A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My best guy friend is also a friend with benefits. We started off as friends, and later I crushed on him. We talked and he told me that he was not looking for a relationship. He has a child with his ex and at the time he still had feelings for her. He didn't want to put the effort into another woman until he was sure he was ready. I agreed and we continued to be friends. One night, we ended up making out and we became intimate with each other every day for the next week. A few days into the second week, we actually had sex. That was December and we have seen each other at least once a week since then. I live farther away from him than before so we only get together every now and then, and it's not always for sex. We still hang out with just each other with no intimacy at all. I know our relationship is a "friends with benefits" type of deal, and my feelings for him were always stronger than his feelings for me. He's told me that he is no longer in love with his ex and in December he had declined his ex's offer to be friends with benefits (which may be where he got the idea for me). Around that time (before we made out), I had given up hope for us to be a couple and I had put up a profile on an online dating site. I became close with one guy in particular, but I ended it because I started getting intimate with my close friend and I wanted to see where things would go with us. Not much has changed, I know he cares for me but only as a friend. A few days ago, I went back to the dating site to see if that one guy was still there and I ended up getting matched with my close friend! I didn't even know he had a profile! His ex is currently in a relationship which I think started online so that may be why he put up a profile. I don't think he's intersted in a real relationship though, just going on dates and trying to get used to it again. I plan on ending our sexual relationship in May because we will be unable to see each other over the summer and it wouldn't be fair to either of us. When I see him again in September, is it possible that he would be completely over his ex? Would there be a chance for our friendship to blossom into something more? I'm not interested in having another FWB relationship with him if he asks in the fall because it's too painful for me. Any advice on things I should be doing or saying to him now? Are my head and heart in the right place?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): Thank you all for your comments. I don't know what a "sugar daddy" relationship is, but we did not dodge street lights or stay in the dark. We have mutual friends and they've seen us hug and hold hands. They know nothing of our sex life and he and I agreed on not saying anything about it to anyone. Before he moved farther away, we used to arrive at the gym together to work out. Mostly it was just us two but sometimes we worked out with a group of friends. They knew I would go over to his place to watch movies and chill. They also know that he comes over to my place to hang out. I have discovered that his online profile is no longer up either. But I have not had a chance to talk to him about our relationship because our friend lost their young child this week and we are mourning.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): Just one question is this relationship close to the sugar daddy relationship definition? Sure anything is possible but do you really believe within yourself deep down that this will happen in your case? Was your friendship strictly to the restaurant and then to the bedroom? Did you go out socially and do things? Were you seen by other people? Are you and him just figures dodging the street lights at night? Let me tell you one thing I used to be a women who was paid to provide benefits and I am now married happily with two children. I know a lot of women who did the same and none of them were able to take a relationship based on sex to another level. You have made your bed as the old saying goes and now you have to sleep in it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 March 2013):
 Friends with Benefits one of my favorite topics. FWB is a nice way of saying “fuck buddy”. With all due respect to k_c100, I would amend her statement to FWB relationships RARELY turn into “real” relationships. I googled it to see if there are any statistics on it… there are no hard and fast studies because it’s a fairly fluid idea. One article said that approximately 1/3 become “real relationships” Personally I think that’s VERY HIGH. I would say if it happens TRULY then it’s less than 5%.
Mistake #1 “I crushed on him” OH dear… NOT a good start for FWB.
FWB ONLY works when NEITHER party has more feelings for the other one and is settling for FWB in hopes that it becomes more. Sadly we see it often here on DC and most of the time it’s the female looking for a glimmer of hope that he will start to care more than he does if she gives him sex. Sadly this is a bad plan and rarely works.
I am not sure why you think that you should wait till MAY to end what is obviously an emotionally painful experience. Why not stop the sex NOW if you know it’s going to end and it’s not going to be more. I would stop the sex NOW. NO MORE making out, no more cuddles no more physical contact. STOP IT. Having sex with him will NOT make him love you. Having sex with him will NOT convince him to be with you as more than a fuck buddy. He may like you but he does not love you and will not love you just because you put out for him. Now JUST MAYBE if you end it for the right reasons, it MAY trigger something in him, but I would NOT hold my breath. AND ending it to APPEAR to be the right reasons, (but secretly hoping that ending it will bring him closer) NEVER works. (see below in my personal story)
He’s got a dating profile out there… he wants to meet someone to date. YOU are not it. This is painful to read and hear I know… but that’s what we have to do here sometimes… be blunt and hurtful so you can see the truth through your rose colored glasses.
CAN FWB be more? Yes it CAN but under very special circumstances.
I met a man in 2010. I was happily married and in “the lifestyle” as we called it. I had my then husband’s permission to carry on with this new man. He did not live in town with me. He was single and when I offered him NSA/FWB “fun and games” I meant it. I had NO interest in getting involved with him. He said to me “what single guy would be stupid enough to turn down NSA free sex?” He was right.
