A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:To cut the long story short, me and my boyfriend have been together 3 years now. When we first went out, I found out he spoke to his ex behind my back saying sexual things to her. I was absolutely mortified by this, it made me very ill at the time. He told me he didn't mean it and he just did it because he was insecure and craved attention as he got none from me. I decided to forgive him because deep down I knew it was true as she is very unattractive and I know I didn't give him attention at first. It took me a while but I thought I would get over it eventually. Well 3 years down the line, I still haven't got over it. I STILL bring this up in arguments and cry my eyes out over it. He is that sick of the subject he's broke up with me many times over it and I fear/almost know this is what's going to be the end of us. I just can't help it, I still feel so insecure over it. What do I do without professional help to stop? Because I really don't want to split up and I am so upset. He hasn't done anything since. Do you think that was the real reason why he did it?Thanks!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012): If you've decided to stay in this relationship then you need to get over what he did 3 years ago. and if nothing you are doing on your own is helping then you need to get professional help.Bringing it up a million times and fighting without any resolution is way more destructive to your mental health, your emotional well being, his mental health, his emotional well being, and your relationship, than breaking up permanently. Honestly if he were writing in I would advise him to leave you already.If you find yourself bringing it up a million times and nothing ever gets resolved, you have two options:1. get professional help for goodness sake!!2. End the relationship to break the cycle.your bf may have caused the initial rift in the relationship by what he did 3 years ago. that was his fault. But now it's your fault dragging it out and refusing to either move on or work through it to forgive him.you don't have to forgive him. it's not a moral failing if you simply can't forgive betrayal. But if not then you need to break up with him and not be keeping him around just to be your punching bag, because that's emotional abuse.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): My husband has issued divorce proceedings against me because of something that happened in the past with us and I still can't get over it, every time we row I bring this subject up. We must have discussed this in excess of 50 times. I mention the subject all the time because I cannot forgive him and I also am unable to find closure. He tells me that what happened is a long time ago, he has explained his reasons and no matter how many times he brings it up he will always have the same view, before he decided to divorce me this subject would be raised in excess of ten times a week and I just cannot let it go. I have tried seeing a psychologist and talking things through in a counselling situation but it does not help. The only way I can occasionally cope is to distance myself from the event but that inevitably makes me end up resenting him. I can give you no words of wisdom other than if you do not let this go he will leave you and you will end up like me. Men have a finite time with listening to things and going over things before they decide enough is enough. If you are always going to be unable to put this behind you then it might be best to move on. I certainly know that I am unable to put what I feel my husband did to me behind me as there is too much anger and bitterness involved and I feel it will be years before I can even think about the subject without feeling utter fury at the unfairness of the situation. However this I about you and not me so if you want to keep your boyfriend you need to stop mentioning the subject and affect an air of 'it doesn't matter anymore' even if it is tearing your heart out.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (20 April 2012):
I'm not sure why he felt he was lacking attention from you at the start of the relationship, so I'm guessing that as things hadn't yet become physical between the two of you, he had frustrations and went back a step to someone he knew would play along.
That was indeed a strange thing to do, and he knows how much it hurt you. But as you say, he has been fine since, so I do think that it should be ancient history by now. In arguments he hasn't done anything else wrong for you to refer to except this old chestnut.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): You obviously are in need of professional help if its been 3 years and you're still crying your eyes out all the time and contributing to the further destruction of your relationship by bringing it up over and over in a non productive way. And you are destroying your own life by refusing to get help to deal with it and yet also refusing to move on.
If you're so insistent on not getting professional help then all I can say is you should end this relationship because staying in it like this is no way to live for the rest of your life both for you and him. He's tried to break up with you many times so you should let him.
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A
female
reader, malletchick76  +, writes (20 April 2012):
 Did he cheat on you? If not, then I would kinda get over it. Hate to break it to you like that, but seriously. If it was just one time that he sexted or whatever, then let it go woman! IF HOWEVER, he kept doing it over the course of 3 years, then that's a different story. He's probably arguing when you bring it up because he feels you don't trust him. Trust in your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): Hi. You ask if his insecurity and lack of attention was the real reason he spoke sexually to his ex. Well, he said it was. And you say deep down you know he speaks the truth because you didnt give him any attention at first. So that`s that really.
When people first meet, there`s usually a period of uncertainty before you bond with each other or one of you walks away because the other person just isnt for you. That`s natural. I imagine it was during this time that he must have started feeling you werent that `into` him because you were inattentive and he started to mess around with an ex. I`m afraid it happens. But that was then, before you two had built up a proper relationship.
What he did was silly but frankly what you are doing is worse. If you really cant forgive him it would be kinder to let him move on and find someone who will be happy with him. Its been 3 years, he sounds as if he has been punished enough.
But if he is a good, loving boyfriend and you really don`t want to lose him to this problem, then counseling might be your only option.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): He betrayed your trust when you least expected it, which is why it was such a shock and has taken you so long to get over it.
It's been 3 years however, has he not done anything redeeming to reassure you of his intentions, and faithfulness? He can only say sorry so many times, and if he hasn't repeated the behavior as you say, then you need to put it in the past. Draw a line in the sand, accept that he made a big mistake, he was sorry (if he was, and showed it enough) if however he has been tough about it and just wants you to get over it, perhaps that is why you have not let go. You need to know he really meant it, to forgive and forget.
She is his ex, it's in the past, and I'm sure in the 3 years you have made good memories with him to try to put that behind you. Focus on the good, on what you like or love about him, why you are with him, and realise the past, is the past. Or risk losing everything with him?
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