A
female
age
36-40,
*M
writes:Hi there,I am looking for a little bit of advise. I have a very strong view on porn n I total hate it. Personal reasons of course. Do not want to offend anyone who enjoys it. Anyway, my boyfriend of 4 years knows my view on this but I went for a night out recently and he stayed at home. Everything was fine. I had a good night bla bla but when I went to use my computer the next day, was shocked at what I found. I went to type in youtube so I could put on some music but instead of it suggsting youtube it suggested youporn. I clicked it and it showed signs of someone being on this site. (when the links are purple colour instead of blue. I was angry at thinking my boyfriend who knows how much i dislike porn could have been looking at this, so I raised the issue with him and he swears blind it wasnt him. We are the 2 people who have access to our computer and it had never came up with this suggested site before. My boyfriend says it may because out router has no password on it and maybe someone was using the router. I am not so sure. Also there is nothing in the history but I know this can be deleted.I want to believe it was not him but I am just not sure.Is it possible that someone using our router has accessed this site and would it come up om my computer? or I am being lied to?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 December 2009):
 KC100.. couldn't put it better myself...
Simple reason for the lie - he knows your views on porn so he didnt want to upset you/cause an argument by admitting he watches it.
This guy dosen't hate porn, you do. He'll try, but he'll probably look again. If this is the make or break issue in your relationship, well, I suggest that you try to look for someone else. Many men look at pornography, many women read romance books, if your partner is not suitable for you and you don't like his ways and habits, then find someone who is. You can't change someone, you can only change yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): Hi. your boyfriend has been lying to you. It must have been him visiting pornographic websites if there wasnt anyone else in the house. And its fine not to like pornography if you dont want to. Its becoming more acceptable now among some, because theres so much of it available online and tv now. But that doesnt mean its right for everyone. And it doesnt mean you should comprimise your standards for someone elses sexual needs, if you dont wish to. Im not a great advocate of pornography. The thought of watching strangers fornicating is something i find rather perverted. But each to his own i guess. Just have a word with your bf about lying.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (24 November 2009):
 Well my dear anonymous reader - why post as "anonymous" if your advice is so legitimate? P.S Anonymous people on the internet are NOT a reliable source of info!
I was not trying to claim in any way that Cosmo is a reliable academic article that should be taken as the bible. In fact Cosmo should very rarely be taken seriously and always viewed with slight humour. However the reason I provided a link to that article is because it does have some truth in it, and provides a useful male insight into the problem which we rarely get here on DC. The internet is here to provide us with as many sources of information as possible and what one chooses to do with that information is up to them. However I am a believer in being as well informed as possible, from a wide variety of sources to give you the best possible chance at understanding whatever it is you are requiring information on.
Secondly my superior well educated friend, I was not trying to say that the poster should accept porn just because every man does it! I never said "All men watch porn" - I used the words "to a varying degree" and also "the majority of men", so in order to help you with your PhD I suggest you learn to read properly instead of seeing what you only want to see.
To the original poster - Sorry for my comments and apologies on behalf of this lovely anonymous poster, it is completely against the Dear Cupid culture to be having silly snipes between the aunts and uncles on here as it is not at all helpful to you.
In order to be helpful I will try and clarify my intentions in my previous post - I was merely trying to show you the reasoning behind men watching porn to hopefully help you see that it isnt a such a big deal and it may help you to understand your boyfriend's perspective a little. Of course you are entitled to your own feelings and you should not have to tolerate something if it does make you seriously unhappy. But my point was that your boyfriend shouldnt have to give something up either just to please you.
So what you need to do in order to move forwards and stop him from lying to you about porn again (once again I will reiterate my point that he only lied because he doesnt want to upset you as he knows how you feel about porn) is to sit down and talk about this. You need to communicate better - at present it seems that you are the one doing all the talking about how much you hate porn etc, and he is just having to sit there and listen. He needs to communicate with you and just explain why he does it/enjoys it. Perhaps if you heard from him directly why he watches porn it might help you to understand better than hearing a load of reasons from us lot here on DC! And then you need to decide where to go from there - the chances are he wont ever give it up so do you really want to continue with him lying to you? Because at the end of the day he will carry on lying about porn if you make it into this "forbidden" thing. You have a chance to be open and honest about it, maybe you could cope with him watching it once a fortnight for example when you are not in the house?