So we started having fun…. And then we realized he sucked at relationships so he needed dating “practice” and we started things like going out to dinner and movies and spending time together helping him come up with a dating profile so he could meet someone else. After all, when I left him I went home to my husband. I truly did NOT want this man to love me. I liked his brain and we had a good time together but that was all I wanted. He swore up and down right and left, that marriage was stupid, he was so happy to not have the pressure of someone who wanted more than just hanging out… NO PRESSURE.
AND I meant it…. That was December 2010 through Mid February 2011. Then there was a shift in the relationship. It was subtle at first. And so very confusing that it actually was what brought me to this site. I asked “does love Begat love?” because I was trying to figure out what was going on. Long story short.. my then husband left early March 2011. All of a sudden Mr. NSA/FWB was acting slightly differently. To this day he swears I fell in love first, but I don’t think so…. I really did NOT want to be seriously involved with my FWB. He lived 2 hours away, he was so much younger than I am, he has so many issues… I fought it. By June 2011 we knew we were going to be a “real couple” In December 2011 he gave up his apartment, his job and his life and moved south 2 hours to be with me full time.
In October 2012 we got married. CRAZY I KNOW. I asked him once “How did this happen???”
And his answer was VERY IMPORTANT: “you really DID NOT CARE if I loved you or wanted you or not. THERE WAS NO PRESSURE from you to be more than I was, not openly or subtle or implied.” And that was when I realized… YOU CAN’T FAKE NOT CARING. Or at least I never could. Even when I was younger and wanted a guy to like me more than he did, if I WANTED it, I could not fake that indifference. It’s something that is so subtle and yet so easy to pick up on.
AND that to me is why FWB rarely works… because one of the partners really is just settling for FWB when they WANT more. And you can’t fake NOT wanting. And having sex with them just makes it WORSE. My husband swears that in addition to the fact that I truly did not want him to love me, the fact that we had sex without any pressure let him open up and let the hormones flow that caused him to fall in love with me.
So in YOUR case, no it won’t happen with this man.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (15 March 2013):
 FWB relationships NEVER turn into real relationships, because once you have become no strings attached sex then a man can never take you seriously.
It is very clear with this guy that he was still hung up on his ex, and now he is moving on he still isnt interested in you because he is on a dating site looking for other women. If he was ever going to be interested in you, then he wouldnt bother looking at other women because he has you ready and waiting.
You need to end this NOW, otherwise it will only hurt more when he starts going on dates from the dating site and turns around and tells you he's met someone.
Learn a lesson from this - if you want a relationship with someone then NEVER allow yourself to settle for a FWB, because the guy will instantly think you are cheap and easy, just a bit of fun and definitely not the kind of girl you take seriously and committ to, and definitely not the kind of girl you could take home to mum! If you know you have feelings for someone, then make them take you seriously from the start and dont allow yourself to be used for sex.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 March 2013):
 I would not hold my breath. In September he may very well be with someone new.
The first thing he does when he feels a bit less hung up on his ex is making a profile on a dating site to meet new women, does not this tell you anything ? I know you want to believe he did to be even with the ex, etc.etc. or some other complicated psychological reason, but in fact the explanation is much simpler . He feels better, he feels up to meet new people, maybe date again and see what happens, and he is looking for someone else for doing this stuff. Not you. If he had wanted to give you a chance , after his " rebirth ", you were right there, willing and able. He did not even think of it, because he has you pegged as FWB material only.
Of course , in life never say never, who knows that some day he may wake up one morning and see you under a different light. But it would be very foolish of you to keep your life on hold on these premises. Particularly because it HURTS you. In theory if you were able to enjoy what you have without pining for more, and then IF it becomes more than it's great, otehrwise it's fine, ah well, you could wait as much as you wish. But, that's theory, in practice it does not work like that, emotions and expectations always interfere. So stop wasting anymore time, and move on. Frankly , if you feel hurt and miserable, I don't even see why you have to wait until May, or September- this situation is not working for you, it's just making you suffer, so why unnecessarily prolong the suffering.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (15 March 2013):
Hi there. As he still in the beginning, had feelings for his ex, that makes it clear as to why he didn't want another romantic relationship, so soon.
So the just friends was about all that he could offer you.
It is probably going to be helpful, that you are a longer distance from him now, as it will give you both time to really think about everything and about what you both want.
The summer holidays, will also help, for the same reason.
As to whether his feelings fade altogether for his ex, really depends on how often he will see her during those summer holidays.
And as there is a child there, well then that is a bond between him and her, anyway.
And that bond, is always going to be there, no matter what the status of you and him ends up being.
So it is impossible to really say, right now.
He did mention lately to you, that he is no longer in love with his ex, so for now, you are going to have to take his word on that.
And unfortunately, only time will tell, how it all pans out.
For now though, there is very little you can do about it.
Except, to remain friends and keep it light and friendly and with no mention of what he is feeling about everything now.
You don't want to start applying pressure on him to make up his mind, as this could push him right away from you, and you don't want that.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (15 March 2013):
 It doesn't sound promising to be honest. But giving time and space will help, if he dies just need time to get over his ex then cutting off the sex with him will help this. Why not get out there and date again yourself, you might meet someone who can fill all your needs.
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