, writes (20 April 2012):
 Hard one.
I am just like you, over analyse every little detail of every conversation and interaction trying to work it all out and predict the future and what I must do in it.
And it is not a good thing, you think there is no chemistry between you and your friend? and she knowns who you are. Imagine how little chemistry there really is if a girl doesn't even know who you really are?
That being said, everyone tries to present an ideal version of themselves so that is normal, no matter what girls say about honesty and all that; they do not want to telling them how desperate, depressed, sad or whatever you are. They want a nice, happy and well formed man.
Don't make up a whole new persona, but there is nothing wrong with putting some icing to hide some burned cake. Everyone expects to find some burnt cake somewhere, just don't go overboard with it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): Even your manner of writing tells me that your an inteligent person, but it also tells me that your lacking in confidance! "my social anxieties are me"
If you keep telling yourself things like that then they will continue to rule over you,our fears and anxieties do not define us as people! You dont have to fake being happy either, you need to question why you have to fake it and then get yourself out there and discover what actually makes you happy! If you have an interest in something in particular ie martial arts, astronomy charity work, ect then join a class, join online discussion groups, clubs and social evens. You will soon have the chance to make new friend and potential girlfriends who you can really relate to and you'll already have a shared interest in common to talk about! I truely wish you the best of luck!
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