You and your boyfriend need to sit down and talk about this, because you have 2 contrasting opinions on porn and it seems that you both have different needs - you need him not to watch it, and he needs to watch it. So you both have to work out where the compromise can be found and how you can move forwards, whether that is together or apart.
Signing off for now, your inferior degree educated friend. (sorry, couldnt resist that one)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): Many of the people giving you advice are completely wrong. Only you and your boyfriend can decide what is right for your relationship. If you can't deal with the porn tell your boyfriend, if he chooses not to stop watching you can break up with him. Not all men watch it. Not all men need to watch it. You need to set your limits. It isn't socially acceptable right now, but its ok not to like your partner watching porn. Its ok to say what you need in a relationship.
The lying is the issue here.
Before people say that I don't know what I'm talking about...I'm working on PhD in Family Relationships.
P.S. Cosmo is NOT a reliable source of info!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (24 November 2009):
Simple reason for the lie - he knows your views on porn so he didnt want to upset you/cause an argument by admitting he watches it.
The majority of men on this planet watch porn. It is a fact of life and it cannot be changed. You dont like porn, he does. Why should he be the one to compromise? Should he stop doing something just because you dont like it? What if he doesnt like you going on nights out? Should you stop? I bet you would scoff and say "no way, I enjoy going out with my friends so why should I stop? That is just stupid - going out with my friends isnt hurting anyone!" And that is the exact same for your boyfriend and him watching porn. He enjoys it, he isnt hurting anyone so why should he stop just because you dont like it?
Relationships are all about compromise and acceptance of each other - if you cannot accept that this is just part of the male brain then you are going to live a long lonely life because you cannot be with any man that watches porn, which would eliminate the majority of the male population.
Read this - http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/men/why-do-men-watch-porn/v1
That should give you some initial (if basic) insight into why men watch porn.
This is what I say to all girls that come on this site with the same problem - their boyfriends lie to them about porn:
All men watch porn to some varying degree - some watch it a lot and others go through phases, some only watch it very infrequently. But at the end of the day I think you will struggle to find a man that does not watch porn - pretty much every man on this earth will watch it at some point in their lives.
Now men and women are pretty different in the way their brains behave towards sex. Women have a more emotional connection and they dont need as much visual stimulation as men to get turned on. Whereas men dont have a real emotional connection to sex - it is purely physical and about "getting off". The male sex drive is also much higher than that of a woman, so in your boyfriends case he may watch porn purely because he needs that sexual release a few times a day and you just cannot give him that!
Watching porn is in no way a reflection on his feelings for you - I am sure he loves you, thinks you are gorgeous and loves having sex with you. If given the choice between having sex with you and having sex with a porn-star - he would pick you. These women in porn are fantasy, nothing more. They are an expression of his sexual fantasies and desires, he is basically watching something that turns him on and gives him a sexual release. Just as women might fantasise about George Clooney whilst masturbating, men just watch porn!
I know it is quite hard to understand and from the outsider's perspective, porn looks a bit dirty and seedy, and the women's bodies are all incredible so it is easy for a woman to think "why is he looking at these women when he has me - I dont look like that so is he not attracted to me? Why does he need porn when he has me to have sex with whenever he wants?" I really do get it that you can feel this way but the reality is he is not particularly looking at the women's bodies, it is more the sexual acts taking place. Yes it helps that they are attractive but men are well aware that these images and videos they see are enhanced and airbrushed, it all just adds to this sense of fantasy. He is not looking at that woman thinking "I want sex with her" when he is watching porn, his thoughts will be more along the lines of yes she is attractive but the main turn-on is what that guy is doing to her. He probably thinks while watching it "oh I would love to do that to my girlfriend".
While you may never feel fully comfortable with your boyfriend watching porn, I think you just need to accept that it is part of most men's lives and if you try and stop them, they will just lie about it to you which is worse. Just try to ignore it really - dont think about it. As long as your boyfriend is not watching it every single day to the point of obsession (that is not healthy) and he doesnt watch it when you are there, then it is doing you no harm. I never normally advocate sticking your head in the sand but in this case, just pushing this to the back of your mind and not worrying about it anymore will be the best way to deal with it!
You shouldnt be threatened or upset by porn - it is purely an expression of sexuality used by men to escape into a little fantasy world and "get-off" quickly and easily. It in no way impacts on you and his feelings for you, it is entirely seperate. It is just the same as women having fantasies about male celebrities or using a vibrator to achieve an orgasm - men just need the visual stimulation to achieve the orgasm.
I hope this gives you more of an idea about why men watch porn, and I hope that you can come to terms with it and be ok with it. You dont ever have to approve of it - just know that it makes no difference to your relationship if he watches it and that his feelings for you are in no way affected by watching it. Accepting it will mean that your relationship will be stronger and you will not fight so much over silly issues like this. And you might find that if you are ok with it, the whole "forbidden" element behind it will go away so when he knows you dont care any more, it might not be so exciting to him and he might watch it less!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 November 2009):
 either you boyfriend has somebody visit while you were out and that person used your computer to look at porn or he did!
There is a 99.9% chance he is lying to you. I wonder what else he tells lies about.
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A
female
reader, LaraC +, writes (24 November 2009):
Your boyfriend looked at porn when you were out and he's lying to you about it. Silly thing to do but he obviously feels he can't tell you the truth.
I'm sure you realise that this is not a good thing for your relationship and it's probably something you will need to talk about.
You don't like porn and I can understand that but you've got to realise that this only means that you choose not to watch it. You can't force your boyfriend not to watch it... that's his choice and not up to you.
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A
female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (24 November 2009):
 I think you're being lied to. You have no way of knowing it definitely wasn't him, because you were out. I suggest you have a calm talk with him about it, and point out you'd prefer him to be honest rather than lie and do things behind your back, because lying will only make the situation worse.
Men look at porn, it's just a fact of life. Even those that swear they never do will get curious once in a while. The best thing you can do is accept it and have a talk with your boyfriend, try to explain why you feel the way you do. Compromise if your suspicions prove true, that way he can still be honest with you without being disrespectful of your feelings. Who knows, maybe porn will lose its appeal if he knows it's not so forbidden.
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A
female
reader, HM +, writes (24 November 2009):
HM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy lie though? I don't understand that. When I asked him, I didn't go off on one, I made a joke of it.
I really didn't think if someone using the router then there history would appear on my computer.
I am finding it very hard to deal with this as he knows how much I disapprove of it and he has even said he isn't keen on it that much. So why go on it and lie to my face!
I know its a silly wee thing to some people but its a big deal to me.
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A
female
reader, LadyCorsair +, writes (24 November 2009):
 If someone was using your Internet through your unsecured router, they would be accessing it on their own computer, not yours. So unless someone broke in just to look at porn, it's your boyfriend. Do you have a particular reason for being so against porn? Most men look at porn as something to masturbate to- they're not usually thinking the porn stars themselves are hot trust me. I wouldn't worry about it hunni, but put a password on the router to keep your connection secure nonetheless. There should be an IP address (I.e http://198.162.0.1) on the bottom of your router along with a user name and password. Browse to the web address on your pc and you can set up a WEP key password.
Hope that helps,
Lady Corsair
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 November 2009):
 Yes, it possible if you have a wireless router with no password that someone else uses your CONNECTION. Your CONNECTION. NOT your BROWSER.
Think of it like this, if I hookup to your cable-tv, I can watch your cable subscription, but would not change anything on your tv.
That the links on your browser (and the url suggestion) were the way they were ONLY happens if someone uses your browser.
The ONLY way this could be done by someone outside your house is if you have remote desktop sharing on. And this is not what wardrivers do.
So you are being lied to. Boyfriends lying about porn... what ever next. Mind you, you did leave him alone while you went out for a good time. When the cat is away, the mice will watch porn. I would be more upset about the stupid lie myself, but then if I found my gf browsed porn I would be upset because she didn't share the links :P
www.wardriving.com for more info.
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